Be the change you want to be
Learn to dance in the rain
I need to change because I'm sick of being my sad pathetic self. I need to sort my crap out. I want to live again.
Faith, hope and love. The greatest of them is love.
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Your show
Just because I can laugh and give you encouragement when we talk about your woes doesn't mean that I'm fine.
If you could have just listen or read between the lines you would have known. Heck, I even told you outright once but in the end it's still your show and I'm just a loyal audience.
Did you ever consider how your words/actions might affect me? Despite being the sensitive one, are you even receptive to other people's emotion?
I can't always be the one to hear your rant and nothing else. I'm not selfless or strong enough to just give and never receive. I'm not strong enough to deal with your crap on top of mine.
Sometimes I wonder would you only notice if I hold a neon sign in front of you...
If you could have just listen or read between the lines you would have known. Heck, I even told you outright once but in the end it's still your show and I'm just a loyal audience.
Did you ever consider how your words/actions might affect me? Despite being the sensitive one, are you even receptive to other people's emotion?
I can't always be the one to hear your rant and nothing else. I'm not selfless or strong enough to just give and never receive. I'm not strong enough to deal with your crap on top of mine.
Sometimes I wonder would you only notice if I hold a neon sign in front of you...
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Self-absorbed
I feel like such a jerk today.
I am happy that he got a job, something that he wanted, something that we all wanted BUT why is there still a part of me that feels sad about it.
Is it because now I'm the only one left who feels hopeless? Is it because I'm so absorbed in hating my own crappy life that I no longer have the capacity to feel truly happy for someone else?
He was vulnerable and so was I. We connected. Now he's back to a place where he should be and I still sitting here suffocating in doom and gloom.
I checked the requirements today and I feel so despondent. Who on earth in their right mind who choose me over so many people? Time is wasting away and I'm still too hold up in my pity party to do something substantial.
It has been the only thing that I am remotely good at. If you take it away, what do I have left?
"Look for the long haul and not just concentrate on the pain you're feeling now". Problem is, I don't have faith that it'll get better.
I am happy that he got a job, something that he wanted, something that we all wanted BUT why is there still a part of me that feels sad about it.
Is it because now I'm the only one left who feels hopeless? Is it because I'm so absorbed in hating my own crappy life that I no longer have the capacity to feel truly happy for someone else?
He was vulnerable and so was I. We connected. Now he's back to a place where he should be and I still sitting here suffocating in doom and gloom.
I checked the requirements today and I feel so despondent. Who on earth in their right mind who choose me over so many people? Time is wasting away and I'm still too hold up in my pity party to do something substantial.
It has been the only thing that I am remotely good at. If you take it away, what do I have left?
"Look for the long haul and not just concentrate on the pain you're feeling now". Problem is, I don't have faith that it'll get better.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Victim
It's raining outside and the sound comforting.
Safely cocooned in my bed with thoughts I can no longer ignore.
It still hurts and the fear paralyzing. All I can do is escape so I won't have to deal with the thoughts. But it's not working anymore. I feel so much yet I am numb, a frustrating paradox.
Screw-up
Unlovable
Burden
I wonder when will it all end. when will I finish playing the role of the victim with the weapon on my hands and start my life again.
Safely cocooned in my bed with thoughts I can no longer ignore.
It still hurts and the fear paralyzing. All I can do is escape so I won't have to deal with the thoughts. But it's not working anymore. I feel so much yet I am numb, a frustrating paradox.
Screw-up
Unlovable
Burden
I wonder when will it all end. when will I finish playing the role of the victim with the weapon on my hands and start my life again.
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