"What do you want?" I ask myself as I'm surfing on the web instead of doing the piled up assignments and studying for an exam. I know better than this, I know what I should do but nothing is cooperating with me, I rather waste my time watching videos that I've seen than doing anything else. Fuck you Ricky, fuck you

Nightmare

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Every day seems to be the same crap when it used to be a new day equals a new beginning. I feel like I'm slowly falling apart, like I'm an electronic being taken apart but no one is going to put me back together to make me better, I'll just end up in the scrap pile. The worst thing is I'm not doing anything about it, I've given up fighting, tired of struggling, I'll the wave carry me further offshore. I stopped hoping for someone to rescue me, stopped fighting for myself so I'm just drifting, waiting the day that it all end because I'm too much of a coward to end it myself.

What's so bad about my life? I've been reminded time and time again that I'm luckier than so many people and I know that but I can't feel it. I can no longer appreciate the nice things, only focusing on the debilitating emptiness residing within me. I used to be able to cry, to release the pent up emotions but now I can't anymore, I just sit on my bed wondering when it'll all end. I can't feel people's care and love but their indifference is deafening. I can't utter the words 'I love you' because I don't mean it. I don't think I have what it takes to love someone anymore, too occupied with my own self pity and loathing. When did 'okay' become a word to escape from further questions, a lie to prevent further lying.

The final embers of hope is extinguished by the cold front coming in as I lay on my bed, wishing that sleep would take me away from the nightmare of life.

The feeling of emptiness resides at the pit of my stomach while its tendrils extends throughout, wrapping my whole body.

Depression

I imagined lots of crying, bashing on pillows and the inability to feel anything but overwhelming sadness. But for me, it was mainly just numbness and the dreaded period before I fall into slumber, the period where darks thoughts consumed my mind, leaving me tossing and turning for hours. I guess that's why I was shocked when my counsellor asked me if I wanted to see a doctor, that medication might be beneficial to me since my problem hasn't alleviated with all the sessions I had with her. It dawned on me at that point that I was in a serious condition. Retrospectively, I find that quite funny because I knew there was something wrong- the inability to motivate myself to study, random burst of crying and feeling deafening numbness, but I didn't manage to connect the dots even though it was laying obviously in front of me.

Terrified, I asked her if she could give me time to think about it. Of course she said yes and she told me I could meet up with the doctor to discuss the options that I have to deal with my situation. I think that session took a lot from me, I felt drained and exhausted after that session. Apparently connecting all the dots and swallowing reality took a lot from me. The doctor printed off information regarding anti-depressants and cognitive behavioural therapy. She looked me with a professionalism that I was surprisingly thankful for, and told me to consider the options that I have. I walked out, palms sweaty and my gaze shifty as I wondered if the people sitting in the waiting room knew what was going on with me, if somehow I missed the part where the doctor branded 'depression' on my forehead.

This is my third chance of pursuing a tertiary education, I could not afford to screw it up again. I wasn't studying at all, only frantically cursing myself and scanning through the lecture notes the day before exams. I know of this isn't an unusual habit for university students but it caused me a lot of stress, often times ending in near tears and making it harder to escape those dark thoughts. I needed immediate help so I chose medication instead of CBT because I didn't feel like I had the time for months of the CBT sessions to start exerting its effects. I felt a little bit off the kilter first two weeks taking that medication. Falling asleep had gotten harder but I felt a bit better, could be the placebo effect though. It wasn't like suddenly one day, everything just got better. For me it was gradual, I didn't even notice it until I met again with my counsellor. I filled in the form like usual and when the scores were added up, that's where I realised I was getting a bit better. I was still numb most of the time but it felt like I was more receptive to happy moments and the dark thoughts didn't invade my mind as often as it would.

I told my brother and my closest friend about it. I didn't want to but at the moment where I told them, it felt like it was the right thing to do. But later on, when I told my other friend about my depression, I felt guilty. I was getting better at that point and exams had just finished so a major stressor had just been lifted. If I was getting better, was I still allowed to tell other people that I have depression? I told her cause I wanted to explain to her why I stopped my contact with her and as she empathised with me, I felt a weird sense of guilt. I was still taking medication but I felt like things were better. I had no major breakdowns before the finals which was really surprising as last minute studying still continued. My thoughts don't really veer off to dark ones before sleeping like it usually does. However, I still feel numb most of the time but that was survivable. I wasn't living but surviving didn't seem as hard as it used to. Maybe it's because the relief that finals are over that I am able to view of situation in an optimistic way for once. I guess time will tell if I am really cured if depression can ever be cured that is.

Decision

Decisions, small or big, they frustrate me. Wondering if I made the wrong one, the right never seemed obvious.

Swan song

Every day you wish me a good day,
A good day filled with happiness and God's blessing.
You said you love me as we end our conversation,
Our conversation that was filled with concern and exudes love.

But your love comes with a price,
A price that I fear I cannot pay without losing myself.
The fear of rejection and abandonment consumes my thoughts,
My thoughts fervent and my sanity suffers.

How long will I have to keep up my performance,
My performance as a functional human being you call son.
How much am I willing to lose to keep your love,
Your love that is a double edged sword.

A new sky above did not dry my tears,
My tears no longer visible under the moonlight's shine.
Try as I might to find a solution,
A solution remains absent as the foliage of misery piles up.

Not a day goes by do I not question if I am fighting a lost cause,
A lost cause with no victor and a tragic end.
The weariness inside me years for a swan song,
A swan song that might never be played until my black parade.

struggle to juggle

I feel overwhelmed, like I'm a juggler in a never-ending show. I know balancing aspects of life is not unique to me but what am I doing wrong? It can't be this tiring right?

I'm trying to sort out my mental wellbeing, trying to figure out who I am and what I am going to do in the future. It just feels too much sometimes that I don't even bother trying. I can't just separate them, they come in a package deal. I feel like crap and I want to be alone but at the same time, I want to go out of my comfort zone and not feel lonely. There's this battle in my heart and no matter what I always end up losing. I go out even though I feel like being in my room but I don't socialise enough to gain new friends that I can talk to that isn't limited to time before lecture starts. In the end, I'm still alone but somehow more tired, more alone. I'm trying but it feels like it isn't working.

My future, a big question mark, another thorn among the thorn bush encircling my mind. I have no clue what's going to happen. The infinite possibilities used to excite me but now it just slowly chokes me until I get my numbing agent. Worry is useless since it can't solve anything, sounds reasonable but I can't do it. Just adding another reason in a long list of why I'm angry at myself. What am I going to do? At this point, I don't know, internships are already open to apply but I don't know if it has closed yet and my resumé is just a blank page. I came here to figure out my life but it feels like the only thing I've done is remembering how lost I still am.