Wonder

Between dealing with an existential crisis and insensitive remarks, I feel like I truly have nothing left to give anymore.

I hope that after our discussion you would understand the depth of my pain, despondency and grief. The pain inflicted by successive waves of failure; the utter hopelessness I feel; the grief of what could have been and what I have become. All I ask is for you to listen.

Sometimes I wonder if you still remember what I have told you. The first few days of kisses and concerns had faded away as expected and all returned to the way it was. What do you think of me while you watch me typing on my laptop with a neutral expression on my face? Do you think that I'm okay or would I need to display the remnant of my cracked heart for you to know just how "okay" I was?

You said not to be pessimistic, not to overthink and not to dwell in the past. Would I even been in this situation if I could do any of these with a snap of my fingers? With my heart poured out, I wonder do you truly listen to my plea because if you did then you would know I tried and I'm fatigued.

How simple do you think the mind is? Is it a switch button? Does it function with an erasable script? Though the same could be applied to you. Watching you playing Candy C on your tablet and chomping away on snacks, maybe you are hiding your frustration and sadness that your failure of a son has caused you.

Drowning out all the negative thoughts in my mind is getting harder everyday. Sometimes I don't even recognise who I have become and I don't know where to go on from there.

All I can do is hope but how can you hope when there is no faith?