What do want from them? More sympathy would be nice.
What could I have said? I am sorry but I haven't been doing revision everyday so I'm stuck with a mountain of lectures to digest and hope I don't regurgitate all out so I don't fail my test on Monday? So this is how your son is doing, how are you doing?
'Work harder, do your best,'said my parents. What more could they give me besides that? What do I really want from them. 'I know university is hard but this is life.' Truest word ever spoken?
'Why don't you go study in the library because there is reference there?'
'I'm sorry but I'm in knee deep just from the lectures note, I don't think I have the time to read extra information or even know what to look up on. I'm sorry that you thought I was hardworking but I'm really not. Neither am I genius so what am I?
I feel like a spoilt child because I know they do care but it is just not enough for me.
If I said to them after they complained about a hard day of work,'You got to do what you got to do to but bread on the dining table right? Buck up, I know it's hard but hey, everyone else is working as well, it is not just you who is suffering', I wonder how she would feel. Encouraged or enraged?
There is a fine line there isn't it.
What do I want then? What do I need? I have no idea. That is why I think I am behaving like a child throwing a tantrum because of a subpar Christmas present. Incapable of being thankful and optimistic.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Apology
A thousand thoughtless apologies,
Desensitized by all the wrongs,
Knowing the wrong from right,
Was the least of the worries.
You gave your heart for me,
I tore it into little pieces,
A countenance of indifference,
An ingenuine sorry whispered.
You are worth so much more than me,
All the love I could give would not suffice,
You gave me all the love I need,
All I gave back was resentment and pain.
Sometimes I wonder why you put up with me,
Surely anyone else would be better than me,
How infinite is your grace and love,
That somehow you see me as something that is of worth.
Desensitized by all the wrongs,
Knowing the wrong from right,
Was the least of the worries.
You gave your heart for me,
I tore it into little pieces,
A countenance of indifference,
An ingenuine sorry whispered.
You are worth so much more than me,
All the love I could give would not suffice,
You gave me all the love I need,
All I gave back was resentment and pain.
Sometimes I wonder why you put up with me,
Surely anyone else would be better than me,
How infinite is your grace and love,
That somehow you see me as something that is of worth.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Go back
My fifth week of university just ended and I'm here, leg tucked under my chin, looking out ot the gloomy skies, hearing the roar of the thunder.
I feel like the weather now is a representation of what's going in my heart right now. Chaos, loud and gloomy.
The lectures are piling up along with the assignments. The workload is suffocating sometimes but I guess that's expected since med school is suppose to be hard. Sometimes, I just want to bury my head into the pillow and cry, as loud as I can, no judgement and no constraint. Just let it all out.
I don't like my life now. I feel like a spoilt brat for having this feeling because aren't I suppose to be living my dream? I just want to go back home, lie on my own bed, smell the fragrance of home and surrounded by my parents. When I was in Perth it was still fine because my brother and good friends were there, it felt like my second home.
It is different here than in Perth. Perth was a concrete jungle awaiting me to explore. Here, it is just a room with grilled windows and sucky internet.
I don't like it here, not at all. God, can I return back in time. Let me choose once more. I'm not sure how much I can stand it here before I waste away, leaving nothing but a shadow of a person with a broken heart.
Let me go back...or at least have a hope of escaping these 4 walls that I was sealed inside. I want to be grateful and let praise for you always be in my mouth but I can't right now. I'm sorry.
I feel like the weather now is a representation of what's going in my heart right now. Chaos, loud and gloomy.
The lectures are piling up along with the assignments. The workload is suffocating sometimes but I guess that's expected since med school is suppose to be hard. Sometimes, I just want to bury my head into the pillow and cry, as loud as I can, no judgement and no constraint. Just let it all out.
I don't like my life now. I feel like a spoilt brat for having this feeling because aren't I suppose to be living my dream? I just want to go back home, lie on my own bed, smell the fragrance of home and surrounded by my parents. When I was in Perth it was still fine because my brother and good friends were there, it felt like my second home.
It is different here than in Perth. Perth was a concrete jungle awaiting me to explore. Here, it is just a room with grilled windows and sucky internet.
I don't like it here, not at all. God, can I return back in time. Let me choose once more. I'm not sure how much I can stand it here before I waste away, leaving nothing but a shadow of a person with a broken heart.
Let me go back...or at least have a hope of escaping these 4 walls that I was sealed inside. I want to be grateful and let praise for you always be in my mouth but I can't right now. I'm sorry.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Dawn
His face was ashen and the faint light was unkind to his pale skin. Warmth radiated from where our fingers intertwined, it was like an illusion, one that I hold tight on to. All I could hear was the regular sound emitting from the machine and the ticking of the clock, both conflicting stimulus. One reminded who he is, the other reminded who he was. He was always rushing but never on time, time was his enemy and I guess it caught up to him.
Rationality and emotion was incongruence, what I could see was clouding what I know. I lay down once again, right above his heart like I had many times before. It was weak but still present, the sign of life. He could not hear me but I still spoke. All of the words left unsaid- the regrets, the joys, the uphill battles that came with our path merging were spewed out, hoping somehow a miracle would happen, he would come back to me.
He was physically present but his essence was gone. The facts were there and the form beside me proved it. What made him the one I loved was gone. He would never look at me with his peridot green eyes like I hung the stars and the moon, his high pitched cackle was never be to heard again. He was gone but at the same time, he was still here.
Would he had wanted this life? But what about me? What do I do when I want to feel his warmth, or put my head onto the crook of his neck that was made for me? Can't I be selfish just once more?
I never understood the reason behind going to the graveyard to talk with the deceased. It seemed so unnecessary to me as being near the grave does not equate closer to the deceased as they are no longer in this realm. Now I know, there is no rationality when it comes to grief. Whether be it ashes or bones, any is better than none.
The time has come for me to be a brave person like how he always told me I was. The decision had been made but delaying it, hoping for any kind of miracle was worth a try, anything was worth a try if he could come back. I never detested my signature more than I was when filling the paper.
The person lying on the bed was no longer himself and I, just a mere shadow of myself. I have still have time till dawn, to memorise his heartbeat before it stops, just like his brain and my whole world did.
Rationality and emotion was incongruence, what I could see was clouding what I know. I lay down once again, right above his heart like I had many times before. It was weak but still present, the sign of life. He could not hear me but I still spoke. All of the words left unsaid- the regrets, the joys, the uphill battles that came with our path merging were spewed out, hoping somehow a miracle would happen, he would come back to me.
He was physically present but his essence was gone. The facts were there and the form beside me proved it. What made him the one I loved was gone. He would never look at me with his peridot green eyes like I hung the stars and the moon, his high pitched cackle was never be to heard again. He was gone but at the same time, he was still here.
Would he had wanted this life? But what about me? What do I do when I want to feel his warmth, or put my head onto the crook of his neck that was made for me? Can't I be selfish just once more?
I never understood the reason behind going to the graveyard to talk with the deceased. It seemed so unnecessary to me as being near the grave does not equate closer to the deceased as they are no longer in this realm. Now I know, there is no rationality when it comes to grief. Whether be it ashes or bones, any is better than none.
The time has come for me to be a brave person like how he always told me I was. The decision had been made but delaying it, hoping for any kind of miracle was worth a try, anything was worth a try if he could come back. I never detested my signature more than I was when filling the paper.
The person lying on the bed was no longer himself and I, just a mere shadow of myself. I have still have time till dawn, to memorise his heartbeat before it stops, just like his brain and my whole world did.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Blast from the past: IMU
Some people from IMU called me a few days ago asking me if I wanted to attend the interview on Saturday. I was of course confused as I got rejected already but I wanted to follow up because the temptation of a possible twinning situation was too strong.
I thought maybe God gave me another to study abroad since I pleaded with him. However, today I called IMU and it was indeed a system error. I was disappointed because truthfully, I wanted to have the power to reject their offer and not for them to reject me yet again. Basically, I wanted revenge for all the pain they caused me which could be avoided so much earlier.
What are you talking about Ricky?
Well, I left during my second year of vet degree to pursue medicine back home since it was too expensive to pursue medicine in Aus. I have completed my first year of degree and I was happy with my chances of getting admitted into a med school back home. It was like my result was the best or anything but I thought it was good enough.
I set my sights on IMU because it offered a twinning program and that was the sole reason. Call me conceited or big headed but I honestly never thought they would have rejected me unless the interview was a disaster which it wasn't (from my point of view anyways).
After two months of gruelling wait and me constantly clicking on the application portal, I found out that I was rejected. The funny thing is I had to call multiple times and finally they took action and actually looked at my file. This hit me hard because I did not make any back-up plans. This just shows how important back-up plan is people!
Their reason was that I did not take Biology in my Foundation and even though I completed my Biology units with good results in the first year of my university, it did not count since I did not complete the whole degree. I thought that was illogical but I was too shocked to ask for more details and get a closure.
After walking like a soulless zombie for a few days, I decided to apply for medicine in Newcastle Medicine Malaysia. I was reluctant at first because I had to go through everything again, the application and interview. The possibility of getting rejected again struck my nerve and honestly I wanted to pursue another degree at that point. I didn't know what else would I want to do besides medicine so I summoned all the courage God gave me and applied.
Lo and behold, I actually got in even though I didn't do Biology in my foundations by God's grace. They gave me the result of my application process the day after my interview and I burst into tears. They thought I was worst the risk, that I was capable enough to become a medical student (well at least that what I think), it gave me the reassurance that I needed.
Fast forward until the 4th week of my time in NuMed, I finally got my closure from IMU. I just ended a conversation with a woman who was in the decision making process of rejecting my application. I wanted some closure so I threw away my hesitation and asked her frankly. She told me the same spiel about not taking Bio like last time but it didn't matter anymore. She was nice and polite which hopefully was I came across also but she didn't give me closure.
God gave me closure with this opportunity I. Even though she said the same things, I decided to let it go. Why does it matter anymore that I got rejected by them. Do I still want revenge? Sadly my answer is "Heck Yes!". If I ever publish a thesis or a paper, I would put in the acknowledgement "IMU, for being a fool in rejecting me that lead me to greener pastures". Still an immature teenager at heart. My vendetta is still set as the wound is still fresh but soon I'll forget about it as it really is insignificant anyways.
I'm not saying IMU is a bad uni or anything since I can't judge but I'm glad that they taught me something that I've heard before.
When a door closes, another one opens. Take a hint from God okay, He chose to close the door for a reason.
I thought maybe God gave me another to study abroad since I pleaded with him. However, today I called IMU and it was indeed a system error. I was disappointed because truthfully, I wanted to have the power to reject their offer and not for them to reject me yet again. Basically, I wanted revenge for all the pain they caused me which could be avoided so much earlier.
What are you talking about Ricky?
Well, I left during my second year of vet degree to pursue medicine back home since it was too expensive to pursue medicine in Aus. I have completed my first year of degree and I was happy with my chances of getting admitted into a med school back home. It was like my result was the best or anything but I thought it was good enough.
I set my sights on IMU because it offered a twinning program and that was the sole reason. Call me conceited or big headed but I honestly never thought they would have rejected me unless the interview was a disaster which it wasn't (from my point of view anyways).
After two months of gruelling wait and me constantly clicking on the application portal, I found out that I was rejected. The funny thing is I had to call multiple times and finally they took action and actually looked at my file. This hit me hard because I did not make any back-up plans. This just shows how important back-up plan is people!
Their reason was that I did not take Biology in my Foundation and even though I completed my Biology units with good results in the first year of my university, it did not count since I did not complete the whole degree. I thought that was illogical but I was too shocked to ask for more details and get a closure.
After walking like a soulless zombie for a few days, I decided to apply for medicine in Newcastle Medicine Malaysia. I was reluctant at first because I had to go through everything again, the application and interview. The possibility of getting rejected again struck my nerve and honestly I wanted to pursue another degree at that point. I didn't know what else would I want to do besides medicine so I summoned all the courage God gave me and applied.
Lo and behold, I actually got in even though I didn't do Biology in my foundations by God's grace. They gave me the result of my application process the day after my interview and I burst into tears. They thought I was worst the risk, that I was capable enough to become a medical student (well at least that what I think), it gave me the reassurance that I needed.
Fast forward until the 4th week of my time in NuMed, I finally got my closure from IMU. I just ended a conversation with a woman who was in the decision making process of rejecting my application. I wanted some closure so I threw away my hesitation and asked her frankly. She told me the same spiel about not taking Bio like last time but it didn't matter anymore. She was nice and polite which hopefully was I came across also but she didn't give me closure.
God gave me closure with this opportunity I. Even though she said the same things, I decided to let it go. Why does it matter anymore that I got rejected by them. Do I still want revenge? Sadly my answer is "Heck Yes!". If I ever publish a thesis or a paper, I would put in the acknowledgement "IMU, for being a fool in rejecting me that lead me to greener pastures". Still an immature teenager at heart. My vendetta is still set as the wound is still fresh but soon I'll forget about it as it really is insignificant anyways.
I'm not saying IMU is a bad uni or anything since I can't judge but I'm glad that they taught me something that I've heard before.
When a door closes, another one opens. Take a hint from God okay, He chose to close the door for a reason.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Faith and courage
Tonight, Foo and I decided to do a short devotion regarding Mark 10:46-52 about a blind beggar called Bathimaeus whose faith had earn him Jesus's healing.
He shows his faith by calling Jesus the son of David as it was prophesied that a descendant of King David was to be the Messiah. He did not see the miracles that Jesus performed but he had faith anyways. His faith astounds me and I wish that I had that kind of faith.
People told me to shut up but he did not. He continued shouting Jesus's name until he was heard. His courage was admirable and I hope some day, I would have a courage greater or at least of his equal.
Faith and courage, A nice reminder indeed.
He shows his faith by calling Jesus the son of David as it was prophesied that a descendant of King David was to be the Messiah. He did not see the miracles that Jesus performed but he had faith anyways. His faith astounds me and I wish that I had that kind of faith.
People told me to shut up but he did not. He continued shouting Jesus's name until he was heard. His courage was admirable and I hope some day, I would have a courage greater or at least of his equal.
Faith and courage, A nice reminder indeed.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Living
What can I say anymore? The truth that hurts or the lies that mask it? It has always been a struggle. Do you really want to know what's going inside of me? Or do you just want the answers that you believe? Would it be enough for you to hear the lie or would you know the absence of truth?
I always believe that passion was the only thing I needed. That being passionate about someone or something was enough to keep me going, moving towards a goal that can't be seen. I thought I could be selfless, living in the world, untainted by selfish desire that resides in this world. Perhaps I was too naive, diving in without thinking of the implications. Too immature to think of the consequences, unrelenting and stubborn in my decision because I honestly thought it was the right one. But that was the only redeeming feature that I could find in myself, my passion. Without it, I am nothing but a mere stringless flawed puppet.
I wonder how it would turn out in a perfect scenario if there ever was one. Would I be happy at the end? Or does perfection doesn't necessitate happiness? Would I have lead a meaningful life, leave a footprint behind no matter the size? Would my voice be infused with the jovial tone that was present when I was just a toddler, a time where nothing couldn't be solved by kisses and ice-cream.
When was the last time I felt like I was truly living? Not just surviving. When was the last time I woke up with joy in my heart and praise in my mouth and not with a resentful heart that wishes time would just stop and leave me alone? When did I last release a bellow of laughter accompanied by tears? I remember the last time I cried though. Is it just that sadness is more memorable than happiness?
Please forgive me of the resentful heart buried underneath. A heart that can't appreciate the blessing that is being poured out. Am I in a fortunate place? I could imagine a better scenario that I could be in? But isn't that what everyone could do?
What does it mean to live for me? I'm still on the journey to discover the answers and now I'm on a rocky terrain.
I always believe that passion was the only thing I needed. That being passionate about someone or something was enough to keep me going, moving towards a goal that can't be seen. I thought I could be selfless, living in the world, untainted by selfish desire that resides in this world. Perhaps I was too naive, diving in without thinking of the implications. Too immature to think of the consequences, unrelenting and stubborn in my decision because I honestly thought it was the right one. But that was the only redeeming feature that I could find in myself, my passion. Without it, I am nothing but a mere stringless flawed puppet.
I wonder how it would turn out in a perfect scenario if there ever was one. Would I be happy at the end? Or does perfection doesn't necessitate happiness? Would I have lead a meaningful life, leave a footprint behind no matter the size? Would my voice be infused with the jovial tone that was present when I was just a toddler, a time where nothing couldn't be solved by kisses and ice-cream.
When was the last time I felt like I was truly living? Not just surviving. When was the last time I woke up with joy in my heart and praise in my mouth and not with a resentful heart that wishes time would just stop and leave me alone? When did I last release a bellow of laughter accompanied by tears? I remember the last time I cried though. Is it just that sadness is more memorable than happiness?
Please forgive me of the resentful heart buried underneath. A heart that can't appreciate the blessing that is being poured out. Am I in a fortunate place? I could imagine a better scenario that I could be in? But isn't that what everyone could do?
What does it mean to live for me? I'm still on the journey to discover the answers and now I'm on a rocky terrain.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
A short release
Writing always had been therapeutic for me so here I go.
I won't write about how discontented I feel right now with my life nor the glaring at my file of lecture notes currently situated on my bedside. What I'll write about will have nothing to do with my life, a form of escapism that I greatly need right now though my mood has some bearing on the tone of the story.
The noise emanating from the television and the howl of the wind's furry did nothing to stir A up from his position. Huddle up onto the corner of the bed, with the blanket tightly bunched up against him and head buried into his arm, A was oblivious to the world.
He chose not to feel anything, to shut off his emotion and just be. If only that was possible in humans. He felt the dampness on his hands though he tried to blank out his mind, clearly it was too much. He knew he couldn't fool himself but no one could blame him for trying to escape the harsh blow that reality had given him.
Pictures started to emerge and that was all it took to break open the dam. Tears flowed freely and rushed out like they had somewhere to be. That though incited a short chuckle before the loud sobbing took over again. A did nothing to stop because he couldn't, he had so much pent up emotion that he just burst. One week's worth of grief turned A into a near hysterics state, grabbing the blanket until the knuckles were white as it were the only thing keeping him from being completely shattered.
"I know you think that it's silly I still have my blanky but I need it, not for myself, but for you. When I'm not near you, it'll help me to protect you and remind you that I'll always come back."
B lied. B wasn't coming back and all there is left is a tear-stained blanket and a broken man.
I won't write about how discontented I feel right now with my life nor the glaring at my file of lecture notes currently situated on my bedside. What I'll write about will have nothing to do with my life, a form of escapism that I greatly need right now though my mood has some bearing on the tone of the story.
The noise emanating from the television and the howl of the wind's furry did nothing to stir A up from his position. Huddle up onto the corner of the bed, with the blanket tightly bunched up against him and head buried into his arm, A was oblivious to the world.
He chose not to feel anything, to shut off his emotion and just be. If only that was possible in humans. He felt the dampness on his hands though he tried to blank out his mind, clearly it was too much. He knew he couldn't fool himself but no one could blame him for trying to escape the harsh blow that reality had given him.
Pictures started to emerge and that was all it took to break open the dam. Tears flowed freely and rushed out like they had somewhere to be. That though incited a short chuckle before the loud sobbing took over again. A did nothing to stop because he couldn't, he had so much pent up emotion that he just burst. One week's worth of grief turned A into a near hysterics state, grabbing the blanket until the knuckles were white as it were the only thing keeping him from being completely shattered.
"I know you think that it's silly I still have my blanky but I need it, not for myself, but for you. When I'm not near you, it'll help me to protect you and remind you that I'll always come back."
B lied. B wasn't coming back and all there is left is a tear-stained blanket and a broken man.
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