The naggy one

I really don't understand why I keep trying to correct my dad's behavior. It's not like he actually listens and changes. In the end, I am the one who gets frustrated and become the bad guy, the "naggy" one.

Example scenario from tonight:

After dinner, I saw dad grabbing two apples to peel.

Me: I don't want an apple.

Dad: It's for mom and I.

Me: Mom doesn't like eating apples after dinner. You did this multiple times before and she told you that she doesn't like it.

Dad: If I peeled it then she'll has to eat it. The apples are crunchy and sweet.

Me: It's not about how good the apple taste, she's full after dinner and she doesn't want it.

Dad ignores me and keep on peeling the apple. He gave it to mom after she came downstairs.

Mom: I don't want it. I am full and I just brushed my teeth.

Dad: Eat it, it's crunchy and sweet.

Me: I told dad that you didn't want it.

Mom: Ricky, help me eat half of it.

Me: No.

Then I started to gloat/nag my dad to which he ignores and call me a nag. I started to get frustrated because I told him it would happen but he seldom listens. I vowed to myself more than once that I will not do it again but I still do it every time. The scenario frequently ends with me frustrated and snappy with him ignoring all of what I just said.

Please, I beg of myself, don't do this to yourself anymore. Let him do what he wants.

I can't start writing that freaking personal statement. Everytime I want to start it, there's a barrier and my motivations just withers like leaves in autumn. How can I convince someone else to give me a chance when I can't even convince myself to do so.

I can't do it and I'm willing to do pretty much anything else as long as they are not beneficial to avoid this.

What is my life right now? A whinny and ungrateful young adult who has pulled out of two universities. That's the freaking page that I have been stuck on for 3 months and there seems to be no way out.

I keep doubting myself and wishing that this was all a dream, and all will be well once I wake up from my deep slumber. Great, add delusional to the growing list of what's wrong with me.

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts... I am awesome. I can slay that personal statement. I am a self-aware young man. I have hope. I still have a chance.

Unhappy

I spent too much time worrying about not being happy in the future until I became unhappy in the present.

Numbing agent

For me, distractions are like analgesics, without it the pain floods in. I rather be numb than experience the self-loathing and despondency.

Oh, I know full well that distractions are just temporary relief, they don't remedy my source of pain. Moreover, I have to start facing reality without all these distractions to really start getting my life back together.

However, I got used to feeling numb and I am scared of pain. I am too cowardly to forgo my numbing agent to face my life in hopes of getting better. Watching youtube video mindlessly beats going down memory lane reliving all your failures and disappointments.

I am trying though, well at least I'm trying to try. I really want to get better, to live again and not just be numb. But everyday I wake up saying this is the day but I get lulled into my comfort zone and all is forgotten.

I am still going to try though because I know if I don't then there really is no hope of recovery, no hope of a better life.

Now, I am avoiding FB. It just hurts too much when I scroll down see my friends moving on with their lives, seemingly happy. Pictures of brunches, outings and birthday celebrations just reminds me of what I could have and what I have lost. I am too selfish now to be a good friend, I don't want to contact any of them or see how they are progressing in their life.

Being in this state really screws with my mind. I want to be happy for them, I truly do but I can't do that, at least not genuinely.

I know we all have our own hidden demons/crap in life and they might be in a similar state but I don't know what to do. How I can give comfort when I don't know what to say, when I don't want to talk, when all I want to do is watch video mindlessly and tell the world to leave me the heck alone.

Hope. I want more hope. I want to have faith again. Rediscover when I never though I was lost is hard but I better freaking do it.

2 Corinthians 1:5

For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.

A repeating cycle

Somedays I go to bed determined that tomorrow will be a good day for me, I will make sure of it. Filled with hope, I shut my eyes and dream, dream of a better tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I will be out of my slump, maybe tomorrow it will be a whole new chapter, maybe tomorrow I will paint on a new canvass, retiring the old one filled with tears.

Then I wake up, rubbing my eyes and looking at the surroundings. Same old, same old but it's a new beginning for me. I won't let life screw me over, I will fight today, beat the drum of war because I am tired of being the victim. However, as the day goes on, my conviction wanes because indeed everything is still the same.

Just because I decided to have a new beginning doesn't mean that all the suffocating baggage is gone, the issues are still there, the source of pain is still firmly lodged in my heart. I try to maintain the hope that I had gain but to no avail. By afternoon, I have become despondent and give up once again. The cycle of hate continues to swirl and manifest in my heart as the last sliver of hope disintegrates into nothingness. Once again numbness overcomes as I navigate through life, smiling when needed, spoke when asked and cry when alone.

After a few days, the surge of hope comes and the story repeats itself. In the end, I don't trust that feeling of hope anymore because only devastation and disappointments follow. Every day is not a new day just because you want it to be, standing up is not easy just because you wish it every night and persistence wanes when light fades yet again like thunder on a dark sky, a flash of hope followed by consuming darkness.

The solution seems so simple to everyone around me. Get crap together and do something, fight for yourself, stand up when you fall down, don't think negative thoughts and you'll be right as rain.

Oh how I wish you could be in my shoes, experience for a while how I feel. It's like people handing me the same manual over and over again asking me to follow it to finish the task. I followed it but the problem is still there and people keep giving me the same manual and telling me that it should work. Do you know how frustrating it is to hear the same thing repeatedly even though it is laced with good intentions? How much it hurts when I am reminded on my screwed up life since they insist the manual works but it isn't so I must be the problem as if I don't know that already.

Slumber is the only escape and thankfully for me it still comes fairly easy but I don't know how long it'll last.

Poison

Dwelling in the past is like poison to me, it turns my emotion toxic and brews a cocktail of negative crap within me.

With constant reminders of what I could have and what I had given up flashing in front of me, the path of poison is hard to evade or resist.

I had done what I thought was right, did what I could but why do I have so many regrets? I tried so freaking hard and every time my heart ends up cracked and I need to mend it back together again but it never will heal completely.

How can a person feel like crying but numb at the same time like a tap without an opening?

Wonder

Between dealing with an existential crisis and insensitive remarks, I feel like I truly have nothing left to give anymore.

I hope that after our discussion you would understand the depth of my pain, despondency and grief. The pain inflicted by successive waves of failure; the utter hopelessness I feel; the grief of what could have been and what I have become. All I ask is for you to listen.

Sometimes I wonder if you still remember what I have told you. The first few days of kisses and concerns had faded away as expected and all returned to the way it was. What do you think of me while you watch me typing on my laptop with a neutral expression on my face? Do you think that I'm okay or would I need to display the remnant of my cracked heart for you to know just how "okay" I was?

You said not to be pessimistic, not to overthink and not to dwell in the past. Would I even been in this situation if I could do any of these with a snap of my fingers? With my heart poured out, I wonder do you truly listen to my plea because if you did then you would know I tried and I'm fatigued.

How simple do you think the mind is? Is it a switch button? Does it function with an erasable script? Though the same could be applied to you. Watching you playing Candy C on your tablet and chomping away on snacks, maybe you are hiding your frustration and sadness that your failure of a son has caused you.

Drowning out all the negative thoughts in my mind is getting harder everyday. Sometimes I don't even recognise who I have become and I don't know where to go on from there.

All I can do is hope but how can you hope when there is no faith?