Confusion

Would things ever be clear again? I feel so confused and lost right now.

I don't know what to do other than trying to numb myself by pretending everything is not happening. I am doing quite a good job at it until a dream last night tackled me into reality.

I'm a bit fuzzy about the details but I distinctly remember me ending up in tears trying to defend myself against my dad's accusation while we were in KL. He was asking me about what I am going to do with my life in a frustrated tone and I totally broke down. I told him I don't know, I don't know what I am going to do, heck, I don't even know what I am doing right now?

The sad thing is I made all this choices, coming to Canning college, studying veterinary science in Murdoch. For the first time, my parents gave me the chance to choose my future and look where it got me. Sometimes I wish I just studied engineering instead. I can imagine that I'll probably come close to failing a couple of times, hate my internship, threaten to quite multiple times but I think I would have stuck through it... Okay, who am I kidding? I can't even stick through vet science, how can I even study something that I have zero passion about.

But still, I wish what course suite me the best. It's really disorientating growing up knowing what you do then when you got to it, you figure out that's not something you would want to do. I feel like I am having an identity crisis. Who am I exactly?

I see all my friends, all sticking to what they do, even though some still hate it but at least they didn't give up. I wish I had their determination, I wish I could bear doing something I am not passionate about, I wish I was normal.

Now, hear am I, the laughing stock of family and friends, stripped away of my identity, cowering in front of everyone to be criticized and mock at. Without their validation, my academic achievements, I feel empty, hollow. The worst part is I know that's not right because my self worth does not depend on other's opinion of me. But I can't help feeling this way. It's like having the write answers but hesitating to write it down on a test. Why the heck am I doing that? I don't know.