Validation

"Is it too hard for you?" "Can't cope with it anymore?"

Words like these plunge a spear right through my heart not before piercing my ego.

I want to shout "No! I can do this! I know I can! Let me show you...please believe me." but in the end I just offer a simple "No, it's just that I am not interested in it anymore." Like I would expect anyone to believe that even though its true.

I think that's one of the reason I was reluctant to tell my course-mates that I was pulling out of vet school. I can't face the underlying meaning of their question like they were really concerned about me. Truthfully, I just can't face being a failure. They were right. I wasn't smart enough to persevere through, I know I would have cracked eventually.

Sometimes I want to explain myself to the others but more often than not, I keep my mouth shout because why add salt to a hurting wound? Why do I need validation from others? Why do I need them to believe or tell me that I am smart? Maybe its because that's all I am good for. That's my identity, my sole source of self-worth and pride. Is it unhealthy and wrong? Yeah but I can't help it.

Even though I don't think I am smart but I want people to think that, I want people to tell me so maybe one day I'll believe that I am worth more than what I think of myself now. All the awards and the compliments followed feels nice and warm like someone noticed me, like I for a moment in time, I was put on a pedestal, I was paid attention to. I was no longer Ricky-the good for nothing, Ricky-the original screw up or Ricky-the low self esteem weirdo, I was Ricky- the person who won something, Ricky- the person worth giving a compliment to.

Sure at first I did it to please my parents. They were so happy when I started doing well that I tried to live up to their expectation, just for them to smile at me more, to add a reason for them to love me more. But now I feel like its not about them anymore, it's mutated into an ugly ego-feeding monster that feeds on the recognition and validations of others.

When I noticed that I got the vice-chancellor academic excellence recognition award, I was so happy. I wanted to tell my parents to hear them say "I'm proud of you". But when I did, all I got was "See, why don't you stick to vet?" and "Oh, okay." I was utterly crushed. Why do I need their praise? Why do I need to be so weak to depend my self worth on someone's opinion of myself?

Then I decided to screw this! I don't need people to tell me how much I am worth, I don't people to validate that I am worthy of love, I don't need anyone to feed my ego anymore. I just want to be me again...