A repeating cycle

Somedays I go to bed determined that tomorrow will be a good day for me, I will make sure of it. Filled with hope, I shut my eyes and dream, dream of a better tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I will be out of my slump, maybe tomorrow it will be a whole new chapter, maybe tomorrow I will paint on a new canvass, retiring the old one filled with tears.

Then I wake up, rubbing my eyes and looking at the surroundings. Same old, same old but it's a new beginning for me. I won't let life screw me over, I will fight today, beat the drum of war because I am tired of being the victim. However, as the day goes on, my conviction wanes because indeed everything is still the same.

Just because I decided to have a new beginning doesn't mean that all the suffocating baggage is gone, the issues are still there, the source of pain is still firmly lodged in my heart. I try to maintain the hope that I had gain but to no avail. By afternoon, I have become despondent and give up once again. The cycle of hate continues to swirl and manifest in my heart as the last sliver of hope disintegrates into nothingness. Once again numbness overcomes as I navigate through life, smiling when needed, spoke when asked and cry when alone.

After a few days, the surge of hope comes and the story repeats itself. In the end, I don't trust that feeling of hope anymore because only devastation and disappointments follow. Every day is not a new day just because you want it to be, standing up is not easy just because you wish it every night and persistence wanes when light fades yet again like thunder on a dark sky, a flash of hope followed by consuming darkness.

The solution seems so simple to everyone around me. Get crap together and do something, fight for yourself, stand up when you fall down, don't think negative thoughts and you'll be right as rain.

Oh how I wish you could be in my shoes, experience for a while how I feel. It's like people handing me the same manual over and over again asking me to follow it to finish the task. I followed it but the problem is still there and people keep giving me the same manual and telling me that it should work. Do you know how frustrating it is to hear the same thing repeatedly even though it is laced with good intentions? How much it hurts when I am reminded on my screwed up life since they insist the manual works but it isn't so I must be the problem as if I don't know that already.

Slumber is the only escape and thankfully for me it still comes fairly easy but I don't know how long it'll last.