Today went on fine, a couple of introductory classes on how to access the university portal and what we should be expecting in our course, the general stuffs.
However, after my first group seminar my father called and everything went downhill from there. He kept asking me if I made friends and that frustrated me to no end. Yeah, call me a douche for being angry at my dad for caring about me. I just hate it how his voice is laced with pity and concern like he was scared that I would be all alone in the big bad university. His concern is not unfounded but it kinds of annoys me like the way how it annoys people when other people pick on your faults unknowingly. After that wonderful conversation that reminded me what a timid person I am, I returned back to my room to have an early dinner that I bought from the cafeteria because I was lazy to walk back there just to get food at night. Watch a couple of youtube videos and basically just relaxed a bit.
Then it happened. I flipped through the case studies as required for tomorrow's lecture on it. It had a lot of words which I have no clue of and names of medication I have never heard of. I know that we won't need to memorise everything or understand everything because we are just beginners. However, that irked me to no end and the frustration builds.
My mom called again and voiced the same concerns as my dad, asking me whether I manage to make any new friends or that I was alone. The level of frustration surged up dramatically and I did my best to be cordial without sounding like I was about to scream like a banshee.
So I thought screw the case, let's look up the lectures that I am going to have tomorrow since it was expected of us. I think that was when the straw broke the camel's back as I had no idea where to start and what I should do for preparation. I have no textbook as they told us it was not required but recommended (what the heck was the suppose to mean?) and was reluctant to listen to previous recording of the lecture because than I might not pay attention tomorrow. I freaked the heck out and my chest felt heavy and all I wanted to do was run out of this situation (i.e quit). I keep asking myself what the heck have I gotten myself into and how have others not stop me enough.
I'm freaking study medicine now, me, Ricky, the heck just happened? Would I be able to cope? All the doubts came crashing in yet again (I know, I hate my whining as well, join the club)and that's when I felt like I was on the verge of hyperventilation.
I decided to call up my parents to appease the guilt of the snapping that they received unjustly but it got worse as the they brought up the same point again and I just quit. I said I wanted to sleep early and hung up and here I am, in my bed, chest feeling heavy, laying in bed with the lights off.
What the heck am I doing?
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