Farewell

I'm not good with farewells or goodbyes. Today my brother had to go back to Perth and I dreaded the scene in the airport. I knew my mom would be teary eyed and my dad stoically silent. Me, I act aloof.

Why?

Because they hurt. You feel a gap has been created and the sorrow that comes with it.Then you feel the longing for it to be full again. I am not good with emotional pain so I act, put on a mask to escape from it all.

I guess I forgot how much I miss my whole family together. We were complete, slightly dysfunctional but hey, we make it work. I guess the impact is more this time because normally it would be me and him going back together but now I'm stuck here so he's going back to Perth alone.

Farewell sucks.

Rainy season

Today is the last day of 2013 which also means rainy season has begun and by the sound of the rain droplets pelting the window, the rainy season kicked off with a bang.

I've been back home for more than 2 weeks and I dread going back to Johor, I really do. I still doubt my decision of going into med school willingly, I mean what the heck were you thinking Ricky...

I'll be having my second major exam next Thursday and Friday and I haven't even started revision yet. I'm so screwed. I just don't have the motivation to start studying and I just want to relax before going back to the torturous and mundane schedule of going to lectures and coming back to do revision (ha! Like I ever do revision -.-). Life have to be more than this right?

Sometimes I blame God for letting me get into med school because if I didn't, I'll probably be doing bachelor of science and I could have explored my interest using that degree instead of pigeon-holing myself into the medical profession.

But I'm here to stay. My parents have been gracious enough to let me change once, if I do it the second time, I might as well hand them the knife they are going to butcher me with. To be honest, if I were of a well off family, I would have pull out of med school long ago and go into a science degree with an undeclared major so I can pursue my interest.

My naive hope of becoming a doctor to help alleviate pain seems to be further away from me as the days go by. I feel like I'm at the crossroad again but this time, I only have one choice, to go on.

I guess it's rainy season in my heart as well.

Idiot

I finished my assignment 2 today so I was in high spirits!

However, later at night, I thought about my assignment and got worried. What the heck did I write? I felt like my attempt was quite weak but it was the best I could do. Suddenly, I felt like a major idiot. The feeling of dread washed over me and my good mood was instantly killed.

I think a lot of times when we look back, we'll think to ourselves 'Oh my gosh, I was such an idiot.' At least I do.

I don't want to have regrets about my life decisions but sometimes I still do. That's really frustrating and I just wish there is some fool proof plan of not becoming an idiot.

My plan? Screw everything, since you are going to be an idiot, might as well be the biggest one. See, there goes me, being an idiot again... *Sigh*

Regrets?

My brother recently went to Melbourne for the 2013 Lifegame camp.

To tell the truth I was really envious of him. I always wanted to explore but he was the one who always went to places. Worst it, I knew that if I had stayed in Perth, I would have been able to go to...

More often than not, I'll feel a surge of regret for leaving Perth. I thought about all the hardships I've been through the first year of university and I threw that all away for what, the idealistic notion of helping people by being a doctor? Sometimes I wonder what is going inside my brain, what gave me the courage to leave behind everything I had in Perth to come back here.

I should have chosen to study UWA instead or just took on the offer from ANU for law. Maybe my life would be different, maybe it could be better than all the crap I'm dealing with. I never knew how much this could affect me until now. I just could not see myself studying vet anymore and felt like I had to go off on that boat. I just hope that my decision was mostly what God wanted to happen.

Regrets, I'm filled with them but I guess that just makes me a human huh.

Wonder

There comes a time where everything around you just stops and you wonder life's big questions.

What am I doing with my life?

What path am I on right now?

How is my future going to look like?

Am I happy with my life right now?

Who am I?

Normally I won't think about these questions but sometimes, they just hit me and I am forced to lay down, staring at the ceiling and pondering about the answers to those questions.

I have a lot of flaws that needs fixing, a lot of clutter in my life and not a lot of selfless love. I want to be a better person, a better Christian, a better me.

Sometimes I think the sacrifice is too much but how would it compare to what God did for us?

That's the frustrating/fantastic part, it can't.

Oh my brain, stop ye wondering because I need some sleep!

Moving on

An array of pictures that seemed familiar popped out in front of my sight. I recognized the smiling faces but something was missing. Then it hit me, I knew what it was.

It happened before and it will happen again, we move on. The company for this journey may not be present for the next one but we have to keep on walking. Memories may be in the heart but it will fade, in the end, it is just but a tiny piece of reminder of what you had and nothing more.

We all have our different paths to travel but I was happy for the short journey we had. There will always be a connection no matter how small but it will never grow with what's happening now.

Looking at the freshly baked brownie in the mug and silhouettes standing outside my door, it's my time to move on too.

However, in this context, you can never really move on because a piece of you is with them. All you can do is stop to dwell and appreciate what you had and have.

"Benefits"

It is very evident that studying medicine has taken a toll on me, both physically and mentally.

I don't wake up every day filled with joy nor do I thirst for the knowledge that my lecturers are throwing out constantly. Yet again, I have been numbed by the academics and lost sight of my goals.

I remember there was one lecturer who pointed out how we should act professionally as we are giving benefits that other profession may not possess. I almost scoffed at that statement. What kind of benefits? To be under constant scrutiny, facing difficult patients, low job security, high academic demands, facing possible litigation everyday?

As you can see, my cynical side got the better of me and I was very disheartened.

The only benefit I could think of was the benefit of helping people medically, is that worth everything that I am sacrificing for?

I'm still here aren't I?

Common cold

So I contracted the cold bug on Thursday and was reminded on how 'fun' being sick was. My nose was runny, my head ached and I felt like there was bump the size of bouncy ball growing in my throat.

It's time like this when I miss home the most. I would have gotten honey lemon and hot chicken soup but instead here all I got was active-fast panadol tablets and a 8-min walk to uni just to get dinner. I even skipped lunch because I was too tired to move my butt out of my bed.

I miss home, I miss my life, where did it all go?

Unique

Today we learned about dominant and recessive genes. As expected, they used eye colors as an example with crystal blue as recessive and bland brown as dominant.

I use to wish I had blue eyes because it would make me feel more unique, more beautiful in a sense since brown is so common. I still do sometimes but now I wish I had those green mesmerizing eyes instead of blue.

What does it mean to be unique?

Street style

Today I did something that I never thought I do.

I GOT A PIERCING! Just kidding! Haha

I attended a hip hop dance class which was really fun. Today I had another episode of a mini meltdown. *Sigh* Again Ricky? I know, I know.

Anyways, I wanted to do something different, just get out this rut and basically feel alive again. There was a dance lesson after lecture so I though why the heck not.

The lesson was actually quite fast paced for me but the others said last week was harder. We learned some cool moves but of course, I look like a dancing teddy bear from Toy Story. Ah, the good thing about having mirrors in front of the dance studio, you get to look on how cool( or weird in my case) doing street dance.

It was quite fun since there wasn't a lot of people and most were my friends already. I had fun so I think I'm going to make this a weekly thing unless I have assignments to do.

New life, new experience I guess.

Here a glass to you Ricky, you danced, Hip Hop style, well...at least you tried.

Easier times

I wish I could have a timeout right now, just to feel like I can breathe again instead of being trapped in a life that I don't even know what direction I am going.

I should be living the 'dream' but instead I go to uni every day, either emotionless or weary. Lectures come and go, labs are always frustrating since I can't understand half the time. At the end of the day, I just want to go back to my room, eat and have some time to myself just to slowly inhale and exhale.

Should university life be like this? Should life in general be like this? I imagined what life would be like in university and now I rather go back to easier times.

I think in my life, the most fun adventure I had was during my Canning College year. I went on a journey of self-discovery and explored foreign places with new friends. The curriculum wasn't that bad and I did enjoy most of the classes, well at least half of them. I was filled with so much hope then. I could be in any profession I wanted to because no decision has been made yet.

If God gave me a chance to go back, I would take it in a heartbeat. I don't know if this is the right path for me but I know I'm not lucky enough to go for a third chance. I'll just have to stick through and hopefully, it'll get better, so much more better than it is right now.

Progress 1 completed

My first exam was not a fun rollercoaster ride as you can see from my previous post about having a mini existential crisis.

I had a mini panic attack at lunch before the exam because my friends were spouting out things that I don't understand at all. My mind was blank and I kept flipping the papers in my file without absorbing anything into my mind. I gave up halfway because I felt like I was on the verge of hyperventilating so I just focused on my lunch.

Of course I forgot to bring my student ID so I went back to my room which was a good 7 minutes walk away to retrieve it. I think it was God's plan all along for me to have that 15 minutes of walk just to calm myself down before I forget anything and just sob.

After a mind-numbing 2 hours, I came out of the exam hall blurr and relieved. I did not even want to think about the questions nor discuss it. I went straight back into my room, open a can of biscuits and starting my post-exam comfort eating ritual.
I went out with a couple of friends later at night and the exams were tucked into a far corner in my head because I've heard that it takes about 1 week for the result to be released.

Of course it didn't. The result was released today and thankfully, by a miracle, there was no need for me to sob and buy more biscuits. Wait, I'm going to buy biscuits anyways. Anyways, I passed my test and that was it. I am competitive by nature and I try not to be because I feel like it brings out the worst in me. The results were released by a list and each students were assigned their numbers beforehand so no one knew each other's mark unless they know their numbers or someone personally told them.

I scanned through the list and wow, some of these people are freaking crazy. But I kind of expected that because I saw some people working quite hard and frankly I hope it was them because they deserved these kind of marks.

Some of my friends tried to ask me what marks I got but I was hesitant to answer. I hope I didn't offend them but I try to refrain myself from telling other people not without reasons. I was really blessed during the exams and with the marks I got, I think the answers that I've randomly chose were right more often than not. It wasn't a clear reflection of the knowledge that I've retained. I won't lie and say my results were bad because they weren't, neither were they the best though. It was beyond my imagination and I thank God for that. I just don't want my ego to feed on people's praises (assuming they would- does that make me egotistic?) and for people to assume that I'm something that I'm not- smart.

If I worked hard or really was a genius, I don't think I would have qualm admitting it or at least lying about it. But in this situation I figured, silence is a much more suitable answer.

Greater objective

Here I am, buried under 50+ lecture notes, moaning and complaining about life and its general suckiness. Of course I am trying to over exaggerate the predicament I am in as a defense mechanism for some consolation if I don't do well. In general, most university students suffer through this (well, if you are like me, not revising until the last minute) and I am not as special as I led myself to believe.

This is just my first year, six weeks worth of lecture and lab materials and now I lay there, defeated even before the war, waving a white flag. In crucial times like this is when I like to ponder about the big questions in life (yes, my procrastination has reached the level which includes philosophical thoughts) while munching on some cookies.

Why am I here? What's God purpose for me here? All those questions that seemed to escape my mind in my daily life which only surfaces when the critical period is around the corner. A mini existential crisis if you will.

I have come to this conclusion on my own-which says a lot about the wisdom embedded in the the conclusion you will see next.

Screw this. Yup, you heard me (or rather see what I typed), screw this. I got on this train to Academy-Torture-Ville (a proof that my originality has deteriorated) to become something bigger than myself. The intent was to help and I knew I was going to suffer (to put it melodramatically) to achieved that. Sometimes I lose sight of what is important when lecture notes are constantly shoved in my face and occasionally (okay, more often than not) cookies, but I digress.

There is always a greater objective than passing exams and studying but to achieve it, I have to go through crappy periods of living like a zombie and sobbing in a fetal position.

As eloquent as ever Ricky, keeping it classy.

What do I want?

What do want from them? More sympathy would be nice.

What could I have said? I am sorry but I haven't been doing revision everyday so I'm stuck with a mountain of lectures to digest and hope I don't regurgitate all out so I don't fail my test on Monday? So this is how your son is doing, how are you doing?

'Work harder, do your best,'said my parents. What more could they give me besides that? What do I really want from them. 'I know university is hard but this is life.' Truest word ever spoken?

'Why don't you go study in the library because there is reference there?'

'I'm sorry but I'm in knee deep just from the lectures note, I don't think I have the time to read extra information or even know what to look up on. I'm sorry that you thought I was hardworking but I'm really not. Neither am I genius so what am I?

I feel like a spoilt child because I know they do care but it is just not enough for me.

If I said to them after they complained about a hard day of work,'You got to do what you got to do to but bread on the dining table right? Buck up, I know it's hard but hey, everyone else is working as well, it is not just you who is suffering', I wonder how she would feel. Encouraged or enraged?

There is a fine line there isn't it.

What do I want then? What do I need? I have no idea. That is why I think I am behaving like a child throwing a tantrum because of a subpar Christmas present. Incapable of being thankful and optimistic.

Apology

A thousand thoughtless apologies,
Desensitized by all the wrongs,
Knowing the wrong from right,
Was the least of the worries.

You gave your heart for me,
I tore it into little pieces,
A countenance of indifference,
An ingenuine sorry whispered.

You are worth so much more than me,
All the love I could give would not suffice,
You gave me all the love I need,
All I gave back was resentment and pain.

Sometimes I wonder why you put up with me,
Surely anyone else would be better than me,
How infinite is your grace and love,
That somehow you see me as something that is of worth.

Go back

My fifth week of university just ended and I'm here, leg tucked under my chin, looking out ot the gloomy skies, hearing the roar of the thunder.

I feel like the weather now is a representation of what's going in my heart right now. Chaos, loud and gloomy.

The lectures are piling up along with the assignments. The workload is suffocating sometimes but I guess that's expected since med school is suppose to be hard. Sometimes, I just want to bury my head into the pillow and cry, as loud as I can, no judgement and no constraint. Just let it all out.

I don't like my life now. I feel like a spoilt brat for having this feeling because aren't I suppose to be living my dream? I just want to go back home, lie on my own bed, smell the fragrance of home and surrounded by my parents. When I was in Perth it was still fine because my brother and good friends were there, it felt like my second home.

It is different here than in Perth. Perth was a concrete jungle awaiting me to explore. Here, it is just a room with grilled windows and sucky internet.

I don't like it here, not at all. God, can I return back in time. Let me choose once more. I'm not sure how much I can stand it here before I waste away, leaving nothing but a shadow of a person with a broken heart.

Let me go back...or at least have a hope of escaping these 4 walls that I was sealed inside. I want to be grateful and let praise for you always be in my mouth but I can't right now. I'm sorry.

Dawn

His face was ashen and the faint light was unkind to his pale skin. Warmth radiated from where our fingers intertwined, it was like an illusion, one that I hold tight on to. All I could hear was the regular sound emitting from the machine and the ticking of the clock, both conflicting stimulus. One reminded who he is, the other reminded who he was. He was always rushing but never on time, time was his enemy and I guess it caught up to him.

Rationality and emotion was incongruence, what I could see was clouding what I know. I lay down once again, right above his heart like I had many times before. It was weak but still present, the sign of life. He could not hear me but I still spoke. All of the words left unsaid- the regrets, the joys, the uphill battles that came with our path merging were spewed out, hoping somehow a miracle would happen, he would come back to me.

He was physically present but his essence was gone. The facts were there and the form beside me proved it. What made him the one I loved was gone. He would never look at me with his peridot green eyes like I hung the stars and the moon, his high pitched cackle was never be to heard again. He was gone but at the same time, he was still here.

Would he had wanted this life? But what about me? What do I do when I want to feel his warmth, or put my head onto the crook of his neck that was made for me? Can't I be selfish just once more?

I never understood the reason behind going to the graveyard to talk with the deceased. It seemed so unnecessary to me as being near the grave does not equate closer to the deceased as they are no longer in this realm. Now I know, there is no rationality when it comes to grief. Whether be it ashes or bones, any is better than none.

The time has come for me to be a brave person like how he always told me I was. The decision had been made but delaying it, hoping for any kind of miracle was worth a try, anything was worth a try if he could come back. I never detested my signature more than I was when filling the paper.

The person lying on the bed was no longer himself and I, just a mere shadow of myself. I have still have time till dawn, to memorise his heartbeat before it stops, just like his brain and my whole world did.

Blast from the past: IMU

Some people from IMU called me a few days ago asking me if I wanted to attend the interview on Saturday. I was of course confused as I got rejected already but I wanted to follow up because the temptation of a possible twinning situation was too strong.

I thought maybe God gave me another to study abroad since I pleaded with him. However, today I called IMU and it was indeed a system error. I was disappointed because truthfully, I wanted to have the power to reject their offer and not for them to reject me yet again. Basically, I wanted revenge for all the pain they caused me which could be avoided so much earlier.

What are you talking about Ricky?

Well, I left during my second year of vet degree to pursue medicine back home since it was too expensive to pursue medicine in Aus. I have completed my first year of degree and I was happy with my chances of getting admitted into a med school back home. It was like my result was the best or anything but I thought it was good enough.

I set my sights on IMU because it offered a twinning program and that was the sole reason. Call me conceited or big headed but I honestly never thought they would have rejected me unless the interview was a disaster which it wasn't (from my point of view anyways).

After two months of gruelling wait and me constantly clicking on the application portal, I found out that I was rejected. The funny thing is I had to call multiple times and finally they took action and actually looked at my file. This hit me hard because I did not make any back-up plans. This just shows how important back-up plan is people!

Their reason was that I did not take Biology in my Foundation and even though I completed my Biology units with good results in the first year of my university, it did not count since I did not complete the whole degree. I thought that was illogical but I was too shocked to ask for more details and get a closure.

After walking like a soulless zombie for a few days, I decided to apply for medicine in Newcastle Medicine Malaysia. I was reluctant at first because I had to go through everything again, the application and interview. The possibility of getting rejected again struck my nerve and honestly I wanted to pursue another degree at that point. I didn't know what else would I want to do besides medicine so I summoned all the courage God gave me and applied.

Lo and behold, I actually got in even though I didn't do Biology in my foundations by God's grace. They gave me the result of my application process the day after my interview and I burst into tears. They thought I was worst the risk, that I was capable enough to become a medical student (well at least that what I think), it gave me the reassurance that I needed.

Fast forward until the 4th week of my time in NuMed, I finally got my closure from IMU. I just ended a conversation with a woman who was in the decision making process of rejecting my application. I wanted some closure so I threw away my hesitation and asked her frankly. She told me the same spiel about not taking Bio like last time but it didn't matter anymore. She was nice and polite which hopefully was I came across also but she didn't give me closure.

God gave me closure with this opportunity I. Even though she said the same things, I decided to let it go. Why does it matter anymore that I got rejected by them. Do I still want revenge? Sadly my answer is "Heck Yes!". If I ever publish a thesis or a paper, I would put in the acknowledgement "IMU, for being a fool in rejecting me that lead me to greener pastures". Still an immature teenager at heart. My vendetta is still set as the wound is still fresh but soon I'll forget about it as it really is insignificant anyways.

I'm not saying IMU is a bad uni or anything since I can't judge but I'm glad that they taught me something that I've heard before.

When a door closes, another one opens. Take a hint from God okay, He chose to close the door for a reason.

Faith and courage

Tonight, Foo and I decided to do a short devotion regarding Mark 10:46-52 about a blind beggar called Bathimaeus whose faith had earn him Jesus's healing.

He shows his faith by calling Jesus the son of David as it was prophesied that a descendant of King David was to be the Messiah. He did not see the miracles that Jesus performed but he had faith anyways. His faith astounds me and I wish that I had that kind of faith.

People told me to shut up but he did not. He continued shouting Jesus's name until he was heard. His courage was admirable and I hope some day, I would have a courage greater or at least of his equal.

Faith and courage, A nice reminder indeed.

Living

What can I say anymore? The truth that hurts or the lies that mask it? It has always been a struggle. Do you really want to know what's going inside of me? Or do you just want the answers that you believe? Would it be enough for you to hear the lie or would you know the absence of truth?

I always believe that passion was the only thing I needed. That being passionate about someone or something was enough to keep me going, moving towards a goal that can't be seen. I thought I could be selfless, living in the world, untainted by selfish desire that resides in this world. Perhaps I was too naive, diving in without thinking of the implications. Too immature to think of the consequences, unrelenting and stubborn in my decision because I honestly thought it was the right one. But that was the only redeeming feature that I could find in myself, my passion. Without it, I am nothing but a mere stringless flawed puppet.

I wonder how it would turn out in a perfect scenario if there ever was one. Would I be happy at the end? Or does perfection doesn't necessitate happiness? Would I have lead a meaningful life, leave a footprint behind no matter the size? Would my voice be infused with the jovial tone that was present when I was just a toddler, a time where nothing couldn't be solved by kisses and ice-cream.

When was the last time I felt like I was truly living? Not just surviving. When was the last time I woke up with joy in my heart and praise in my mouth and not with a resentful heart that wishes time would just stop and leave me alone? When did I last release a bellow of laughter accompanied by tears? I remember the last time I cried though. Is it just that sadness is more memorable than happiness?

Please forgive me of the resentful heart buried underneath. A heart that can't appreciate the blessing that is being poured out. Am I in a fortunate place? I could imagine a better scenario that I could be in? But isn't that what everyone could do?

What does it mean to live for me? I'm still on the journey to discover the answers and now I'm on a rocky terrain.

A short release

Writing always had been therapeutic for me so here I go.

I won't write about how discontented I feel right now with my life nor the glaring at my file of lecture notes currently situated on my bedside. What I'll write about will have nothing to do with my life, a form of escapism that I greatly need right now though my mood has some bearing on the tone of the story.

The noise emanating from the television and the howl of the wind's furry did nothing to stir A up from his position. Huddle up onto the corner of the bed, with the blanket tightly bunched up against him and head buried into his arm, A was oblivious to the world.

He chose not to feel anything, to shut off his emotion and just be. If only that was possible in humans. He felt the dampness on his hands though he tried to blank out his mind, clearly it was too much. He knew he couldn't fool himself but no one could blame him for trying to escape the harsh blow that reality had given him.

Pictures started to emerge and that was all it took to break open the dam. Tears flowed freely and rushed out like they had somewhere to be. That though incited a short chuckle before the loud sobbing took over again. A did nothing to stop because he couldn't, he had so much pent up emotion that he just burst. One week's worth of grief turned A into a near hysterics state, grabbing the blanket until the knuckles were white as it were the only thing keeping him from being completely shattered.

"I know you think that it's silly I still have my blanky but I need it, not for myself, but for you. When I'm not near you, it'll help me to protect you and remind you that I'll always come back."

B lied. B wasn't coming back and all there is left is a tear-stained blanket and a broken man.

The rest of the week

Gosh! The first week of university went by in a snap of my fingers. I got to know my new friends better and made new friends in the progress and it was awesome!

The lectures were more than a bit daunting but hopefully I'll get through it. I'm just focusing on not taking myself too seriously and try to interact more with others because that's what you are suppose to do in university right? Meeting people from all walks of life and making new memories with them.

I was quite afraid of going to the orientation but thank goodness that I did go in the end because it was so much fun! I met new people and though I can't say that we are friends yet but it was exciting to put a name to a face that you see in the lecture hall. It was comforting that one of my new friends were in my group so I was more courageous to be myself and have fun. My group were awesome and we worked as a team! Go group 4, the Juggernauts! Haha.

The BBQ dinner was nice and we get to interact and know more about each other rather than asking what the lectures were about. I want to say we ate and laughed under the stars but the gloomy clouds hid the stars and freaking mosquitoes were everywhere. -.- So we ate inside and then went to hang out in the recreation room where we watched the seniors playing pool and talked some more.

The ball tonight was awesome as well. The food was good and I got to sit with my friends and talk some more. There were performances and most of them hit it right off the ball park! I thoroughly enjoyed myself and being a lucky one, I got chosen (a strip of paper under my chair) to play a game known as "Sucking cotton balls". Hahahahhaha. I lost of course but I had fun sucking up cotton balls using a short straw and dumping it into an empty container some distance away. After the event ended, the dancing began. It was a bit awkward at first and I was contemplating on whether to join or not. My friends and I did at the end and we danced with style, a bit awkward but still. Haha. One of my friends danced like an energizer bunny, he kept moving around, bouncing and jumping, it was a funny sight to see. After almost an hour of dancing, we went back, some of us drenched with sweat.

It was really fun but now it's back to reality. Study! -.-

Third day: 2 is the number for the day

Today I woke up after being a food platter for mosquitoes and had this head space of screw this, I am not going to let this take away my happiness in life. God is with me and I can do this so I'm just going to go to uni, have some fun, learn something new and come back home and sleep. No over thinking and worrying like a mad man.

I had 2 cases studies and 2 lectures and it was the most overwhelming day I had since uni started but I kept cool. I listened and even though I felt a bit tired it was okay. I still find the guidelines of what is expected of us confusing but no worries, I'll figure that out somehow.

I have remind myself that I chose this to help people and not to throw myself over the ledge. I don't need to be the best in class, average is fine, as long as I pass and get to be a profession where I could help people medically.

I know I am much more optimistic than I was yesterday but I can't guarantee it will stay like that.

Live and not just survive.

Second day: On the verge of hyperventilation

Today went on fine, a couple of introductory classes on how to access the university portal and what we should be expecting in our course, the general stuffs.

However, after my first group seminar my father called and everything went downhill from there. He kept asking me if I made friends and that frustrated me to no end. Yeah, call me a douche for being angry at my dad for caring about me. I just hate it how his voice is laced with pity and concern like he was scared that I would be all alone in the big bad university. His concern is not unfounded but it kinds of annoys me like the way how it annoys people when other people pick on your faults unknowingly. After that wonderful conversation that reminded me what a timid person I am, I returned back to my room to have an early dinner that I bought from the cafeteria because I was lazy to walk back there just to get food at night. Watch a couple of youtube videos and basically just relaxed a bit.

Then it happened. I flipped through the case studies as required for tomorrow's lecture on it. It had a lot of words which I have no clue of and names of medication I have never heard of. I know that we won't need to memorise everything or understand everything because we are just beginners. However, that irked me to no end and the frustration builds.

My mom called again and voiced the same concerns as my dad, asking me whether I manage to make any new friends or that I was alone. The level of frustration surged up dramatically and I did my best to be cordial without sounding like I was about to scream like a banshee.

So I thought screw the case, let's look up the lectures that I am going to have tomorrow since it was expected of us. I think that was when the straw broke the camel's back as I had no idea where to start and what I should do for preparation. I have no textbook as they told us it was not required but recommended (what the heck was the suppose to mean?) and was reluctant to listen to previous recording of the lecture because than I might not pay attention tomorrow. I freaked the heck out and my chest felt heavy and all I wanted to do was run out of this situation (i.e quit). I keep asking myself what the heck have I gotten myself into and how have others not stop me enough.

I'm freaking study medicine now, me, Ricky, the heck just happened? Would I be able to cope? All the doubts came crashing in yet again (I know, I hate my whining as well, join the club)and that's when I felt like I was on the verge of hyperventilation.
I decided to call up my parents to appease the guilt of the snapping that they received unjustly but it got worse as the they brought up the same point again and I just quit. I said I wanted to sleep early and hung up and here I am, in my bed, chest feeling heavy, laying in bed with the lights off.

What the heck am I doing?

First day of uni

Today is the first day of university and I felt a bit numb. I wasn't overly excited nor was I jumping for joy. It felt like something that I just had to do, it felt like a responsibility that I had to take rather than an adventure.

I've met a couple of nice people during our registration and maybe they could be counted as my new mates, we'll see. We just filled in a couple of forms, got our lab coat, locker key, access cards and student ID. After that there was a brief introduction to university life where they did a survey about all kinds of stuff like how many were male and how many were female. It was okay I guess, the speaker was quite funny so that's a good sign.

Then we went to lunch and I've met a couple of the people from BMS. There's only 12 of them and I kind of envy them because being such a small group, it is easier to interact and stay close knitted. They were really nice and fun to talked to especially since we had about 2 hours of break before the English proficiency test.

Uh, the English proficiency test was brutal. We had 40 minutes to write about whether or not we agree that the increasing quality of sanitation and health care was the reason for the increasing life expectancy. I have written for a long time so I was rusty and I did my best so there's nothing more I could do.

After that, we had nothing else on the agenda so we went back to our rooms. I suddenly felt homesick when I opened my wardrobe as I saw the neatly folded clothes and the tin of biscuit that my parents bought me in case I felt hungry. Tears flowed as I remembered the how fortunate I was back home where all my needs has been taken care off and the urge to go back home was really strong.

I have to ask myself, was this worth it? Was this worth everything that I've given up for? I still have no answer to that question. I guilty admit that during the day, I've thought about switching to dentistry purely for the reasons that I would get better pay and a more reasonable work hours.

The coursework is going to be brutal for medicine and I hope I can actually deal with it... Maybe I overestimated myself, fooling myself to think that I could do this...

Awkward turtle

It's only been the first few hours but I'm already quite nervous. I would say I am bit socially awkward especially at first because I can't gather up the courage to start up a conversation with strangers nor do I have the magnetic pull to draw a person in like my brother seems to have.

Arrghhh! I feel so useless because now I'm stuck in my room eating puffs as dinner because I'm scared that I'll have to eat dinner alone down in the cafeteria which would be really awkward. I think I have an avid phobia of awkward situations as this actually causes adverse effects on my daily life. I'm freaking missing dinner for this, DINNER!

My parents is going to call later and I'll probably have to lie and tell them that I've eaten dinner with some of my new friends. I know you're probably going to wag your finger and think exasperatedly 'Why don't you just down and eat, maybe you'll actually meet some new friends?' Don't you think I know that? The potential awkward situations that may arise from that prevents me from doing so, stupid phobia, stupid me.

I was lucky in Canning college that the group I was thrust into was introduced by my brother and they accepted me with open arms. Here, I'm sitting inside my room, freaking out just a little bit while 3 other people are outside fixing some stuff, drilling holes in my housemate's room.

Why am I such a wuss? :/ My tummy is angry at me too...

Life in Johor pre-uni

4 months of break flew by so fast and now I'm in my room, hearing the swirling sound of a fan and hoping my internet will not get disconnected like it did 5 minutes ago.

I wanted to blog before I went but I did not feel like it because waves of nostalgia and insecurities about how I am going to survive medical school is very emotionally taxing.

I still can't believe I'm here, going to med school. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but to a kid who got last place in primary school, I still can't grasp that I am indeed enrolled in a mildly prestigious med school. Why have you gotten yourselves into Ricky?

My parents and I went to visit a few shopping malls before they left and I can say without a doubt if they weren't here, I would not have half of the necessities that I didn't think that I needed. They have helped me immensely in setting up my room so it looks more like a room than a prison cell. Thanks mom and dad!

We went out to eat quite frequently and I think I've gained some weight (again *sigh*) so I better hit the gym soon because they will be a health check around the corner and to be honest, I am quite scared about that. Please Ricky, you got to at least exercise a bit everyday so you can actually fit into clothes that doesn't make you look like a walrus. -.-

I am quite nervous about meeting new people because it's out of my comfort zone and thinking about having to establish new relationships with my fellow classmates seems a bit daunting but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a least bit excited.

I missed my old friends a lot and sometimes I wonder how fun it could be if they were all here beside me and going through this together like we did in secondary school or canning college. I haven't been contacting them a lot recently because I just can't find the words to make the conversation less awkward. I really need to work on my social skills and need to have more courage because if I continue like this, I may lose someone I consider important in my life.

There is suppose to be a meet and greet tonight with the other first-years and I'm still wondering whether I should go or not. The time for that isn't that clear thought I now know where the venue is located within the building. I feel like taking a long nap until tomorrow morning and shut everyone out because to dwell on the start of a stressful uni life yet again.

Was this the right choice? Gosh I hope so. God, please use me as you see fit and drill it into my thick and stubborn brain that all I do is for you and not myself. I'm sorry I've not been close with you these few months and there is no excuse for that. I hope that this new beginning is what you think I need and not what I think I need.

Trying

Today, late at night, I happen to stumble upon a website that figuratively shoves facts of why not to be a doctor into your face and their opinions are backed up by the statistics provided by MMC (Malaysia's Medical Council)

I've known that there is an overpopulation of doctors but I did not know that this issue was serious to an extent that my future, if I am able to successfully graduate, will hold so many uncertainties such as uncertain job security.

The main reason I left everything behind to pursue this is because I wanted to help people. I wanted to change the world, make it a better place, even if it was for just a person. I am in no way insinuating that other professions can't help people, I am just pointing out that for me, studying medicine seems to be the best way, at least that's how I see it.

I wish I could be selfless and say that money doesn't matter or that as long as I had my passion I will be fine. A lot of doubts are swimming in my mind and I am really frustrated. What if my passion isn't enough? What if I'm not enough? Just because a person got into med school does not mean that person is suited to become a doctor.

I am really trying to stay positive, to stay strong and be courageous. I really am...

What I want isn't what I should want.

What I should want isn't what I want.

Complications, confusions and frustrations. That's what I am dealing with.

Shoulder back and head high, I wish I could walk like that.

A thousand sorry amounts to nothing as faults are continued.

A tear filled face is but an act without a contrite heart.

Yet, I continue as I am.

Bite off more than I can chew

I recalled the agent pointing out that I was a bit late for my application since she had two students and both of had their interviews already. I was intrigued about who they were and wondered we could maybe meet up so I would at least know someone before I got there. That's why I asked my dad a few days ago if he knew the other students since he was in contact with my education agent.

My dad called the agent today, unbeknownst to me and told me that none of the other students under the education agent were accepted besides me while I laid there watching tv mindlessly. The first reaction I had was 'What the crap?' because I honestly did not think it would be that competitive. After that came the dreadful feeling of inadequacy, in complete contrast to the feeling I got when I was accepted into vet school.

I was saying 'crap' multiple times to myself while wondering if I bit off more than I can chew. It's freaking medical school and I'm just me. The 'What the heck were you thinking' came into mind yet again and my self-confidence plummeted albeit it wasn't that high to start with. I felt like I fooled someone into believing that I could do it but inside I was rocking in a fetal position. What if I took the place of someone more deserving than me like what I did in vet school...

All the doubts came crashing in and within the span of 5 minutes, I was reduced the walking husk, intentionally blocking all thoughts and just focusing on the images flashing from the magical box we call tv.

Crap. Utter bugger.

Writing

Once upon a time, a kid was bored out of his mind as he had nothing to do in his mother's office except spinning on the chair which earned him glares from his mother.

He had just finished the Spongebob Squarepants movie's novel and then a thought came into his mind. He could write his own Spongebob Squarepants' movie! Evidently, he didn't know about things such as copyright. Yeah, those were the good times.

That day was the first time he remembered that he like writing and also spinning while sitting on a chair. He wrote a page long of the story and printed it out to present it to his mom with a proud smile. He created the magnificent adventure that Spongebob and Patrick was going on and it felt like he was with them, tagging along. His mom smiled and the rest was history.

Years later, he found himself sitting on a chair nearby a hospital bed, staring at this grandpa lying on the bed. It was a bit hot and humid and truthfully he preferred to stay at home but he knew that he had to be here, not only because his parents told him to. He knew he was going to stay there for quite a long time before his aunt or uncle came to take the next shift. Holding only a pencil and a pad of foolscap, he was set. That was all he needed and the rest depended on his imagination. He composed a story that was since long forgotten but the act wasn't.

It was around that time he figured that he liked writing. He wasn't talented nor did he fully grasp the grammar skill needed for it but he felt good so he kept on.

During his teenage years, he found out that penning his frustration and angst of his daily life actually helped so he did it. Words wouldn't judge him like the world did, he was the puppet master and the words were his puppet for the show, a show of his true feelings and no one could take that away.

Writing was for him and is still is until now.

Hurts so good?

I was at the bookstore the other day and the reviews on the back of a book caught my eye. It was along the lines that guaranteed a heart wrenching experience. No doubt the reader of this book would need to brace themselves for an emotional wallop.

I was very hesitant on buying this book although the synopsis rendered me interested. With time to kill, I decided to flip a few pages to note the writing style and see if I could decipher the plot-line. I couldn't focus on reading it since I was looking around and feeling guilty that I'm reading this book like I would in a library, it felt illegal somehow. After a couple of brief glances, I flip to the final pages of the book and then it came.

The feels came back with a vengeance after I read a letter that the main male character wrote to the female before he died after insisting that he be pulled off the life supporting machine. I immediately closed the book before it got too much like the time I read the ending of Marley and me in the school bus. It wasn't a pretty sight.

It was that kind of book that hurts but in a good way. I don't know how to explain it in more detail than that. I've read books with tear inducing endings and boy does it pack an emotional punch. You'll feel like a soulless husk and wander around at least for the remaining day. At night, you'll look up on the ceiling, illuminated by the faint glow of the moonlight, thinking about how you would feel if you were the one being left alone like in the book.

I have a hate love relationship with these kinds of stories and for now, I'll stay away from them and gravitates towards the funny, fluffy ones. Maybe one day I'll return to them. One day...

Regret?

The production of the documentary about the Vet school in Murdoch is now showing on ABC1 in Australia.

I won't lie, my felt like a soft punch in the gut when I saw the pictures, sneak-peaks and news about it. Was that regret? In 4 years that could be me. It is not that I wanted to be in that documentary but I wonder what my life would be as a veterinarian.
And that's how I remember why I chose to pull out of that awesome school.

To put it simply, it just wasn't for me.

I've been so sick of explaining to people, seeing pity and confusion on their faces. I know it is not their fault but it still hurts when I was reminded of what I had.

I was in one of the best vet school in Australia and I gave it all up... Sometimes I wonder about my choices. I want to feel that I made the right choice without an ounce of doubt but I can't.

Uugh!! Stop it! Stupid feelings.

Friends from ages 4-9

I was at my neighbour's house during the Raya when I noticed two children who just met playing harmoniously together. They didn't utter any words but when one walked up to the other, with a wave of his tiny hands, she was his friend. It was that easy.

This cute scene motivated me to walk down memory lane and think of the friends that I made when I was just a kid with proportionally large ears.

In kindergarten, I remember sitting beside a boy with immaculately gelled hair. I forgot what his name was but I knew it started with a B (Benedict, Brendan?). I don't remember much about interacting with anyone else except him so I think he was my closest friend there.

Then came primary school and my memory capacity increased (well I like to think it did) so I remembered quite a lot about the friends that I made.

When I was in Year 1-Year 3, I was best friends with a boy named Michael and a girl named Adeline. We weren't the three musketeers. They hung out with different groups (the boys and girls were very segregated back then, mostly hung out with the same sexes) and I fleeted between their groups. I remember Michael and I would play in the classroom during recesses whereas Adeline and I were co-class monitors so we interacted quite frequently and got on superbly. However, I can't for the life of me remember any distinct memories, just snippets of us hanging together.

Outside the classroom, my closest friend was Victor. Both of our moms were good friends and our houses were close to each other so play dates were often. He had a better game console so more often than not, we were at his house. I remember more about our time together because we talked for hours on end. Sometimes my mom would even send me to his parent's workplace (a garage of some sort)so that we could play together. I considered him my best friend and I thought I was his.

Then came that one fateful night that changed me. I know it sounds very dramatic but it's true. That night changed about my perception of what the word 'friend' meant and the distinction between 'friends' and 'acquaintance'.

It was his birthday party and he had a party at his house. I was so excited because play time with my best friends combined with cake and chicken wings, what boy wouldn't? I think he started playing badminton a while before this and he had a badminton practice that day so he was late (or I was early, I'm not really that sure).

I waited eagerly for his arrival so we could go play on his game console and munch on unhealthy fried foods. I remember I saw him approaching his house (I was on the sofa and the front door was open)and some of his badminton buddies was with him. The next part was a bit fuzzy but I remembered that he didn't stop to talk to me and just went into the room with the game console.

My mom urged me to go inside and join them but I was a bit apprehensive because I didn't know anyone else except Victor. But then I thought about it. I was his best friend so it would be fine right? So I fidget my way into the room and found most of them engrossed in the game even though only two could play at a time. My unexpected entrance earned a few brief glances and nothing else. No introductions or other acknowledgement of my existence. I just sat on the side and watched them play, feeling a funny feeling in my gut. I didn't like that feeling. Needless to say, I went out of the room after a few minutes.

I went outside and sat with my parents, thinking to myself 'What just happened?'. I think that was the first moment that remembered of ever feeling like I was growing up, like someone shove me onto a step towards the cold hard truth of real life.
That night handed me a revelation that friends don't last forever and friendships need mutual efforts to stay afloat.

Then after that...

It's my birthday! Yeah?

20 years ago, a pregnant woman was wheeled into a ward, screaming and shouting for someone to get the freaking baby out of her. That woman even signed her own papers instead of waiting for her husband because the baby was kicking violently inside and she wanted the baby out. That woman was my mine and the baby that was kicking before it met synthetic light was me.

Fun fact, my dad said that I look like ET when I was young. Well, at least it was fun for you. Thanks dad for telling me I look like an alien with my disproportionately large ears, it helped a lot with my self confidence that I looked weird since I was young. Then again, don't all babies look weird and what's with the soft spot on top of the head, it is like a self-destruct button.

I used to make a big deal about my birthday. On my birthday I was the prince, adored by my subjects and no one is allowed to go against my wishes. It was law, deal with it. I still remember that my mom would wake my brother and I early on our birthdays and make us a special western breakfast and a lighted candle made it so much more special. The western breakfast wasn't the greatest but to me it was so special. My mom cared enough to wake up an hour earlier just to cook that for us and seeing all of their smiling faces lighted by the faint candle was more than any birthday present that I could wish for. Well, unless they took me for a weekend in Disneyland, that would have been more awesome. Hey, just telling the truth.

My dad would give me an additional 5 dollars pocket money on my special day so I could buy anything I want.However, in one occasion, he accompanied to the canteen and bought me candies himself instead and that was to me, a more special and memorable gesture.

My mom would brought a cake home, just a simple one with lots of white frosting and maybe a generic cartoon character that was suppose to appeal to every kid. I would sit in front of the cake and wearing my metaphorical crown-of-the-day, I would listen to my family singing the happy birthday song. After that, I'll open the present and then go back to bed with a wide grin plastered on my face. It was my day and they made it special.

However, as I grew up, birthdays became less special. I forgot since which birthday that my mom stopped making the western breakfast and my dad stopped giving me extra pocket money. I distinctly remembered that I was so sad that my special day wasn't special anymore just because I'm older. I was no longer a prince and the happy birthday song didn't make me blush and giggle like it used to. However, I think my parents sensed that as I grew up, my friend played a more prominent part in celebrating my birthday. They would let me go out with them and celebrate my day and although I was immensely grateful for my friends, I still wished that my parents would make more a big deal on my birthday like they used too.

My friends gave me some of the most memorable birthdays that I could ever had. Frosting on my face, hidden birthday presents, choruses of the happy birthday song and most of all, their presence was the best gift. I actually liked cards or hand-made gifts more, I just feel warm and fuzzy looking at those happy wishes just for me on my special day.

Tomorrow I am going to turn 20. I hope I never forget how special one's birthday is. Please Ricky, remember to make your future children a special western breakfast with candle lights in the morning until you can no longer cook. Continue on the tradition and brighten some days.

Happy Birthday to me. XD

Not a good day

Today was not a good day.

It started off fine in the morning which was expected because I had no assignments or assessments waiting for me to finish. I had my breakfast and watched some tv and this was how time went by a normal Saturday morning.

Then it all came spiraling down just before lunch. I won't divulge what exactly happened but in short, my dad and I had a heated argument over lunch. He can be so stubborn and hot headed sometimes that I just want to scream on the top of my lungs before exiting dramatically. You know what the worst part is, I'm like him in that perspective.

I can be annoyingly stubborn that I enrage myself sometimes because that is exactly what I didn't want to pick up from dad. Don't even let me started when I get angry. When that happens I spew out venom fast and you bet it stings. When I am angry, my brain automatically sources all the information on the person that made me piss and I strike hard. It worsens if the person fights back and if not, my furry multiples. It is a scary sight even for me.

He did something that enraged me and I said something that enraged him. It ended with me giving him the cold shoulder and slamming the door for a dramatic effect.

It gets worse. Today is Father's day in Miri or so I was told by my mom. I got in an argument with my dad on Father's day and neither of us can be the bigger man and apologize. I know, fun right?

We went out for a slightly upscale dinner at a fancy restaurant eating western food which happened to be my favorite. But being the stubborn mule that I am I feign disinterest and scan the menu like it was nothing but a day old newspaper.

During dinner time my mom updated us on one of my cousin's life. He went to Taiwan recently to explore any job opportunities and before he went, he gave his parents each an angpao with RM 500 and wrote notes for them. He didn't take any of his parents money for this trip and the ones that gave him money, he gave them back the money, just keeping the angpao as a sentiment. My parents all commented on how mature he was and here I was, the angry teenager trying to understand how to use a fork and knife simultaneously while giving his dad a cold shoulder on Father's day.

Needless to say, my appetite was ruin and I held my head a little lower. In between my cousin who is a doctor, one who is a genius studying in Oxford and the one that I mentioned, I feel like the title of a Grade A douche bag son is close upon me.

*Sigh*

Decision

Like a shadow of my former self,
I roam around the earth.
Stacked up all that I had on a shelf,
With nothing left that is of worth.

I whispered no lies or tales,
Pretending became a way of life.
Couldn't care less about life's details,
Just wanted to forget the strife.

Sometimes life moves by too fast,
No time to think and reflect.
Or was I the last,
To know what was incorrect?

I understand now how despair could eat,
Bit by bit until it becomes you.
Raising up the white flag and accepting defeat,
Instead of fighting on like which you once knew.

Nothing that anyone says is of use,
To put you back among the stars.
They can listen to your blues,
But only you can decide how to deal with the scars.

Grandmum

Ah, grandmum. How can I describe my grandmum? Well, you can say that my dad is her son, meaning that she and my dad has a lot of similar mannerisms that they are not even aware of.

My grandmum has this fear that I will be dehydrated, ALL THE TIME. Every time I go to her house, she'll bring me one glass of tea follow up by another one per hour. Oh, she'll ask but your answer doesn't really matter. It goes like this

Grandmum: Ricky, do you want to drink tea? (Rushing to the kitchen to get the darn tea pot)

Me:No, grandma! No! (Looking at her direction with a pleading look)

-After a few more times=

Grandmum: Ricky, you haven't drink water in a long time. Let me get you some water.

Me: (Roll my eyes and mumble whatever)

She based the fact that I am always dehydrated on my the color of my lips that is always red. I don't even know if that's a legit indicator but I am leaning towards no because my lips are always this red unless I'm sick. She always brings this up when I tell her I don't want any water and one time I got so frustrated that I told her I was wearing lipstick. Sure enough, another mug of tea appears in front of me and my smart remark was ignored.

Moreover, she thinks that my appetite is humongous. And that's coming from me. I have a bigger appetite than most people and she still thinks that I eat too little. I'm like, am I a sasquatch in your eyes? I know she means well but it's ridiculous when she demands (slight exaggeration, slight being the key word here) me to eat a whole plate of food which is clearly enough for two or three people. I know she means well but sometimes I just want to pluck my hair out and shout 'ARE YOU MY STOMACH?'

Here's a typical conversation on the dinner table when I feel full

Me: I'm full now, I can eat anymore.

Grandmum: What do you by you are full? You have barely eaten (Serious face)

Me: I ate a lot! (Giving her a incredulous look)

Grandmum: Just eat it slowly and you'll finish it.

Me: (Turn to dad) I'm full. (Rush to the living room)

EVERY TIME. I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. LIKE SERIOUSLY. I THINK I CAN RECORD MY REPLY AND PLAY IT. HEY, I SHOULD TOTALLY DO THAT.

My dad is the same but on a different issue. He bugs me about peeing. STILL BEING SERIOUS HERE.

I'll give you an example

Dad: (Coming out of the toilet) Have you peed?

Me: No.

Dad: Go pee.

Me: What?

Dad: Go pee.

Me: Why?

Dad: Why aren't you peeing?

Me: Because I don't want to pee. You are not my bladder!

See, this is my life. I wonder if I have kids would I treat them the same. I think I would just to get back at them from all the late night feedings when they were an infant. HAHA. I would totally be a fun dad XD

Weddings

The urge of inflicting physical harm on another person was intense when my dad woke me up in the middle of my nap. We had just endured a 5 hours drive from Sibu to Miri in which my head had lumps upon lumps like a cactus after countless of bumping. I tried to plop back to bed but my dad told me if I wanted to shower than I better get my grumpy self up or look like a witch from Snow White as I had to attend yet another wedding banquet.

My mom's ex-colleague's son was getting married (do I get points for remembering that?) and my dad adamantly refused to go so I being the loving son that I was agreed to go with her albeit begrudgingly (my loving nature has its limits and after that 'fun' 6 hours drive, my limits was reached beyond comprehension).

I showered and dressed up nicely and snapped at my innocent dad who chuckled at my attempt on guilt tripping him. He was impervious to my snarky attitude and I would be too if it meant I didn't had to go to that wedding. I mean I didn't even know the person and my head ached. I was just going to sit there and drink up my years worth of Chinese tea while eyeing the prawn that my mom would never let me have and listening to the adults talking about things I don't understand or care really.

After guilt tripping my dad for the last time, my mom and I departed to the wedding early just so that we can find a reasonably close parking space. Great, for that parking space I have to endure an additional half and hour of eating peanuts and thinking of sneaky ways to eat the peanuts when my mom told me I had enough.

My mom met her friends when we were escorted into the venue and long story short, only our tables weren't set up yet so we had to find someone to relay that information and waited patiently (well at least she did, I was fuming inside, at least have the decency to let me suffer sitting down, come on, where is your common courtesy).

Surprise, surprise, the seat of an ex-colleague was the farthest away from the stage and if someone took a picture of it it might as well has this caption 'You should be lucky that we are even inviting you, so sit down and enjoy the food while you criticize the wedding like we know you would. P.S. Screw you. Okay, I wasn't in the most pleasant of mood when I thought about that but it was true. We sat just next to both of the speakers and basically when the "singers" sing their heart outs, our hearts consequently goes out as well.

Thank goodness for mobile phones because it kept me occupied and my countenance more nonchalant than bemused. My mom didn't mind because if she knew I could throw a hissy fit like no other (hey I learned it from the master herself). The food was okay and I couldn't really complain because everyone did that job already so I just sat there and looked pretty like the wedding cake on stage that wasn't going to get eaten.

I actually thought about some deep stuff while I was there, trying to not wince at the music blaring from the two speakers hanging over at the corner and vowing to ban karaoke in my wedding but I'll write that another time.

When there were only 2-3 dishes left, I cuddled up to my mom and asked her whether we could leave now using the sweetest voice I could muster up while my tummy was fighting with all the chinese tea that I drank. She obliged and we went home. I couldn't have been happier and the night ended with me tucked in bed and thankfully that next time, dad will be going instead of me as we reached an agreement. If not, then there will be a show, not a pretty one at that.

Stings

I have been semi-isolating myself from the world, trying to numb myself from all the overwhelming feelings bombarding me.

Is it selfish? Yes. I'm cutting off contact some of my friends because they remind me of a life that I gave up, the source of my internal struggles. They didn't do anything wrong, as a matter of fact, they did exactly the opposite. Encouragements and optimistic conversations were all that they gave but I couldn't handle it.

I want to believe what they say is true but I can't. It still stings and all I can do now is try to escape momentarily and hope that time heals the wounds.

Issues

Ricky! How the heck did you gather up this courage to make this big decision huh? What the crap happened to you?

I've never dive into a situation as unstable as this and any moment, my dream could be crushed to pulp leaving me a sobbing mess on my bed.

I'm nervous. How can I not be? I'm about the hear back the verdict of whether IMU would accept me or not after I bombed (okay, slight exaggeration but you get the point) the interview. If it's a no then is it a sign for me or something? Like a sign for me not to continue on this crazy path or a sign for me to hold on?

How can I convince someone that they should pick me when I'm not even 100% confident that I could be a good doctor. A freaking doctor! I don't know why am I so freaked out about it. Think about it, I studied vet (the past tense kind of stings a bit) and that's basically a doctor for animals. It wasn't like I did art or business when I decided to pursue this.

Me, Ricky, the person who can trip on flat surfaces (but somehow never falls down, I know its a gift, contain your jealousy) is going to be a person who is in charge of sticking a needle to draw blood, telling someone what pills they should take to combat their illness and maybe even informing someone about the deaths of patients (I know, just call me Mr. Optimistic or Mr. Rainbow Sunshine- sunshine being the sir name).

I want to be this confident person that walks into the room and the interviewer just dropp their writing boards and say 'He's through. Duh people, stop sending me candidates that is obviously doctor material'. After that I'll just saunter out of the room like I expected nothing else. I know, vivid imagination much. *Sigh*

Insecurities

I want to be so angry at you but I can't. I didn't exactly tell you not to divulge any information so what you did wasn't exactly wrong.However, I hoped that you registered that what I told you was and still is a sensitive issue for me and I choose to only tell the one I'm closest too or the ones that will be affected by my decisions. But then you're not a psychic so I can't expect you to read my mind. I guess I'm just a bit disappointed at how you missed the gravity of the situation because if you did then you wouldn't have done what you did.

Today I heard from my grandma utter that question I dreaded to hear. I could sense that she thought I couldn't cope with the studies but maybe that's just me being oversensitive but then again my dad's side has never been subtle. I didn't even try to argue, just nodded and let her think what she wants. I honestly think she wasn't really that bothered about me dropping out of vet school, she was just trying to make sense of this situation. She would have been happier for me to gulp down her endless supply of tea and food (like seriously, where how many tea bags does she have?!). No joke.

She always told me that one of my uncle asked her about my situation and I completely froze. I knew that one of my friends blurted that information to another friend which must have told my cousin who then relayed the information backed to her parents. If I'm being painfully honest, I don't think he asked out of genuine concern, rather he just wanted something to talk (putting it nicely here) about.

Let's just say cynicism and judgmental runs a bit rampant in some of my relatives. I told myself I wouldn't care what they think. Sure, they would blurt out some mindless hurtful comments or questions when or if we ever meet but I would just let it ricochet and smile. All the people I care about doesn't mind right so why do I have any reason to be sad about? Apparently, what I thought in my brain wasn't relaying to my heart as evident in my frozen stature after my grandma told me that my uncle asked about my situation.

I haven't told some of my friends back in Miri yet because even though I care about them I know that some of them would still throw some questions or comments that would sting my heart even though I know they don't mean it. I don't want to resent them for that because they deserve more than that for caring about me. Besides, based on how my 'wonderfully' my interview went, I'm not that confident that I'll get in to med school.

Thankfully there are some friends who sort of understands my situation and say nothing but the right words to comfort me. I think that's the only reason why I haven't went into a crazy fit yet...

In short

KL was hot and humid, food was a bit pricey. Shopping wasn't fun with my dad but I don't blame him, the main shopper in our family was always mom and my brother, we were content following them anywhere they pleased. Well, not entire true, dad would follow them willingly while I harbored a deep intense hatred for boutiques that my mom frequented.

Interview was okay. I think one of the interviewer disliked me because it seemed to me like my answers didn't satisfied her questions but I'm okay. Well as okay as a person can be in my situation. The same interviewer asked me how my parents dealt with me leaving my veterinary studies and obviously dumping out so much money just so I can flush it down the toilet. I didn't think about it that time because I was high in adrenalin but I really wanted to shout out 'What about me?' Yeah, what about me? Do you think I have all of this crap figured out right now? How would you feel if I told you are now no longer who you are and have to reevaluate your life to search the new you. Would you be able to convince someone that you should be a doctor when you yourself are not 100% sure. I want this but I haven't always wanted this. It's a hard transition not only for my parents but for me as well.

Everyone seems to be occupied about how I would affect others around but I would sure as heck appreciate someone asking me how I feel in this situation. I think people seem to assume that me making up this decision pretty much means that I have this all figured out but I don't. I'm still confused and scared. It's like walking in a dark tunnel and having a flashlight with limited battery. With every ticking time, the battery is being used up, I only have a limited amount of time finding a way out.

I'm back home but a part of me feel like I don't belong here which I guess is normal because I'm suppose to be in Perth now, fretting about the assignment due or procrastinating like a pro.

Watching some programs on national geographic and animal planet stings a bit because it reminded me of what I threw away. Like a part of me was missing. My identity was taken away and now I'm raw and vulnerable, trying to find out who I am all over again.

In short, I'm not fine. Not at all...

Thank you God so much for the journey I had in Perth. This just show that you are more awesome than I know.

You gave me friends that I never knew I needed and wanted. They gave me so much good memories and I'll be forever thankful for that.

I just wanted to say I regret not hugging each of you because I know if I start tearing up, I won't stop.

Thank you so much for attending my departure and giving me that wonderful tear-inducing books filled with so many fond memories. Crap, you guys really know how to make me cry don't you.

I'll never know where did I get the courage to leave all of you but I know all of you have a piece of heart, cheesy but true.

I still can't imagine that I won't see some of you guys for a long time or even forever and I just really want to rush out from this departure hall and hug all of you and never let you go.

I don't think you guys have any idea how much joy you brought into my life. My life was better just because you were in there, never doubt that.

I just really want to find a room and cry my heart out now but I'm keeping it in, I don't want to be the crying fat crazy Asian that gets escorted into a room by the security.

I'll stop now because its time to go in the plane. I'll miss you guys so much. Love you all.

I was here

This is it isn't it? Tomorrow I'll be in KL and my journey in Perth would be nothing but an old chapter of my life filled with wonderful memories.

Perth felt like a home away from home, like my own little safe haven where I journeyed to find who I am without the influence of my parents.

I want to write so much more, scream out my feelings, sob loudly and just let it go. But I can't. Maybe I'm still in denial or maybe I've learn to suppress my emotions too well.

All I could muster out is "I won't cry." Why? If tears flow out, then I can't pretend I'm just a passer-by looking at someone else's life, it's my life.

I had so many wonderful memories here albeit there are some sad and depressing ones too. I've made close friends that I never thought I would. I learned, laughed and cried with all of them and they helped created some of my fondest memories. I wanted to list everyone out and write a farewell to each of them but I decided against it. It would feel to real. Now the water falling outside would be suffice.

I remember the first night in Perth, I was in this same exact room. I was in awe of this mysterious place called Perth and giddy from the thought of having new adventures and experience.

God gave me so much more than I expected, He gave me a journey beyond my wildest dreams. I had crazy adventures, long journeys, road trips and even a chatting session that lasted until 2 in the morning. I've met some wonderful people and I was lucky enough to befriend some of them. They were like the puzzle pieces in my life that I never thought was missing until they came crashing into my life. I will always cherish the moments we shared, always.

What else can I say without shedding a tear? Not seeing them every youth, Sunday service and not able to go have adventures with them during breaks. I feel like we still have so much to do but I guess I lost the privilege to complain when I decided to go back home.

The song, I was here resonated with me lately.
___
I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time
Know there was something that, meant something that I left behind
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets
Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here

I want to say I lived each day, until I died
And know that I meant something in, somebody's life
The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave
That I made a difference, and this world will see.
___

I wished I made some impact in their lives however small it may be because I know in my heart that they left a footprint in my heart that will never disappear.

Footprint

I've been burring my head into stories just to get my mind off everything. Sometimes there is just too much to process and I choose the easy way out- ignorance.

I can't cry because crying makes it feel real, it hurts. So I'm either pretending or focusing my attention on reading stories.

This chapter of my life is closing soon and I don't know what to do. I've never been good at goodbyes and this time it is for real. No more 'Oh, maybe there is a chance that I'll come back', I'm going back for good.

My footprints in Perth will slowly fade away until one day I'll be just another footprint on the beach, washed away by the waves.

No tears

There is only a few days left before I depart from Perth permanently. I don't know why but tears are yet to surface except for the slight meltdown on Thursday when I started my packing.

Everything is moving too fast and I guess its easier to pretend everything is going to stay the same rather than face real life.

This afternoon as I gaze onto the sky, I didn't think about how I would miss the clouds here (crazy I know) but instead I felt like I was still going to see them for a long time. I'm still living in my own protective bubble but with every day gone buy and all the gestures I received, the bubble is getting weaker and about to pop.

I don't want to think about what I'm leaving behind. It just hurts too much to curl up into a fetal position and let the tears flow. I'm still playing this game until the very end.

For now, there are no tears.

Rockingham beach

Today was a joyous day. A whole afternoon spent strolling down and drowning myself in the picturesque scenery of Rockingham beach whilst enjoying the company of my two friends.

I felt like an adventure today again, exploring new territories and seeing new shops in every corner. I never thought that I would get to experience this again before my departure from Perth and I'm very grateful that I could, even though it was just for that brief afternoon.

We went into the UK candy shop, munched fish and chips while have conversing. Although the howling wind made me shiver, my heart was warmed by the company of my friends. Conversation flowed easily like how it was before university life took a toll. We took pictures, had fun in the playground and ate frozen yogurt, I felt like a child again, I was happy.

Harsh words

There is no doubt that I will shed some tears as I leave Perth but I know there will be a small part of my thrilled for the new journey ahead.

This time I am no longer following other's footstep, I'll be on my own and though it's KL, I'm only familiar with the currency used there and nothing else.

I hate depending on people and maybe this is the golden opportunity for me to spread my wings and fly for once. Stripping myself of the L plate and strapping on the P plate to explore the world.

Truth be told, I don't think I would be happy having the living the life I have now in Perth for 5 more years. I barely get to see my friends here anyways, they have better things to do than hang out with me. I know they have studies to focus on and I am not being fair but I can't help but feel I've become a burden rather than a friend. Just another chore on the list to tick off.

I rather have geographical separation as a reason for the drifting friendship than what I have now. I know I'm being harsh and insensitive but that's how I feel.

I won't be living with my brother too so maybe I can get to explore who am I by myself. I want to know who am I beyond my safety net. Besides, this hopefully leads to less quarreling and tension between us.

Fiction

I haven't updated my blog as regularly as I would have in the past. I guess putting words down makes my departure from Perth more finalized and I don't think I'm entirely ready for that.

I won't lie, I expected to spend more time with my friends this week but I understand that they were occupied by their studies. Well, I sort of understand... I know I shouldn't but I do resent them slightly for that. A part of me wants to shout 'It may be the last time I am going to spend time with you in Perth, can't you drop the books and miss some lectures to spend some time with me?' Then the other part of me condemn myself for even having this kind of thought because that's selfish.

Would I drop everything down to spend some time with my friend if he/she was going back to Malaysia forever? I doubt I would being under the pressure exerted by my uni studies. Then why was I entertaining myself with this kind of thoughts...

The trip in the park wasn't what I imagined as well. I imagined that we'll be sitting on the grass and relieving the memories we shared. Instead, we walked and had mindless chi chat for the whole night while munching on snacks. I guess I have to separate real life and fiction. Things rarely go the way you want in real life and that's fine, may be that's even better in some way that I can't explain. I mean at least they tried right? But why do I still feel this way?

Confusion

Would things ever be clear again? I feel so confused and lost right now.

I don't know what to do other than trying to numb myself by pretending everything is not happening. I am doing quite a good job at it until a dream last night tackled me into reality.

I'm a bit fuzzy about the details but I distinctly remember me ending up in tears trying to defend myself against my dad's accusation while we were in KL. He was asking me about what I am going to do with my life in a frustrated tone and I totally broke down. I told him I don't know, I don't know what I am going to do, heck, I don't even know what I am doing right now?

The sad thing is I made all this choices, coming to Canning college, studying veterinary science in Murdoch. For the first time, my parents gave me the chance to choose my future and look where it got me. Sometimes I wish I just studied engineering instead. I can imagine that I'll probably come close to failing a couple of times, hate my internship, threaten to quite multiple times but I think I would have stuck through it... Okay, who am I kidding? I can't even stick through vet science, how can I even study something that I have zero passion about.

But still, I wish what course suite me the best. It's really disorientating growing up knowing what you do then when you got to it, you figure out that's not something you would want to do. I feel like I am having an identity crisis. Who am I exactly?

I see all my friends, all sticking to what they do, even though some still hate it but at least they didn't give up. I wish I had their determination, I wish I could bear doing something I am not passionate about, I wish I was normal.

Now, hear am I, the laughing stock of family and friends, stripped away of my identity, cowering in front of everyone to be criticized and mock at. Without their validation, my academic achievements, I feel empty, hollow. The worst part is I know that's not right because my self worth does not depend on other's opinion of me. But I can't help feeling this way. It's like having the write answers but hesitating to write it down on a test. Why the heck am I doing that? I don't know.

Introduction

I was brought up as a realist but a dreamer at heart.

I want to travel across the world and enjoy various local delicacies.

I want to learn how to bake a cake, preferably a green tea cheesecake.

I detach myself from heart-braking situation so I don't need to feel the pain.

I want to go to Disney World and wear those tacky Mickey Mouse ear hats.

I would like to dress up and celebrate Halloween just once.

I want to fall asleep beneath the stars on a meadow.

I want to attend a traditional ballroom event in an ancient castle.

I want to love and be loved.

ashamed

You don't need to lie to me, it doesn't work anymore. I've seen through the lies you spun and there is no point denying anymore. To me the truth, even if it hurts me. I rather be hurt than feeling that I can't trust the ones that I love.

It is understandable if you feel ashamed of me. I would be too if I were you. Wait, no, scratch that. I wouldn't because I know how it feels to be under the gaze of a loved one that oozes out disappointment. But you have every right to be because I am ashamed of myself too.

You don't need to elaborate your lies, you should have known by now that I see through all your lies, big or small. Why? I guess that's because you raised me and we are more alike than you think.

I won't tell others about my decision, only my best friends. I wished you tell the truth if someone asked you but I understand if you rather keep quiet. You've been through tough times and I was the culprit. I can't expect someone to be perfect and accept my imperfection because that would be contradictory wouldn't it?

I've braced for this since I made my decision. It hurts but it's okay. You told me not to live under the stares of others and you are one of the others. I'm tired of pleasing everyone and being scared of everything. I'll be brave for once and strive for what I want. It's high time that I started to run for myself than for anyone else. I'm just hoping the direction that I am running to is the Lord's direction.

Validation

"Is it too hard for you?" "Can't cope with it anymore?"

Words like these plunge a spear right through my heart not before piercing my ego.

I want to shout "No! I can do this! I know I can! Let me show you...please believe me." but in the end I just offer a simple "No, it's just that I am not interested in it anymore." Like I would expect anyone to believe that even though its true.

I think that's one of the reason I was reluctant to tell my course-mates that I was pulling out of vet school. I can't face the underlying meaning of their question like they were really concerned about me. Truthfully, I just can't face being a failure. They were right. I wasn't smart enough to persevere through, I know I would have cracked eventually.

Sometimes I want to explain myself to the others but more often than not, I keep my mouth shout because why add salt to a hurting wound? Why do I need validation from others? Why do I need them to believe or tell me that I am smart? Maybe its because that's all I am good for. That's my identity, my sole source of self-worth and pride. Is it unhealthy and wrong? Yeah but I can't help it.

Even though I don't think I am smart but I want people to think that, I want people to tell me so maybe one day I'll believe that I am worth more than what I think of myself now. All the awards and the compliments followed feels nice and warm like someone noticed me, like I for a moment in time, I was put on a pedestal, I was paid attention to. I was no longer Ricky-the good for nothing, Ricky-the original screw up or Ricky-the low self esteem weirdo, I was Ricky- the person who won something, Ricky- the person worth giving a compliment to.

Sure at first I did it to please my parents. They were so happy when I started doing well that I tried to live up to their expectation, just for them to smile at me more, to add a reason for them to love me more. But now I feel like its not about them anymore, it's mutated into an ugly ego-feeding monster that feeds on the recognition and validations of others.

When I noticed that I got the vice-chancellor academic excellence recognition award, I was so happy. I wanted to tell my parents to hear them say "I'm proud of you". But when I did, all I got was "See, why don't you stick to vet?" and "Oh, okay." I was utterly crushed. Why do I need their praise? Why do I need to be so weak to depend my self worth on someone's opinion of myself?

Then I decided to screw this! I don't need people to tell me how much I am worth, I don't people to validate that I am worthy of love, I don't need anyone to feed my ego anymore. I just want to be me again...

Beach

It has been too long since I felt the sand through the creases of my toe. Standing with my arms wide open, embracing the hug of mother nature in the form a of gentle breeze. I can feel my hair being tousled in the breeze but I don't mind, it feels comforting, like someone was running their hands delicately through my hair.

Walking down the path lined with broken seashells and fragments of seaweed, I feel happy, joyful as if soaking all the positive energy that was tackling me through the breeze and sunlight.

At that moment it was just me with God. Marveling at the wonder of His creation, producing such a masterpiece through white sand and shimmering sea. The sun shone brightly without the barrier of clouds, its rays warm my body as if it serves as a reminder that the sun too, was an important component of the picturesque scenery.

The refreshing coolness brought upon by the seawater on my feet were beautifully contrasted by the warmth of the sun. The lapping of the waves creating a tantalizing melody with the rustling of my hair, as if I was apart of a symphony but remains a spectator at the same time.

I stood there, buried my feet into the warm sand and enjoy the sudden lost and gain of coolness by the waves. Losing myself and immersing my senses into their surrounding, feeling and hearing everything, letting loose the rationality and for that moment I was a being that could feel and nothing more.

Carefully stepping onto the slanted surfaces of stone, I maneuvered myself to get to the edge closest to the sea without dropping into the kingdom for mermaids. Resting my back on the rock and tilt my head to the left, a wonderful sight graced its presence on my eyes. Mesmerized by the majestic view, I began to loose myself again. I wasn't Ricky the screw up, I wasn't Ricky the disappointment, I was just Ricky. Perhaps that was what I wanted all along, what I needed now to get through life. Even though it was just a tiny fraction of my life, I craved to be just Ricky, just me for as long as it could possibly last.

Want

I can be mean and downright cruel,
Doesn't mean I like to be that,
I don't try to deliberately hurt you,
But somehow wrong words just comes up.

Behind the condescending tone,
All the sarcasm lining the words,
Peel off all the layers,
Then you'll see I'm just afraid.

Words can be spun around,
Distorted into things that were not meant,
Breaking bonds and scarring relationships,
I had the front row seat to that viewing.

No one ever really listen anymore,
Less of self is a lost concept,
I should know that quite well,
Since when do I listen anymore.

All I've done is talking and hurting,
Never conveying what I really mean,
At least that's what you think,
I don't know how to prove you otherwise.

I may play the victim sometimes,
But I know I was at fault in this situation,
Frustration surged through me like electricity,
All I wanted was to be heard and be loved.

Hush now

Sleepless night and unwavering frown,
Since when it did become my daily routine,
Consumed by all the doubts and questions,
Can't you leave me alone just for a day.

Was it selfish to choose what my heart desire,
To give up dreams that I thought were real,
Go for something that's not within grasp,
Taking a risk without guaranteed return.

Just give me one day of peace,
Let me forget what predicament I am in,
Don't ask me questions you know I can't answer,
Pretend everything is still alright.

Lie to me if you need to,
Tell me I'm making the right decision,
To leave the comfort behind and run,
Run to a place where my happiness is.

Can you hear the plea I whisper,
Can't you see it in my eyes,
Hush now and leave the questions for another day,
For now let's act happy and nothing is wrong.

Shattered dream

I can understand the pain piercing through one's heart when one realized their dream is just the beginning of a nightmare.

I was blessed to be given a chance to live my dream, or at least, what used to be my dream. I still remember getting that acceptance letter was one of the happiest and scariest moment of my life.

I got my golden ticket to live the dream, be what I want for once, be what I want to become, a vet.

I ignored the weird glances, the taunts, the closed minded verbal response when I told people what I going to study, what my dream was. They can sneer all they like but as long I still have my dream to live for, I was untouchable because I was on cloud nine.

Oh how far have I fallen from that point on, how many tears and sobs escaping heaving chest as I endured the year. My dream was fading, passion was dying and reality tackled onto me like a tonne of bricks. I was crushed beyond belief, devastated, disappointed and angry.

Why did I have to be one whose dream got shattered? Why can't I have a happy journey, haven't I been through enough? I never felt like I deserve better, that I deserved riches or fame, I just wanted to live my dream, be a change in the world.

Was I too naive? Didn't I think it thoroughly? Where did it all go wrong, dream shattering into pieces, all their is left are glistening tear drops on the pieces.

The frustration I caused others, the hurt they endured because of me made it worse. How can you comfort them, ensuring that you'll be fine that leaving this 'dream' was the right choice when all you want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. Let all the tears fall away and tiredness enveloping me into a restless sleep.

I don't have all the answers, I don't have all the guarantees, I'm just as confused and just as hurt.

I want to blame everyone, accuse them of disrupting my illusion. Why did you have to wake me up? I want to scream 'I hate you' from the top of my lungs to the world but in the end, the only one I could scream at was the pathetic being in the mirror, for not being strong enough, not smart enough, not dedicated enough, not wise enough.

Broken

The sound of droplets is not soothing anymore,
The stream of water left flowing out my gaping mouth,
The feeling of complete brokenness,
The utterly shattering of my being.

Flailing without tears escaping,
Soundless sobbing and clutching of my chest,
No one can hear and no one should hear,
They symphony of my broken soul writhing.

How to heal the hidden wounds,
Stopping it from hurting and spreading,
When all I want to do is lie down,
Let the darkness embrace overpower my consciousness.

Music and laughter squeezed through my senses,
But it does nothing anymore,
Try to pour water into a shattered cup,
See how much fluid it holds.

Dread creeps across my being,
But I do nothing to stop its relentless blow,
How much could it hurt,
When I am not even whole anymore.

Looking at my chest rising and lowering,
Is the only reminder that I am still alive,
Bloodshot eyes and quivering lips,
Is this what it feels like to be completely broken?