Gosh! The first week of university went by in a snap of my fingers. I got to know my new friends better and made new friends in the progress and it was awesome!
The lectures were more than a bit daunting but hopefully I'll get through it. I'm just focusing on not taking myself too seriously and try to interact more with others because that's what you are suppose to do in university right? Meeting people from all walks of life and making new memories with them.
I was quite afraid of going to the orientation but thank goodness that I did go in the end because it was so much fun! I met new people and though I can't say that we are friends yet but it was exciting to put a name to a face that you see in the lecture hall. It was comforting that one of my new friends were in my group so I was more courageous to be myself and have fun. My group were awesome and we worked as a team! Go group 4, the Juggernauts! Haha.
The BBQ dinner was nice and we get to interact and know more about each other rather than asking what the lectures were about. I want to say we ate and laughed under the stars but the gloomy clouds hid the stars and freaking mosquitoes were everywhere. -.- So we ate inside and then went to hang out in the recreation room where we watched the seniors playing pool and talked some more.
The ball tonight was awesome as well. The food was good and I got to sit with my friends and talk some more. There were performances and most of them hit it right off the ball park! I thoroughly enjoyed myself and being a lucky one, I got chosen (a strip of paper under my chair) to play a game known as "Sucking cotton balls". Hahahahhaha. I lost of course but I had fun sucking up cotton balls using a short straw and dumping it into an empty container some distance away. After the event ended, the dancing began. It was a bit awkward at first and I was contemplating on whether to join or not. My friends and I did at the end and we danced with style, a bit awkward but still. Haha. One of my friends danced like an energizer bunny, he kept moving around, bouncing and jumping, it was a funny sight to see. After almost an hour of dancing, we went back, some of us drenched with sweat.
It was really fun but now it's back to reality. Study! -.-
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Third day: 2 is the number for the day
Today I woke up after being a food platter for mosquitoes and had this head space of screw this, I am not going to let this take away my happiness in life. God is with me and I can do this so I'm just going to go to uni, have some fun, learn something new and come back home and sleep. No over thinking and worrying like a mad man.
I had 2 cases studies and 2 lectures and it was the most overwhelming day I had since uni started but I kept cool. I listened and even though I felt a bit tired it was okay. I still find the guidelines of what is expected of us confusing but no worries, I'll figure that out somehow.
I have remind myself that I chose this to help people and not to throw myself over the ledge. I don't need to be the best in class, average is fine, as long as I pass and get to be a profession where I could help people medically.
I know I am much more optimistic than I was yesterday but I can't guarantee it will stay like that.
Live and not just survive.
I had 2 cases studies and 2 lectures and it was the most overwhelming day I had since uni started but I kept cool. I listened and even though I felt a bit tired it was okay. I still find the guidelines of what is expected of us confusing but no worries, I'll figure that out somehow.
I have remind myself that I chose this to help people and not to throw myself over the ledge. I don't need to be the best in class, average is fine, as long as I pass and get to be a profession where I could help people medically.
I know I am much more optimistic than I was yesterday but I can't guarantee it will stay like that.
Live and not just survive.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Second day: On the verge of hyperventilation
Today went on fine, a couple of introductory classes on how to access the university portal and what we should be expecting in our course, the general stuffs.
However, after my first group seminar my father called and everything went downhill from there. He kept asking me if I made friends and that frustrated me to no end. Yeah, call me a douche for being angry at my dad for caring about me. I just hate it how his voice is laced with pity and concern like he was scared that I would be all alone in the big bad university. His concern is not unfounded but it kinds of annoys me like the way how it annoys people when other people pick on your faults unknowingly. After that wonderful conversation that reminded me what a timid person I am, I returned back to my room to have an early dinner that I bought from the cafeteria because I was lazy to walk back there just to get food at night. Watch a couple of youtube videos and basically just relaxed a bit.
Then it happened. I flipped through the case studies as required for tomorrow's lecture on it. It had a lot of words which I have no clue of and names of medication I have never heard of. I know that we won't need to memorise everything or understand everything because we are just beginners. However, that irked me to no end and the frustration builds.
My mom called again and voiced the same concerns as my dad, asking me whether I manage to make any new friends or that I was alone. The level of frustration surged up dramatically and I did my best to be cordial without sounding like I was about to scream like a banshee.
So I thought screw the case, let's look up the lectures that I am going to have tomorrow since it was expected of us. I think that was when the straw broke the camel's back as I had no idea where to start and what I should do for preparation. I have no textbook as they told us it was not required but recommended (what the heck was the suppose to mean?) and was reluctant to listen to previous recording of the lecture because than I might not pay attention tomorrow. I freaked the heck out and my chest felt heavy and all I wanted to do was run out of this situation (i.e quit). I keep asking myself what the heck have I gotten myself into and how have others not stop me enough.
I'm freaking study medicine now, me, Ricky, the heck just happened? Would I be able to cope? All the doubts came crashing in yet again (I know, I hate my whining as well, join the club)and that's when I felt like I was on the verge of hyperventilation.
I decided to call up my parents to appease the guilt of the snapping that they received unjustly but it got worse as the they brought up the same point again and I just quit. I said I wanted to sleep early and hung up and here I am, in my bed, chest feeling heavy, laying in bed with the lights off.
What the heck am I doing?
However, after my first group seminar my father called and everything went downhill from there. He kept asking me if I made friends and that frustrated me to no end. Yeah, call me a douche for being angry at my dad for caring about me. I just hate it how his voice is laced with pity and concern like he was scared that I would be all alone in the big bad university. His concern is not unfounded but it kinds of annoys me like the way how it annoys people when other people pick on your faults unknowingly. After that wonderful conversation that reminded me what a timid person I am, I returned back to my room to have an early dinner that I bought from the cafeteria because I was lazy to walk back there just to get food at night. Watch a couple of youtube videos and basically just relaxed a bit.
Then it happened. I flipped through the case studies as required for tomorrow's lecture on it. It had a lot of words which I have no clue of and names of medication I have never heard of. I know that we won't need to memorise everything or understand everything because we are just beginners. However, that irked me to no end and the frustration builds.
My mom called again and voiced the same concerns as my dad, asking me whether I manage to make any new friends or that I was alone. The level of frustration surged up dramatically and I did my best to be cordial without sounding like I was about to scream like a banshee.
So I thought screw the case, let's look up the lectures that I am going to have tomorrow since it was expected of us. I think that was when the straw broke the camel's back as I had no idea where to start and what I should do for preparation. I have no textbook as they told us it was not required but recommended (what the heck was the suppose to mean?) and was reluctant to listen to previous recording of the lecture because than I might not pay attention tomorrow. I freaked the heck out and my chest felt heavy and all I wanted to do was run out of this situation (i.e quit). I keep asking myself what the heck have I gotten myself into and how have others not stop me enough.
I'm freaking study medicine now, me, Ricky, the heck just happened? Would I be able to cope? All the doubts came crashing in yet again (I know, I hate my whining as well, join the club)and that's when I felt like I was on the verge of hyperventilation.
I decided to call up my parents to appease the guilt of the snapping that they received unjustly but it got worse as the they brought up the same point again and I just quit. I said I wanted to sleep early and hung up and here I am, in my bed, chest feeling heavy, laying in bed with the lights off.
What the heck am I doing?
Monday, September 23, 2013
First day of uni
Today is the first day of university and I felt a bit numb. I wasn't overly excited nor was I jumping for joy. It felt like something that I just had to do, it felt like a responsibility that I had to take rather than an adventure.
I've met a couple of nice people during our registration and maybe they could be counted as my new mates, we'll see. We just filled in a couple of forms, got our lab coat, locker key, access cards and student ID. After that there was a brief introduction to university life where they did a survey about all kinds of stuff like how many were male and how many were female. It was okay I guess, the speaker was quite funny so that's a good sign.
Then we went to lunch and I've met a couple of the people from BMS. There's only 12 of them and I kind of envy them because being such a small group, it is easier to interact and stay close knitted. They were really nice and fun to talked to especially since we had about 2 hours of break before the English proficiency test.
Uh, the English proficiency test was brutal. We had 40 minutes to write about whether or not we agree that the increasing quality of sanitation and health care was the reason for the increasing life expectancy. I have written for a long time so I was rusty and I did my best so there's nothing more I could do.
After that, we had nothing else on the agenda so we went back to our rooms. I suddenly felt homesick when I opened my wardrobe as I saw the neatly folded clothes and the tin of biscuit that my parents bought me in case I felt hungry. Tears flowed as I remembered the how fortunate I was back home where all my needs has been taken care off and the urge to go back home was really strong.
I have to ask myself, was this worth it? Was this worth everything that I've given up for? I still have no answer to that question. I guilty admit that during the day, I've thought about switching to dentistry purely for the reasons that I would get better pay and a more reasonable work hours.
The coursework is going to be brutal for medicine and I hope I can actually deal with it... Maybe I overestimated myself, fooling myself to think that I could do this...
I've met a couple of nice people during our registration and maybe they could be counted as my new mates, we'll see. We just filled in a couple of forms, got our lab coat, locker key, access cards and student ID. After that there was a brief introduction to university life where they did a survey about all kinds of stuff like how many were male and how many were female. It was okay I guess, the speaker was quite funny so that's a good sign.
Then we went to lunch and I've met a couple of the people from BMS. There's only 12 of them and I kind of envy them because being such a small group, it is easier to interact and stay close knitted. They were really nice and fun to talked to especially since we had about 2 hours of break before the English proficiency test.
Uh, the English proficiency test was brutal. We had 40 minutes to write about whether or not we agree that the increasing quality of sanitation and health care was the reason for the increasing life expectancy. I have written for a long time so I was rusty and I did my best so there's nothing more I could do.
After that, we had nothing else on the agenda so we went back to our rooms. I suddenly felt homesick when I opened my wardrobe as I saw the neatly folded clothes and the tin of biscuit that my parents bought me in case I felt hungry. Tears flowed as I remembered the how fortunate I was back home where all my needs has been taken care off and the urge to go back home was really strong.
I have to ask myself, was this worth it? Was this worth everything that I've given up for? I still have no answer to that question. I guilty admit that during the day, I've thought about switching to dentistry purely for the reasons that I would get better pay and a more reasonable work hours.
The coursework is going to be brutal for medicine and I hope I can actually deal with it... Maybe I overestimated myself, fooling myself to think that I could do this...
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Awkward turtle
It's only been the first few hours but I'm already quite nervous. I would say I am bit socially awkward especially at first because I can't gather up the courage to start up a conversation with strangers nor do I have the magnetic pull to draw a person in like my brother seems to have.
Arrghhh! I feel so useless because now I'm stuck in my room eating puffs as dinner because I'm scared that I'll have to eat dinner alone down in the cafeteria which would be really awkward. I think I have an avid phobia of awkward situations as this actually causes adverse effects on my daily life. I'm freaking missing dinner for this, DINNER!
My parents is going to call later and I'll probably have to lie and tell them that I've eaten dinner with some of my new friends. I know you're probably going to wag your finger and think exasperatedly 'Why don't you just down and eat, maybe you'll actually meet some new friends?' Don't you think I know that? The potential awkward situations that may arise from that prevents me from doing so, stupid phobia, stupid me.
I was lucky in Canning college that the group I was thrust into was introduced by my brother and they accepted me with open arms. Here, I'm sitting inside my room, freaking out just a little bit while 3 other people are outside fixing some stuff, drilling holes in my housemate's room.
Why am I such a wuss? :/ My tummy is angry at me too...
Arrghhh! I feel so useless because now I'm stuck in my room eating puffs as dinner because I'm scared that I'll have to eat dinner alone down in the cafeteria which would be really awkward. I think I have an avid phobia of awkward situations as this actually causes adverse effects on my daily life. I'm freaking missing dinner for this, DINNER!
My parents is going to call later and I'll probably have to lie and tell them that I've eaten dinner with some of my new friends. I know you're probably going to wag your finger and think exasperatedly 'Why don't you just down and eat, maybe you'll actually meet some new friends?' Don't you think I know that? The potential awkward situations that may arise from that prevents me from doing so, stupid phobia, stupid me.
I was lucky in Canning college that the group I was thrust into was introduced by my brother and they accepted me with open arms. Here, I'm sitting inside my room, freaking out just a little bit while 3 other people are outside fixing some stuff, drilling holes in my housemate's room.
Why am I such a wuss? :/ My tummy is angry at me too...
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Life in Johor pre-uni
4 months of break flew by so fast and now I'm in my room, hearing the swirling sound of a fan and hoping my internet will not get disconnected like it did 5 minutes ago.
I wanted to blog before I went but I did not feel like it because waves of nostalgia and insecurities about how I am going to survive medical school is very emotionally taxing.
I still can't believe I'm here, going to med school. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but to a kid who got last place in primary school, I still can't grasp that I am indeed enrolled in a mildly prestigious med school. Why have you gotten yourselves into Ricky?
My parents and I went to visit a few shopping malls before they left and I can say without a doubt if they weren't here, I would not have half of the necessities that I didn't think that I needed. They have helped me immensely in setting up my room so it looks more like a room than a prison cell. Thanks mom and dad!
We went out to eat quite frequently and I think I've gained some weight (again *sigh*) so I better hit the gym soon because they will be a health check around the corner and to be honest, I am quite scared about that. Please Ricky, you got to at least exercise a bit everyday so you can actually fit into clothes that doesn't make you look like a walrus. -.-
I am quite nervous about meeting new people because it's out of my comfort zone and thinking about having to establish new relationships with my fellow classmates seems a bit daunting but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a least bit excited.
I missed my old friends a lot and sometimes I wonder how fun it could be if they were all here beside me and going through this together like we did in secondary school or canning college. I haven't been contacting them a lot recently because I just can't find the words to make the conversation less awkward. I really need to work on my social skills and need to have more courage because if I continue like this, I may lose someone I consider important in my life.
There is suppose to be a meet and greet tonight with the other first-years and I'm still wondering whether I should go or not. The time for that isn't that clear thought I now know where the venue is located within the building. I feel like taking a long nap until tomorrow morning and shut everyone out because to dwell on the start of a stressful uni life yet again.
Was this the right choice? Gosh I hope so. God, please use me as you see fit and drill it into my thick and stubborn brain that all I do is for you and not myself. I'm sorry I've not been close with you these few months and there is no excuse for that. I hope that this new beginning is what you think I need and not what I think I need.
I wanted to blog before I went but I did not feel like it because waves of nostalgia and insecurities about how I am going to survive medical school is very emotionally taxing.
I still can't believe I'm here, going to med school. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but to a kid who got last place in primary school, I still can't grasp that I am indeed enrolled in a mildly prestigious med school. Why have you gotten yourselves into Ricky?
My parents and I went to visit a few shopping malls before they left and I can say without a doubt if they weren't here, I would not have half of the necessities that I didn't think that I needed. They have helped me immensely in setting up my room so it looks more like a room than a prison cell. Thanks mom and dad!
We went out to eat quite frequently and I think I've gained some weight (again *sigh*) so I better hit the gym soon because they will be a health check around the corner and to be honest, I am quite scared about that. Please Ricky, you got to at least exercise a bit everyday so you can actually fit into clothes that doesn't make you look like a walrus. -.-
I am quite nervous about meeting new people because it's out of my comfort zone and thinking about having to establish new relationships with my fellow classmates seems a bit daunting but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a least bit excited.
I missed my old friends a lot and sometimes I wonder how fun it could be if they were all here beside me and going through this together like we did in secondary school or canning college. I haven't been contacting them a lot recently because I just can't find the words to make the conversation less awkward. I really need to work on my social skills and need to have more courage because if I continue like this, I may lose someone I consider important in my life.
There is suppose to be a meet and greet tonight with the other first-years and I'm still wondering whether I should go or not. The time for that isn't that clear thought I now know where the venue is located within the building. I feel like taking a long nap until tomorrow morning and shut everyone out because to dwell on the start of a stressful uni life yet again.
Was this the right choice? Gosh I hope so. God, please use me as you see fit and drill it into my thick and stubborn brain that all I do is for you and not myself. I'm sorry I've not been close with you these few months and there is no excuse for that. I hope that this new beginning is what you think I need and not what I think I need.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Trying
Today, late at night, I happen to stumble upon a website that figuratively shoves facts of why not to be a doctor into your face and their opinions are backed up by the statistics provided by MMC (Malaysia's Medical Council)
I've known that there is an overpopulation of doctors but I did not know that this issue was serious to an extent that my future, if I am able to successfully graduate, will hold so many uncertainties such as uncertain job security.
The main reason I left everything behind to pursue this is because I wanted to help people. I wanted to change the world, make it a better place, even if it was for just a person. I am in no way insinuating that other professions can't help people, I am just pointing out that for me, studying medicine seems to be the best way, at least that's how I see it.
I wish I could be selfless and say that money doesn't matter or that as long as I had my passion I will be fine. A lot of doubts are swimming in my mind and I am really frustrated. What if my passion isn't enough? What if I'm not enough? Just because a person got into med school does not mean that person is suited to become a doctor.
I am really trying to stay positive, to stay strong and be courageous. I really am...
I've known that there is an overpopulation of doctors but I did not know that this issue was serious to an extent that my future, if I am able to successfully graduate, will hold so many uncertainties such as uncertain job security.
The main reason I left everything behind to pursue this is because I wanted to help people. I wanted to change the world, make it a better place, even if it was for just a person. I am in no way insinuating that other professions can't help people, I am just pointing out that for me, studying medicine seems to be the best way, at least that's how I see it.
I wish I could be selfless and say that money doesn't matter or that as long as I had my passion I will be fine. A lot of doubts are swimming in my mind and I am really frustrated. What if my passion isn't enough? What if I'm not enough? Just because a person got into med school does not mean that person is suited to become a doctor.
I am really trying to stay positive, to stay strong and be courageous. I really am...
Friday, September 6, 2013
What I want isn't what I should want.
What I should want isn't what I want.
Complications, confusions and frustrations. That's what I am dealing with.
Shoulder back and head high, I wish I could walk like that.
A thousand sorry amounts to nothing as faults are continued.
A tear filled face is but an act without a contrite heart.
Yet, I continue as I am.
What I should want isn't what I want.
Complications, confusions and frustrations. That's what I am dealing with.
Shoulder back and head high, I wish I could walk like that.
A thousand sorry amounts to nothing as faults are continued.
A tear filled face is but an act without a contrite heart.
Yet, I continue as I am.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Bite off more than I can chew
I recalled the agent pointing out that I was a bit late for my application since she had two students and both of had their interviews already. I was intrigued about who they were and wondered we could maybe meet up so I would at least know someone before I got there. That's why I asked my dad a few days ago if he knew the other students since he was in contact with my education agent.
My dad called the agent today, unbeknownst to me and told me that none of the other students under the education agent were accepted besides me while I laid there watching tv mindlessly. The first reaction I had was 'What the crap?' because I honestly did not think it would be that competitive. After that came the dreadful feeling of inadequacy, in complete contrast to the feeling I got when I was accepted into vet school.
I was saying 'crap' multiple times to myself while wondering if I bit off more than I can chew. It's freaking medical school and I'm just me. The 'What the heck were you thinking' came into mind yet again and my self-confidence plummeted albeit it wasn't that high to start with. I felt like I fooled someone into believing that I could do it but inside I was rocking in a fetal position. What if I took the place of someone more deserving than me like what I did in vet school...
All the doubts came crashing in and within the span of 5 minutes, I was reduced the walking husk, intentionally blocking all thoughts and just focusing on the images flashing from the magical box we call tv.
Crap. Utter bugger.
My dad called the agent today, unbeknownst to me and told me that none of the other students under the education agent were accepted besides me while I laid there watching tv mindlessly. The first reaction I had was 'What the crap?' because I honestly did not think it would be that competitive. After that came the dreadful feeling of inadequacy, in complete contrast to the feeling I got when I was accepted into vet school.
I was saying 'crap' multiple times to myself while wondering if I bit off more than I can chew. It's freaking medical school and I'm just me. The 'What the heck were you thinking' came into mind yet again and my self-confidence plummeted albeit it wasn't that high to start with. I felt like I fooled someone into believing that I could do it but inside I was rocking in a fetal position. What if I took the place of someone more deserving than me like what I did in vet school...
All the doubts came crashing in and within the span of 5 minutes, I was reduced the walking husk, intentionally blocking all thoughts and just focusing on the images flashing from the magical box we call tv.
Crap. Utter bugger.
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