Harsh words

There is no doubt that I will shed some tears as I leave Perth but I know there will be a small part of my thrilled for the new journey ahead.

This time I am no longer following other's footstep, I'll be on my own and though it's KL, I'm only familiar with the currency used there and nothing else.

I hate depending on people and maybe this is the golden opportunity for me to spread my wings and fly for once. Stripping myself of the L plate and strapping on the P plate to explore the world.

Truth be told, I don't think I would be happy having the living the life I have now in Perth for 5 more years. I barely get to see my friends here anyways, they have better things to do than hang out with me. I know they have studies to focus on and I am not being fair but I can't help but feel I've become a burden rather than a friend. Just another chore on the list to tick off.

I rather have geographical separation as a reason for the drifting friendship than what I have now. I know I'm being harsh and insensitive but that's how I feel.

I won't be living with my brother too so maybe I can get to explore who am I by myself. I want to know who am I beyond my safety net. Besides, this hopefully leads to less quarreling and tension between us.

Fiction

I haven't updated my blog as regularly as I would have in the past. I guess putting words down makes my departure from Perth more finalized and I don't think I'm entirely ready for that.

I won't lie, I expected to spend more time with my friends this week but I understand that they were occupied by their studies. Well, I sort of understand... I know I shouldn't but I do resent them slightly for that. A part of me wants to shout 'It may be the last time I am going to spend time with you in Perth, can't you drop the books and miss some lectures to spend some time with me?' Then the other part of me condemn myself for even having this kind of thought because that's selfish.

Would I drop everything down to spend some time with my friend if he/she was going back to Malaysia forever? I doubt I would being under the pressure exerted by my uni studies. Then why was I entertaining myself with this kind of thoughts...

The trip in the park wasn't what I imagined as well. I imagined that we'll be sitting on the grass and relieving the memories we shared. Instead, we walked and had mindless chi chat for the whole night while munching on snacks. I guess I have to separate real life and fiction. Things rarely go the way you want in real life and that's fine, may be that's even better in some way that I can't explain. I mean at least they tried right? But why do I still feel this way?

Confusion

Would things ever be clear again? I feel so confused and lost right now.

I don't know what to do other than trying to numb myself by pretending everything is not happening. I am doing quite a good job at it until a dream last night tackled me into reality.

I'm a bit fuzzy about the details but I distinctly remember me ending up in tears trying to defend myself against my dad's accusation while we were in KL. He was asking me about what I am going to do with my life in a frustrated tone and I totally broke down. I told him I don't know, I don't know what I am going to do, heck, I don't even know what I am doing right now?

The sad thing is I made all this choices, coming to Canning college, studying veterinary science in Murdoch. For the first time, my parents gave me the chance to choose my future and look where it got me. Sometimes I wish I just studied engineering instead. I can imagine that I'll probably come close to failing a couple of times, hate my internship, threaten to quite multiple times but I think I would have stuck through it... Okay, who am I kidding? I can't even stick through vet science, how can I even study something that I have zero passion about.

But still, I wish what course suite me the best. It's really disorientating growing up knowing what you do then when you got to it, you figure out that's not something you would want to do. I feel like I am having an identity crisis. Who am I exactly?

I see all my friends, all sticking to what they do, even though some still hate it but at least they didn't give up. I wish I had their determination, I wish I could bear doing something I am not passionate about, I wish I was normal.

Now, hear am I, the laughing stock of family and friends, stripped away of my identity, cowering in front of everyone to be criticized and mock at. Without their validation, my academic achievements, I feel empty, hollow. The worst part is I know that's not right because my self worth does not depend on other's opinion of me. But I can't help feeling this way. It's like having the write answers but hesitating to write it down on a test. Why the heck am I doing that? I don't know.

Introduction

I was brought up as a realist but a dreamer at heart.

I want to travel across the world and enjoy various local delicacies.

I want to learn how to bake a cake, preferably a green tea cheesecake.

I detach myself from heart-braking situation so I don't need to feel the pain.

I want to go to Disney World and wear those tacky Mickey Mouse ear hats.

I would like to dress up and celebrate Halloween just once.

I want to fall asleep beneath the stars on a meadow.

I want to attend a traditional ballroom event in an ancient castle.

I want to love and be loved.

ashamed

You don't need to lie to me, it doesn't work anymore. I've seen through the lies you spun and there is no point denying anymore. To me the truth, even if it hurts me. I rather be hurt than feeling that I can't trust the ones that I love.

It is understandable if you feel ashamed of me. I would be too if I were you. Wait, no, scratch that. I wouldn't because I know how it feels to be under the gaze of a loved one that oozes out disappointment. But you have every right to be because I am ashamed of myself too.

You don't need to elaborate your lies, you should have known by now that I see through all your lies, big or small. Why? I guess that's because you raised me and we are more alike than you think.

I won't tell others about my decision, only my best friends. I wished you tell the truth if someone asked you but I understand if you rather keep quiet. You've been through tough times and I was the culprit. I can't expect someone to be perfect and accept my imperfection because that would be contradictory wouldn't it?

I've braced for this since I made my decision. It hurts but it's okay. You told me not to live under the stares of others and you are one of the others. I'm tired of pleasing everyone and being scared of everything. I'll be brave for once and strive for what I want. It's high time that I started to run for myself than for anyone else. I'm just hoping the direction that I am running to is the Lord's direction.

Validation

"Is it too hard for you?" "Can't cope with it anymore?"

Words like these plunge a spear right through my heart not before piercing my ego.

I want to shout "No! I can do this! I know I can! Let me show you...please believe me." but in the end I just offer a simple "No, it's just that I am not interested in it anymore." Like I would expect anyone to believe that even though its true.

I think that's one of the reason I was reluctant to tell my course-mates that I was pulling out of vet school. I can't face the underlying meaning of their question like they were really concerned about me. Truthfully, I just can't face being a failure. They were right. I wasn't smart enough to persevere through, I know I would have cracked eventually.

Sometimes I want to explain myself to the others but more often than not, I keep my mouth shout because why add salt to a hurting wound? Why do I need validation from others? Why do I need them to believe or tell me that I am smart? Maybe its because that's all I am good for. That's my identity, my sole source of self-worth and pride. Is it unhealthy and wrong? Yeah but I can't help it.

Even though I don't think I am smart but I want people to think that, I want people to tell me so maybe one day I'll believe that I am worth more than what I think of myself now. All the awards and the compliments followed feels nice and warm like someone noticed me, like I for a moment in time, I was put on a pedestal, I was paid attention to. I was no longer Ricky-the good for nothing, Ricky-the original screw up or Ricky-the low self esteem weirdo, I was Ricky- the person who won something, Ricky- the person worth giving a compliment to.

Sure at first I did it to please my parents. They were so happy when I started doing well that I tried to live up to their expectation, just for them to smile at me more, to add a reason for them to love me more. But now I feel like its not about them anymore, it's mutated into an ugly ego-feeding monster that feeds on the recognition and validations of others.

When I noticed that I got the vice-chancellor academic excellence recognition award, I was so happy. I wanted to tell my parents to hear them say "I'm proud of you". But when I did, all I got was "See, why don't you stick to vet?" and "Oh, okay." I was utterly crushed. Why do I need their praise? Why do I need to be so weak to depend my self worth on someone's opinion of myself?

Then I decided to screw this! I don't need people to tell me how much I am worth, I don't people to validate that I am worthy of love, I don't need anyone to feed my ego anymore. I just want to be me again...

Beach

It has been too long since I felt the sand through the creases of my toe. Standing with my arms wide open, embracing the hug of mother nature in the form a of gentle breeze. I can feel my hair being tousled in the breeze but I don't mind, it feels comforting, like someone was running their hands delicately through my hair.

Walking down the path lined with broken seashells and fragments of seaweed, I feel happy, joyful as if soaking all the positive energy that was tackling me through the breeze and sunlight.

At that moment it was just me with God. Marveling at the wonder of His creation, producing such a masterpiece through white sand and shimmering sea. The sun shone brightly without the barrier of clouds, its rays warm my body as if it serves as a reminder that the sun too, was an important component of the picturesque scenery.

The refreshing coolness brought upon by the seawater on my feet were beautifully contrasted by the warmth of the sun. The lapping of the waves creating a tantalizing melody with the rustling of my hair, as if I was apart of a symphony but remains a spectator at the same time.

I stood there, buried my feet into the warm sand and enjoy the sudden lost and gain of coolness by the waves. Losing myself and immersing my senses into their surrounding, feeling and hearing everything, letting loose the rationality and for that moment I was a being that could feel and nothing more.

Carefully stepping onto the slanted surfaces of stone, I maneuvered myself to get to the edge closest to the sea without dropping into the kingdom for mermaids. Resting my back on the rock and tilt my head to the left, a wonderful sight graced its presence on my eyes. Mesmerized by the majestic view, I began to loose myself again. I wasn't Ricky the screw up, I wasn't Ricky the disappointment, I was just Ricky. Perhaps that was what I wanted all along, what I needed now to get through life. Even though it was just a tiny fraction of my life, I craved to be just Ricky, just me for as long as it could possibly last.

Want

I can be mean and downright cruel,
Doesn't mean I like to be that,
I don't try to deliberately hurt you,
But somehow wrong words just comes up.

Behind the condescending tone,
All the sarcasm lining the words,
Peel off all the layers,
Then you'll see I'm just afraid.

Words can be spun around,
Distorted into things that were not meant,
Breaking bonds and scarring relationships,
I had the front row seat to that viewing.

No one ever really listen anymore,
Less of self is a lost concept,
I should know that quite well,
Since when do I listen anymore.

All I've done is talking and hurting,
Never conveying what I really mean,
At least that's what you think,
I don't know how to prove you otherwise.

I may play the victim sometimes,
But I know I was at fault in this situation,
Frustration surged through me like electricity,
All I wanted was to be heard and be loved.

Hush now

Sleepless night and unwavering frown,
Since when it did become my daily routine,
Consumed by all the doubts and questions,
Can't you leave me alone just for a day.

Was it selfish to choose what my heart desire,
To give up dreams that I thought were real,
Go for something that's not within grasp,
Taking a risk without guaranteed return.

Just give me one day of peace,
Let me forget what predicament I am in,
Don't ask me questions you know I can't answer,
Pretend everything is still alright.

Lie to me if you need to,
Tell me I'm making the right decision,
To leave the comfort behind and run,
Run to a place where my happiness is.

Can you hear the plea I whisper,
Can't you see it in my eyes,
Hush now and leave the questions for another day,
For now let's act happy and nothing is wrong.

Shattered dream

I can understand the pain piercing through one's heart when one realized their dream is just the beginning of a nightmare.

I was blessed to be given a chance to live my dream, or at least, what used to be my dream. I still remember getting that acceptance letter was one of the happiest and scariest moment of my life.

I got my golden ticket to live the dream, be what I want for once, be what I want to become, a vet.

I ignored the weird glances, the taunts, the closed minded verbal response when I told people what I going to study, what my dream was. They can sneer all they like but as long I still have my dream to live for, I was untouchable because I was on cloud nine.

Oh how far have I fallen from that point on, how many tears and sobs escaping heaving chest as I endured the year. My dream was fading, passion was dying and reality tackled onto me like a tonne of bricks. I was crushed beyond belief, devastated, disappointed and angry.

Why did I have to be one whose dream got shattered? Why can't I have a happy journey, haven't I been through enough? I never felt like I deserve better, that I deserved riches or fame, I just wanted to live my dream, be a change in the world.

Was I too naive? Didn't I think it thoroughly? Where did it all go wrong, dream shattering into pieces, all their is left are glistening tear drops on the pieces.

The frustration I caused others, the hurt they endured because of me made it worse. How can you comfort them, ensuring that you'll be fine that leaving this 'dream' was the right choice when all you want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. Let all the tears fall away and tiredness enveloping me into a restless sleep.

I don't have all the answers, I don't have all the guarantees, I'm just as confused and just as hurt.

I want to blame everyone, accuse them of disrupting my illusion. Why did you have to wake me up? I want to scream 'I hate you' from the top of my lungs to the world but in the end, the only one I could scream at was the pathetic being in the mirror, for not being strong enough, not smart enough, not dedicated enough, not wise enough.