Numbing agent

For me, distractions are like analgesics, without it the pain floods in. I rather be numb than experience the self-loathing and despondency.

Oh, I know full well that distractions are just temporary relief, they don't remedy my source of pain. Moreover, I have to start facing reality without all these distractions to really start getting my life back together.

However, I got used to feeling numb and I am scared of pain. I am too cowardly to forgo my numbing agent to face my life in hopes of getting better. Watching youtube video mindlessly beats going down memory lane reliving all your failures and disappointments.

I am trying though, well at least I'm trying to try. I really want to get better, to live again and not just be numb. But everyday I wake up saying this is the day but I get lulled into my comfort zone and all is forgotten.

I am still going to try though because I know if I don't then there really is no hope of recovery, no hope of a better life.

Now, I am avoiding FB. It just hurts too much when I scroll down see my friends moving on with their lives, seemingly happy. Pictures of brunches, outings and birthday celebrations just reminds me of what I could have and what I have lost. I am too selfish now to be a good friend, I don't want to contact any of them or see how they are progressing in their life.

Being in this state really screws with my mind. I want to be happy for them, I truly do but I can't do that, at least not genuinely.

I know we all have our own hidden demons/crap in life and they might be in a similar state but I don't know what to do. How I can give comfort when I don't know what to say, when I don't want to talk, when all I want to do is watch video mindlessly and tell the world to leave me the heck alone.

Hope. I want more hope. I want to have faith again. Rediscover when I never though I was lost is hard but I better freaking do it.

2 Corinthians 1:5

For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.