struggle to juggle

I feel overwhelmed, like I'm a juggler in a never-ending show. I know balancing aspects of life is not unique to me but what am I doing wrong? It can't be this tiring right?

I'm trying to sort out my mental wellbeing, trying to figure out who I am and what I am going to do in the future. It just feels too much sometimes that I don't even bother trying. I can't just separate them, they come in a package deal. I feel like crap and I want to be alone but at the same time, I want to go out of my comfort zone and not feel lonely. There's this battle in my heart and no matter what I always end up losing. I go out even though I feel like being in my room but I don't socialise enough to gain new friends that I can talk to that isn't limited to time before lecture starts. In the end, I'm still alone but somehow more tired, more alone. I'm trying but it feels like it isn't working.

My future, a big question mark, another thorn among the thorn bush encircling my mind. I have no clue what's going to happen. The infinite possibilities used to excite me but now it just slowly chokes me until I get my numbing agent. Worry is useless since it can't solve anything, sounds reasonable but I can't do it. Just adding another reason in a long list of why I'm angry at myself. What am I going to do? At this point, I don't know, internships are already open to apply but I don't know if it has closed yet and my resumé is just a blank page. I came here to figure out my life but it feels like the only thing I've done is remembering how lost I still am.

New place, same old crap

I knew it wasn't going to be that easy, that I would be able to run away from everything, be halfway around the world and hopefully from my problems.

As the novelty of being in a new place fades away, I'm back at the place where I fled, forever a captive. I am not fleeing anymore, just staying stationary, letting it consume me once again because I realised I can never escape, at least not with physical distance. How do you escape from your shadow while fleeing away from darkness.

Sometimes I feel so alone, so disconnected and it wasn't as if I didn't try, try to initiate conversation, try to be more outgoing but trying to swim when you're so tired just being afloat is difficult. In the end, I'm back at the starting line, more alone than I thought possible and too tired to go on.

I'm seeking help again. Week 5, new record I guess. Took me 6 weeks back in real life to crack again, such a fragile little creature. I wore my bleeding heart on my sleeves for them, hoping for a salve, a cure to make it stop hurting, stop torturing my mind as I lay wide awake at night, to make it better before I become desperate enough to stop its beating altogether. They heard my woes, saw my sleeves stained red, gave me comfort but in the end I left again with a trail of blood.

With kindness in her eyes and empathy oozing from her voice, one of them said, ' I think you're the only one that can truly help yourself, no one can provide you an answer to solve all your problems'. With that I left, with my t-shirt stained red and with my mask put on. I always return to numbing agent, better to feel numb than pain. Oh, I know it doesn't help solve the problem, just leaving the wound to fester but I that was all I could do.It's easier to say I'm fine when I'm numb cause that's the truth, I am as fine as I could be. With the numbing agent, I could get up, eat, shower, dress... appear like a functioning person so no one would ask me questions I don't want to answer.

The other ask me to fill in a form, to rate myself on a couple of aspects, to manifest a numerical score of my pains and problems. I understand the rational behind the test, to give a simplistic but essential introductory view into my mental state. But do they know when I rate that I am able to get up to lectures every day, I do this because if I want to appear like a normal being; When I say I am able to hand in my assignments on time, do they know what it is at the cost of deteriorating my already fragile mental state? But I fill it in anyway because I hope she can help me, help me to become a person that doesn't fluctuate between detesting his life and numbness.

Who can I talk to? The friends that know are going through their own turmoil. I feel like we're all in an alcoholic anonymous meeting, every time we talk, it is about our woes, the crap we have to deal with to live a normal life again, the addiction to victimising ourselves. Once the meeting is over, we go back to our own separate lives, no longer in contact until the next meeting. I see pictures of them having fun, eating good food with other friend, but me, as their 'best friend' only get the sad part of their lives, a meeting/rant once a fortnight then its goodbye until the next one. I'm angry at them but more so myself because even though I want them to be happy, I want them to share the happiness with me, not just all the problems but shouldn't I be content that they are happy regardless whether it is with me or other people?

I don't know what to say in those meetings anymore. How many times I can say'I'm sorry for what you're going through' and how many times can I say I'm freaking depressed in another way. I feel helpless when they tell me what they are going through because I can't say anything comforting because I don't believe it myself and they know it as well. All I hope is that they find comfort in knowing my ears is always there for them but lately, I don't feel like that's the case anymore. I don't think it's a case of me wanting to feel like I'm wanted, it just feels like I'm holding a rope that supports you and vice versa but your grip is loosening up and I'm holding on yours even though it looks like you don't need me to hold onto your top anymore. So why bother?

Woe is me, I'm the victim, poor little me. For once, hate is not too strong a word to describe my feelings toward something which in this case is myself.

The naggy one

I really don't understand why I keep trying to correct my dad's behavior. It's not like he actually listens and changes. In the end, I am the one who gets frustrated and become the bad guy, the "naggy" one.

Example scenario from tonight:

After dinner, I saw dad grabbing two apples to peel.

Me: I don't want an apple.

Dad: It's for mom and I.

Me: Mom doesn't like eating apples after dinner. You did this multiple times before and she told you that she doesn't like it.

Dad: If I peeled it then she'll has to eat it. The apples are crunchy and sweet.

Me: It's not about how good the apple taste, she's full after dinner and she doesn't want it.

Dad ignores me and keep on peeling the apple. He gave it to mom after she came downstairs.

Mom: I don't want it. I am full and I just brushed my teeth.

Dad: Eat it, it's crunchy and sweet.

Me: I told dad that you didn't want it.

Mom: Ricky, help me eat half of it.

Me: No.

Then I started to gloat/nag my dad to which he ignores and call me a nag. I started to get frustrated because I told him it would happen but he seldom listens. I vowed to myself more than once that I will not do it again but I still do it every time. The scenario frequently ends with me frustrated and snappy with him ignoring all of what I just said.

Please, I beg of myself, don't do this to yourself anymore. Let him do what he wants.

I can't start writing that freaking personal statement. Everytime I want to start it, there's a barrier and my motivations just withers like leaves in autumn. How can I convince someone else to give me a chance when I can't even convince myself to do so.

I can't do it and I'm willing to do pretty much anything else as long as they are not beneficial to avoid this.

What is my life right now? A whinny and ungrateful young adult who has pulled out of two universities. That's the freaking page that I have been stuck on for 3 months and there seems to be no way out.

I keep doubting myself and wishing that this was all a dream, and all will be well once I wake up from my deep slumber. Great, add delusional to the growing list of what's wrong with me.

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts... I am awesome. I can slay that personal statement. I am a self-aware young man. I have hope. I still have a chance.

Unhappy

I spent too much time worrying about not being happy in the future until I became unhappy in the present.

Numbing agent

For me, distractions are like analgesics, without it the pain floods in. I rather be numb than experience the self-loathing and despondency.

Oh, I know full well that distractions are just temporary relief, they don't remedy my source of pain. Moreover, I have to start facing reality without all these distractions to really start getting my life back together.

However, I got used to feeling numb and I am scared of pain. I am too cowardly to forgo my numbing agent to face my life in hopes of getting better. Watching youtube video mindlessly beats going down memory lane reliving all your failures and disappointments.

I am trying though, well at least I'm trying to try. I really want to get better, to live again and not just be numb. But everyday I wake up saying this is the day but I get lulled into my comfort zone and all is forgotten.

I am still going to try though because I know if I don't then there really is no hope of recovery, no hope of a better life.

Now, I am avoiding FB. It just hurts too much when I scroll down see my friends moving on with their lives, seemingly happy. Pictures of brunches, outings and birthday celebrations just reminds me of what I could have and what I have lost. I am too selfish now to be a good friend, I don't want to contact any of them or see how they are progressing in their life.

Being in this state really screws with my mind. I want to be happy for them, I truly do but I can't do that, at least not genuinely.

I know we all have our own hidden demons/crap in life and they might be in a similar state but I don't know what to do. How I can give comfort when I don't know what to say, when I don't want to talk, when all I want to do is watch video mindlessly and tell the world to leave me the heck alone.

Hope. I want more hope. I want to have faith again. Rediscover when I never though I was lost is hard but I better freaking do it.

2 Corinthians 1:5

For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.

A repeating cycle

Somedays I go to bed determined that tomorrow will be a good day for me, I will make sure of it. Filled with hope, I shut my eyes and dream, dream of a better tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I will be out of my slump, maybe tomorrow it will be a whole new chapter, maybe tomorrow I will paint on a new canvass, retiring the old one filled with tears.

Then I wake up, rubbing my eyes and looking at the surroundings. Same old, same old but it's a new beginning for me. I won't let life screw me over, I will fight today, beat the drum of war because I am tired of being the victim. However, as the day goes on, my conviction wanes because indeed everything is still the same.

Just because I decided to have a new beginning doesn't mean that all the suffocating baggage is gone, the issues are still there, the source of pain is still firmly lodged in my heart. I try to maintain the hope that I had gain but to no avail. By afternoon, I have become despondent and give up once again. The cycle of hate continues to swirl and manifest in my heart as the last sliver of hope disintegrates into nothingness. Once again numbness overcomes as I navigate through life, smiling when needed, spoke when asked and cry when alone.

After a few days, the surge of hope comes and the story repeats itself. In the end, I don't trust that feeling of hope anymore because only devastation and disappointments follow. Every day is not a new day just because you want it to be, standing up is not easy just because you wish it every night and persistence wanes when light fades yet again like thunder on a dark sky, a flash of hope followed by consuming darkness.

The solution seems so simple to everyone around me. Get crap together and do something, fight for yourself, stand up when you fall down, don't think negative thoughts and you'll be right as rain.

Oh how I wish you could be in my shoes, experience for a while how I feel. It's like people handing me the same manual over and over again asking me to follow it to finish the task. I followed it but the problem is still there and people keep giving me the same manual and telling me that it should work. Do you know how frustrating it is to hear the same thing repeatedly even though it is laced with good intentions? How much it hurts when I am reminded on my screwed up life since they insist the manual works but it isn't so I must be the problem as if I don't know that already.

Slumber is the only escape and thankfully for me it still comes fairly easy but I don't know how long it'll last.

Poison

Dwelling in the past is like poison to me, it turns my emotion toxic and brews a cocktail of negative crap within me.

With constant reminders of what I could have and what I had given up flashing in front of me, the path of poison is hard to evade or resist.

I had done what I thought was right, did what I could but why do I have so many regrets? I tried so freaking hard and every time my heart ends up cracked and I need to mend it back together again but it never will heal completely.

How can a person feel like crying but numb at the same time like a tap without an opening?

Wonder

Between dealing with an existential crisis and insensitive remarks, I feel like I truly have nothing left to give anymore.

I hope that after our discussion you would understand the depth of my pain, despondency and grief. The pain inflicted by successive waves of failure; the utter hopelessness I feel; the grief of what could have been and what I have become. All I ask is for you to listen.

Sometimes I wonder if you still remember what I have told you. The first few days of kisses and concerns had faded away as expected and all returned to the way it was. What do you think of me while you watch me typing on my laptop with a neutral expression on my face? Do you think that I'm okay or would I need to display the remnant of my cracked heart for you to know just how "okay" I was?

You said not to be pessimistic, not to overthink and not to dwell in the past. Would I even been in this situation if I could do any of these with a snap of my fingers? With my heart poured out, I wonder do you truly listen to my plea because if you did then you would know I tried and I'm fatigued.

How simple do you think the mind is? Is it a switch button? Does it function with an erasable script? Though the same could be applied to you. Watching you playing Candy C on your tablet and chomping away on snacks, maybe you are hiding your frustration and sadness that your failure of a son has caused you.

Drowning out all the negative thoughts in my mind is getting harder everyday. Sometimes I don't even recognise who I have become and I don't know where to go on from there.

All I can do is hope but how can you hope when there is no faith?

Advice

Hearing sobs over the phone and the hiccups in between, I race to find any comforting words that would ease the pain.

I don't know what I can say or do to make it all better. Can I even make it all better for you?

Your confusion, desolation and desperation relays back to me and I struggle to find any comforting words because I know there is only so much that I can do.

Put myself in your shoes and all I would want is wail and hate the world, no words could offer me comfort, at least no at that state.

Are you the same?

I hope I said what you wanted to hear but most of all, I wished I had been the ear you needed.

Change

Be the change you want to be

Learn to dance in the rain

I need to change because I'm sick of being my sad pathetic self. I need to sort my crap out. I want to live again.

Faith, hope and love. The greatest of them is love.

Your show

Just because I can laugh and give you encouragement when we talk about your woes doesn't mean that I'm fine.

If you could have just listen or read between the lines you would have known. Heck, I even told you outright once but in the end it's still your show and I'm just a loyal audience.

Did you ever consider how your words/actions might affect me? Despite being the sensitive one, are you even receptive to other people's emotion?

I can't always be the one to hear your rant and nothing else. I'm not selfless or strong enough to just give and never receive. I'm not strong enough to deal with your crap on top of mine.

Sometimes I wonder would you only notice if I hold a neon sign in front of you...

Self-absorbed

I feel like such a jerk today.

I am happy that he got a job, something that he wanted, something that we all wanted BUT why is there still a part of me that feels sad about it.

Is it because now I'm the only one left who feels hopeless? Is it because I'm so absorbed in hating my own crappy life that I no longer have the capacity to feel truly happy for someone else?

He was vulnerable and so was I. We connected. Now he's back to a place where he should be and I still sitting here suffocating in doom and gloom.

I checked the requirements today and I feel so despondent. Who on earth in their right mind who choose me over so many people? Time is wasting away and I'm still too hold up in my pity party to do something substantial.

It has been the only thing that I am remotely good at. If you take it away, what do I have left?

"Look for the long haul and not just concentrate on the pain you're feeling now". Problem is, I don't have faith that it'll get better.

Victim

It's raining outside and the sound comforting.

Safely cocooned in my bed with thoughts I can no longer ignore.

It still hurts and the fear paralyzing. All I can do is escape so I won't have to deal with the thoughts. But it's not working anymore. I feel so much yet I am numb, a frustrating paradox.

Screw-up
Unlovable
Burden

I wonder when will it all end. when will I finish playing the role of the victim with the weapon on my hands and start my life again.

Dry

My tears ran dry,
I can't cry.
Only survive,
Failing to thrive.

Failure

I can't believe once again I'm back to this dark place. The crossroad of choices littered with shards of regret and dread. I never thought I would be back here again, heart bleeding and head throbbing but isn't life hilarious.

Let's add another failure into my list, I seem to be collecting them quite often nowadays, wonder if I can get a bingo soon.

"Hey, I got bingo. 5 failure here. What prizes can I get? No, I already have low self-esteem and self-doubt. Can I get despondency now? I'll save apathy for the next bingo."

I didn't think my heart could shatter more but apparently I was wrong.

This made me wonder though, maybe I am the problem. Maybe I really am that screwed up.

There's only so many times that I can tell myself that 'it's going to be fine' before I stop believing in it as my heart is still cracking.

People dust themselves and stand up when they fall. Me? I weep and escape into my own world to distract from the pain. Anything, anything to block out the flooding thoughts of 'you're so useless', 'created to fail', 'you are just a burden' and most importantly 'life has no hope' which has become the revolving theme of my life.

Rationally I understand what I should do but I can't act it out. Do you think I like mulling over how sucky my situation is instead of using this time to better myself? Do you think I don't want to get better and stop thinking that my life is worthless? The most frustrating part is I want to help myself but all I can do is be numb or suffer the pain.

My friends are moving on with their lives and me, I'm not even stationary, I'm walking backwards. It hurts not walking with them.

Phrases like 'everything is going to be fine', 'just pray' and 'don't be sad' are thrown at me in effort to cheer me up but they are as ineffective as oil for a fire extinguisher.

HOW DO YOU KNOW EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE? CAN YOU GIVE ME A GUARANTEE? CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT I WON'T FEEL THE NEED TO CHANT IN MY HEAD REGARDING REASONS NOT TO OFF MYSELF EVER AGAIN? CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT HOPE WILL COME AND I WILL RETURN TO ANY RESEMBLANCE OF FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING?

I just don't want to hurt anymore. It hurts over and over again and I don't know how long I can take it.

My faith is shaken, my hope has left and love forgotten.