Living

What can I say anymore? The truth that hurts or the lies that mask it? It has always been a struggle. Do you really want to know what's going inside of me? Or do you just want the answers that you believe? Would it be enough for you to hear the lie or would you know the absence of truth?

I always believe that passion was the only thing I needed. That being passionate about someone or something was enough to keep me going, moving towards a goal that can't be seen. I thought I could be selfless, living in the world, untainted by selfish desire that resides in this world. Perhaps I was too naive, diving in without thinking of the implications. Too immature to think of the consequences, unrelenting and stubborn in my decision because I honestly thought it was the right one. But that was the only redeeming feature that I could find in myself, my passion. Without it, I am nothing but a mere stringless flawed puppet.

I wonder how it would turn out in a perfect scenario if there ever was one. Would I be happy at the end? Or does perfection doesn't necessitate happiness? Would I have lead a meaningful life, leave a footprint behind no matter the size? Would my voice be infused with the jovial tone that was present when I was just a toddler, a time where nothing couldn't be solved by kisses and ice-cream.

When was the last time I felt like I was truly living? Not just surviving. When was the last time I woke up with joy in my heart and praise in my mouth and not with a resentful heart that wishes time would just stop and leave me alone? When did I last release a bellow of laughter accompanied by tears? I remember the last time I cried though. Is it just that sadness is more memorable than happiness?

Please forgive me of the resentful heart buried underneath. A heart that can't appreciate the blessing that is being poured out. Am I in a fortunate place? I could imagine a better scenario that I could be in? But isn't that what everyone could do?

What does it mean to live for me? I'm still on the journey to discover the answers and now I'm on a rocky terrain.