An array of pictures that seemed familiar popped out in front of my sight. I recognized the smiling faces but something was missing. Then it hit me, I knew what it was.
It happened before and it will happen again, we move on. The company for this journey may not be present for the next one but we have to keep on walking. Memories may be in the heart but it will fade, in the end, it is just but a tiny piece of reminder of what you had and nothing more.
We all have our different paths to travel but I was happy for the short journey we had. There will always be a connection no matter how small but it will never grow with what's happening now.
Looking at the freshly baked brownie in the mug and silhouettes standing outside my door, it's my time to move on too.
However, in this context, you can never really move on because a piece of you is with them. All you can do is stop to dwell and appreciate what you had and have.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
"Benefits"
It is very evident that studying medicine has taken a toll on me, both physically and mentally.
I don't wake up every day filled with joy nor do I thirst for the knowledge that my lecturers are throwing out constantly. Yet again, I have been numbed by the academics and lost sight of my goals.
I remember there was one lecturer who pointed out how we should act professionally as we are giving benefits that other profession may not possess. I almost scoffed at that statement. What kind of benefits? To be under constant scrutiny, facing difficult patients, low job security, high academic demands, facing possible litigation everyday?
As you can see, my cynical side got the better of me and I was very disheartened.
The only benefit I could think of was the benefit of helping people medically, is that worth everything that I am sacrificing for?
I'm still here aren't I?
I don't wake up every day filled with joy nor do I thirst for the knowledge that my lecturers are throwing out constantly. Yet again, I have been numbed by the academics and lost sight of my goals.
I remember there was one lecturer who pointed out how we should act professionally as we are giving benefits that other profession may not possess. I almost scoffed at that statement. What kind of benefits? To be under constant scrutiny, facing difficult patients, low job security, high academic demands, facing possible litigation everyday?
As you can see, my cynical side got the better of me and I was very disheartened.
The only benefit I could think of was the benefit of helping people medically, is that worth everything that I am sacrificing for?
I'm still here aren't I?
Friday, November 15, 2013
Common cold
So I contracted the cold bug on Thursday and was reminded on how 'fun' being sick was. My nose was runny, my head ached and I felt like there was bump the size of bouncy ball growing in my throat.
It's time like this when I miss home the most. I would have gotten honey lemon and hot chicken soup but instead here all I got was active-fast panadol tablets and a 8-min walk to uni just to get dinner. I even skipped lunch because I was too tired to move my butt out of my bed.
I miss home, I miss my life, where did it all go?
It's time like this when I miss home the most. I would have gotten honey lemon and hot chicken soup but instead here all I got was active-fast panadol tablets and a 8-min walk to uni just to get dinner. I even skipped lunch because I was too tired to move my butt out of my bed.
I miss home, I miss my life, where did it all go?
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Unique
Today we learned about dominant and recessive genes. As expected, they used eye colors as an example with crystal blue as recessive and bland brown as dominant.
I use to wish I had blue eyes because it would make me feel more unique, more beautiful in a sense since brown is so common. I still do sometimes but now I wish I had those green mesmerizing eyes instead of blue.
What does it mean to be unique?
I use to wish I had blue eyes because it would make me feel more unique, more beautiful in a sense since brown is so common. I still do sometimes but now I wish I had those green mesmerizing eyes instead of blue.
What does it mean to be unique?
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Street style
Today I did something that I never thought I do.
I GOT A PIERCING! Just kidding! Haha
I attended a hip hop dance class which was really fun. Today I had another episode of a mini meltdown. *Sigh* Again Ricky? I know, I know.
Anyways, I wanted to do something different, just get out this rut and basically feel alive again. There was a dance lesson after lecture so I though why the heck not.
The lesson was actually quite fast paced for me but the others said last week was harder. We learned some cool moves but of course, I look like a dancing teddy bear from Toy Story. Ah, the good thing about having mirrors in front of the dance studio, you get to look on how cool( or weird in my case) doing street dance.
It was quite fun since there wasn't a lot of people and most were my friends already. I had fun so I think I'm going to make this a weekly thing unless I have assignments to do.
New life, new experience I guess.
Here a glass to you Ricky, you danced, Hip Hop style, well...at least you tried.
I GOT A PIERCING! Just kidding! Haha
I attended a hip hop dance class which was really fun. Today I had another episode of a mini meltdown. *Sigh* Again Ricky? I know, I know.
Anyways, I wanted to do something different, just get out this rut and basically feel alive again. There was a dance lesson after lecture so I though why the heck not.
The lesson was actually quite fast paced for me but the others said last week was harder. We learned some cool moves but of course, I look like a dancing teddy bear from Toy Story. Ah, the good thing about having mirrors in front of the dance studio, you get to look on how cool( or weird in my case) doing street dance.
It was quite fun since there wasn't a lot of people and most were my friends already. I had fun so I think I'm going to make this a weekly thing unless I have assignments to do.
New life, new experience I guess.
Here a glass to you Ricky, you danced, Hip Hop style, well...at least you tried.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Easier times
I wish I could have a timeout right now, just to feel like I can breathe again instead of being trapped in a life that I don't even know what direction I am going.
I should be living the 'dream' but instead I go to uni every day, either emotionless or weary. Lectures come and go, labs are always frustrating since I can't understand half the time. At the end of the day, I just want to go back to my room, eat and have some time to myself just to slowly inhale and exhale.
Should university life be like this? Should life in general be like this? I imagined what life would be like in university and now I rather go back to easier times.
I think in my life, the most fun adventure I had was during my Canning College year. I went on a journey of self-discovery and explored foreign places with new friends. The curriculum wasn't that bad and I did enjoy most of the classes, well at least half of them. I was filled with so much hope then. I could be in any profession I wanted to because no decision has been made yet.
If God gave me a chance to go back, I would take it in a heartbeat. I don't know if this is the right path for me but I know I'm not lucky enough to go for a third chance. I'll just have to stick through and hopefully, it'll get better, so much more better than it is right now.
I should be living the 'dream' but instead I go to uni every day, either emotionless or weary. Lectures come and go, labs are always frustrating since I can't understand half the time. At the end of the day, I just want to go back to my room, eat and have some time to myself just to slowly inhale and exhale.
Should university life be like this? Should life in general be like this? I imagined what life would be like in university and now I rather go back to easier times.
I think in my life, the most fun adventure I had was during my Canning College year. I went on a journey of self-discovery and explored foreign places with new friends. The curriculum wasn't that bad and I did enjoy most of the classes, well at least half of them. I was filled with so much hope then. I could be in any profession I wanted to because no decision has been made yet.
If God gave me a chance to go back, I would take it in a heartbeat. I don't know if this is the right path for me but I know I'm not lucky enough to go for a third chance. I'll just have to stick through and hopefully, it'll get better, so much more better than it is right now.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Progress 1 completed
My first exam was not a fun rollercoaster ride as you can see from my previous post about having a mini existential crisis.
I had a mini panic attack at lunch before the exam because my friends were spouting out things that I don't understand at all. My mind was blank and I kept flipping the papers in my file without absorbing anything into my mind. I gave up halfway because I felt like I was on the verge of hyperventilating so I just focused on my lunch.
Of course I forgot to bring my student ID so I went back to my room which was a good 7 minutes walk away to retrieve it. I think it was God's plan all along for me to have that 15 minutes of walk just to calm myself down before I forget anything and just sob.
After a mind-numbing 2 hours, I came out of the exam hall blurr and relieved. I did not even want to think about the questions nor discuss it. I went straight back into my room, open a can of biscuits and starting my post-exam comfort eating ritual.
I went out with a couple of friends later at night and the exams were tucked into a far corner in my head because I've heard that it takes about 1 week for the result to be released.
Of course it didn't. The result was released today and thankfully, by a miracle, there was no need for me to sob and buy more biscuits. Wait, I'm going to buy biscuits anyways. Anyways, I passed my test and that was it. I am competitive by nature and I try not to be because I feel like it brings out the worst in me. The results were released by a list and each students were assigned their numbers beforehand so no one knew each other's mark unless they know their numbers or someone personally told them.
I scanned through the list and wow, some of these people are freaking crazy. But I kind of expected that because I saw some people working quite hard and frankly I hope it was them because they deserved these kind of marks.
Some of my friends tried to ask me what marks I got but I was hesitant to answer. I hope I didn't offend them but I try to refrain myself from telling other people not without reasons. I was really blessed during the exams and with the marks I got, I think the answers that I've randomly chose were right more often than not. It wasn't a clear reflection of the knowledge that I've retained. I won't lie and say my results were bad because they weren't, neither were they the best though. It was beyond my imagination and I thank God for that. I just don't want my ego to feed on people's praises (assuming they would- does that make me egotistic?) and for people to assume that I'm something that I'm not- smart.
If I worked hard or really was a genius, I don't think I would have qualm admitting it or at least lying about it. But in this situation I figured, silence is a much more suitable answer.
I had a mini panic attack at lunch before the exam because my friends were spouting out things that I don't understand at all. My mind was blank and I kept flipping the papers in my file without absorbing anything into my mind. I gave up halfway because I felt like I was on the verge of hyperventilating so I just focused on my lunch.
Of course I forgot to bring my student ID so I went back to my room which was a good 7 minutes walk away to retrieve it. I think it was God's plan all along for me to have that 15 minutes of walk just to calm myself down before I forget anything and just sob.
After a mind-numbing 2 hours, I came out of the exam hall blurr and relieved. I did not even want to think about the questions nor discuss it. I went straight back into my room, open a can of biscuits and starting my post-exam comfort eating ritual.
I went out with a couple of friends later at night and the exams were tucked into a far corner in my head because I've heard that it takes about 1 week for the result to be released.
Of course it didn't. The result was released today and thankfully, by a miracle, there was no need for me to sob and buy more biscuits. Wait, I'm going to buy biscuits anyways. Anyways, I passed my test and that was it. I am competitive by nature and I try not to be because I feel like it brings out the worst in me. The results were released by a list and each students were assigned their numbers beforehand so no one knew each other's mark unless they know their numbers or someone personally told them.
I scanned through the list and wow, some of these people are freaking crazy. But I kind of expected that because I saw some people working quite hard and frankly I hope it was them because they deserved these kind of marks.
Some of my friends tried to ask me what marks I got but I was hesitant to answer. I hope I didn't offend them but I try to refrain myself from telling other people not without reasons. I was really blessed during the exams and with the marks I got, I think the answers that I've randomly chose were right more often than not. It wasn't a clear reflection of the knowledge that I've retained. I won't lie and say my results were bad because they weren't, neither were they the best though. It was beyond my imagination and I thank God for that. I just don't want my ego to feed on people's praises (assuming they would- does that make me egotistic?) and for people to assume that I'm something that I'm not- smart.
If I worked hard or really was a genius, I don't think I would have qualm admitting it or at least lying about it. But in this situation I figured, silence is a much more suitable answer.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Greater objective
Here I am, buried under 50+ lecture notes, moaning and complaining about life and its general suckiness. Of course I am trying to over exaggerate the predicament I am in as a defense mechanism for some consolation if I don't do well. In general, most university students suffer through this (well, if you are like me, not revising until the last minute) and I am not as special as I led myself to believe.
This is just my first year, six weeks worth of lecture and lab materials and now I lay there, defeated even before the war, waving a white flag. In crucial times like this is when I like to ponder about the big questions in life (yes, my procrastination has reached the level which includes philosophical thoughts) while munching on some cookies.
Why am I here? What's God purpose for me here? All those questions that seemed to escape my mind in my daily life which only surfaces when the critical period is around the corner. A mini existential crisis if you will.
I have come to this conclusion on my own-which says a lot about the wisdom embedded in the the conclusion you will see next.
Screw this. Yup, you heard me (or rather see what I typed), screw this. I got on this train to Academy-Torture-Ville (a proof that my originality has deteriorated) to become something bigger than myself. The intent was to help and I knew I was going to suffer (to put it melodramatically) to achieved that. Sometimes I lose sight of what is important when lecture notes are constantly shoved in my face and occasionally (okay, more often than not) cookies, but I digress.
There is always a greater objective than passing exams and studying but to achieve it, I have to go through crappy periods of living like a zombie and sobbing in a fetal position.
As eloquent as ever Ricky, keeping it classy.
This is just my first year, six weeks worth of lecture and lab materials and now I lay there, defeated even before the war, waving a white flag. In crucial times like this is when I like to ponder about the big questions in life (yes, my procrastination has reached the level which includes philosophical thoughts) while munching on some cookies.
Why am I here? What's God purpose for me here? All those questions that seemed to escape my mind in my daily life which only surfaces when the critical period is around the corner. A mini existential crisis if you will.
I have come to this conclusion on my own-which says a lot about the wisdom embedded in the the conclusion you will see next.
Screw this. Yup, you heard me (or rather see what I typed), screw this. I got on this train to Academy-Torture-Ville (a proof that my originality has deteriorated) to become something bigger than myself. The intent was to help and I knew I was going to suffer (to put it melodramatically) to achieved that. Sometimes I lose sight of what is important when lecture notes are constantly shoved in my face and occasionally (okay, more often than not) cookies, but I digress.
There is always a greater objective than passing exams and studying but to achieve it, I have to go through crappy periods of living like a zombie and sobbing in a fetal position.
As eloquent as ever Ricky, keeping it classy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)