Nightmare

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Every day seems to be the same crap when it used to be a new day equals a new beginning. I feel like I'm slowly falling apart, like I'm an electronic being taken apart but no one is going to put me back together to make me better, I'll just end up in the scrap pile. The worst thing is I'm not doing anything about it, I've given up fighting, tired of struggling, I'll the wave carry me further offshore. I stopped hoping for someone to rescue me, stopped fighting for myself so I'm just drifting, waiting the day that it all end because I'm too much of a coward to end it myself.

What's so bad about my life? I've been reminded time and time again that I'm luckier than so many people and I know that but I can't feel it. I can no longer appreciate the nice things, only focusing on the debilitating emptiness residing within me. I used to be able to cry, to release the pent up emotions but now I can't anymore, I just sit on my bed wondering when it'll all end. I can't feel people's care and love but their indifference is deafening. I can't utter the words 'I love you' because I don't mean it. I don't think I have what it takes to love someone anymore, too occupied with my own self pity and loathing. When did 'okay' become a word to escape from further questions, a lie to prevent further lying.

The final embers of hope is extinguished by the cold front coming in as I lay on my bed, wishing that sleep would take me away from the nightmare of life.