It's been a while

This page almost looks foreign, like a land that I was responsible for but instead I let it run wild or in this case, left it barren.

That didn't mean I stopped writing my feelings down because that is still the only way I know how to best express my emotions...lately it has been a freaking heck of a roller coaster ride.

I bought a new journal but after a few logs, I left it yet again because why write it when I can escape it... Escape from everything that surrounds me...I've grown dangerously capable of escaping from reality and that just serves the propel myself down further into this spiral. I just can't stop. Worst it, I don't even bother to try.

I often wonder, why did God choose someone else better to take my place. Someone more capable and better. Better for the world and the people surrounding him/her. But that is just useless right since I'm already here? I am so screwed that I don't know where to begin repairing. So in the end, I just sit there, walking through life like a lost survivor on sea holding onto a plank. Going in the motion of the waves, with no fight inside me and no hope in my sight. I don't think I'm even a survivor. I'm just hanging on because I have to right?

You could have created someone better but instead you got me. Why?

I don't know what to do besides holding on because that's what I should do....but what I want to do? I don't even know. That's the scariest part.

I'm not close to blowing off the fire of the burning wick that is my life but I am questioning for what purpose am I burning for and why me.

Regrets after regrets, living in the past. When am I going to be strong enough to let it stop?