Failure

I can't believe once again I'm back to this dark place. The crossroad of choices littered with shards of regret and dread. I never thought I would be back here again, heart bleeding and head throbbing but isn't life hilarious.

Let's add another failure into my list, I seem to be collecting them quite often nowadays, wonder if I can get a bingo soon.

"Hey, I got bingo. 5 failure here. What prizes can I get? No, I already have low self-esteem and self-doubt. Can I get despondency now? I'll save apathy for the next bingo."

I didn't think my heart could shatter more but apparently I was wrong.

This made me wonder though, maybe I am the problem. Maybe I really am that screwed up.

There's only so many times that I can tell myself that 'it's going to be fine' before I stop believing in it as my heart is still cracking.

People dust themselves and stand up when they fall. Me? I weep and escape into my own world to distract from the pain. Anything, anything to block out the flooding thoughts of 'you're so useless', 'created to fail', 'you are just a burden' and most importantly 'life has no hope' which has become the revolving theme of my life.

Rationally I understand what I should do but I can't act it out. Do you think I like mulling over how sucky my situation is instead of using this time to better myself? Do you think I don't want to get better and stop thinking that my life is worthless? The most frustrating part is I want to help myself but all I can do is be numb or suffer the pain.

My friends are moving on with their lives and me, I'm not even stationary, I'm walking backwards. It hurts not walking with them.

Phrases like 'everything is going to be fine', 'just pray' and 'don't be sad' are thrown at me in effort to cheer me up but they are as ineffective as oil for a fire extinguisher.

HOW DO YOU KNOW EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE? CAN YOU GIVE ME A GUARANTEE? CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT I WON'T FEEL THE NEED TO CHANT IN MY HEAD REGARDING REASONS NOT TO OFF MYSELF EVER AGAIN? CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT HOPE WILL COME AND I WILL RETURN TO ANY RESEMBLANCE OF FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING?

I just don't want to hurt anymore. It hurts over and over again and I don't know how long I can take it.

My faith is shaken, my hope has left and love forgotten.