Insecurities

I want to be so angry at you but I can't. I didn't exactly tell you not to divulge any information so what you did wasn't exactly wrong.However, I hoped that you registered that what I told you was and still is a sensitive issue for me and I choose to only tell the one I'm closest too or the ones that will be affected by my decisions. But then you're not a psychic so I can't expect you to read my mind. I guess I'm just a bit disappointed at how you missed the gravity of the situation because if you did then you wouldn't have done what you did.

Today I heard from my grandma utter that question I dreaded to hear. I could sense that she thought I couldn't cope with the studies but maybe that's just me being oversensitive but then again my dad's side has never been subtle. I didn't even try to argue, just nodded and let her think what she wants. I honestly think she wasn't really that bothered about me dropping out of vet school, she was just trying to make sense of this situation. She would have been happier for me to gulp down her endless supply of tea and food (like seriously, where how many tea bags does she have?!). No joke.

She always told me that one of my uncle asked her about my situation and I completely froze. I knew that one of my friends blurted that information to another friend which must have told my cousin who then relayed the information backed to her parents. If I'm being painfully honest, I don't think he asked out of genuine concern, rather he just wanted something to talk (putting it nicely here) about.

Let's just say cynicism and judgmental runs a bit rampant in some of my relatives. I told myself I wouldn't care what they think. Sure, they would blurt out some mindless hurtful comments or questions when or if we ever meet but I would just let it ricochet and smile. All the people I care about doesn't mind right so why do I have any reason to be sad about? Apparently, what I thought in my brain wasn't relaying to my heart as evident in my frozen stature after my grandma told me that my uncle asked about my situation.

I haven't told some of my friends back in Miri yet because even though I care about them I know that some of them would still throw some questions or comments that would sting my heart even though I know they don't mean it. I don't want to resent them for that because they deserve more than that for caring about me. Besides, based on how my 'wonderfully' my interview went, I'm not that confident that I'll get in to med school.

Thankfully there are some friends who sort of understands my situation and say nothing but the right words to comfort me. I think that's the only reason why I haven't went into a crazy fit yet...