Failure

I can't believe once again I'm back to this dark place. The crossroad of choices littered with shards of regret and dread. I never thought I would be back here again, heart bleeding and head throbbing but isn't life hilarious.

Let's add another failure into my list, I seem to be collecting them quite often nowadays, wonder if I can get a bingo soon.

"Hey, I got bingo. 5 failure here. What prizes can I get? No, I already have low self-esteem and self-doubt. Can I get despondency now? I'll save apathy for the next bingo."

I didn't think my heart could shatter more but apparently I was wrong.

This made me wonder though, maybe I am the problem. Maybe I really am that screwed up.

There's only so many times that I can tell myself that 'it's going to be fine' before I stop believing in it as my heart is still cracking.

People dust themselves and stand up when they fall. Me? I weep and escape into my own world to distract from the pain. Anything, anything to block out the flooding thoughts of 'you're so useless', 'created to fail', 'you are just a burden' and most importantly 'life has no hope' which has become the revolving theme of my life.

Rationally I understand what I should do but I can't act it out. Do you think I like mulling over how sucky my situation is instead of using this time to better myself? Do you think I don't want to get better and stop thinking that my life is worthless? The most frustrating part is I want to help myself but all I can do is be numb or suffer the pain.

My friends are moving on with their lives and me, I'm not even stationary, I'm walking backwards. It hurts not walking with them.

Phrases like 'everything is going to be fine', 'just pray' and 'don't be sad' are thrown at me in effort to cheer me up but they are as ineffective as oil for a fire extinguisher.

HOW DO YOU KNOW EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE? CAN YOU GIVE ME A GUARANTEE? CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT I WON'T FEEL THE NEED TO CHANT IN MY HEAD REGARDING REASONS NOT TO OFF MYSELF EVER AGAIN? CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT HOPE WILL COME AND I WILL RETURN TO ANY RESEMBLANCE OF FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING?

I just don't want to hurt anymore. It hurts over and over again and I don't know how long I can take it.

My faith is shaken, my hope has left and love forgotten.

It's been a while

This page almost looks foreign, like a land that I was responsible for but instead I let it run wild or in this case, left it barren.

That didn't mean I stopped writing my feelings down because that is still the only way I know how to best express my emotions...lately it has been a freaking heck of a roller coaster ride.

I bought a new journal but after a few logs, I left it yet again because why write it when I can escape it... Escape from everything that surrounds me...I've grown dangerously capable of escaping from reality and that just serves the propel myself down further into this spiral. I just can't stop. Worst it, I don't even bother to try.

I often wonder, why did God choose someone else better to take my place. Someone more capable and better. Better for the world and the people surrounding him/her. But that is just useless right since I'm already here? I am so screwed that I don't know where to begin repairing. So in the end, I just sit there, walking through life like a lost survivor on sea holding onto a plank. Going in the motion of the waves, with no fight inside me and no hope in my sight. I don't think I'm even a survivor. I'm just hanging on because I have to right?

You could have created someone better but instead you got me. Why?

I don't know what to do besides holding on because that's what I should do....but what I want to do? I don't even know. That's the scariest part.

I'm not close to blowing off the fire of the burning wick that is my life but I am questioning for what purpose am I burning for and why me.

Regrets after regrets, living in the past. When am I going to be strong enough to let it stop?

Too fast too young

They say we were both too young,
That love was complicated,
What we have was just infatuation,
Fueled by our teenage hormones.

All the comments flew by us,
We just smiled and walked away,
They don't know what we have,
But one day they would know.

That was what I believed anyways,
We were going to last the distances,
Until one day you said those words,
That was the first time my heart broke.

Was it true it was too fast too young,
But I felt like we were it,
That we were going to win the race,
A band on our finger as a proof.

My happiness

I seemed to be sighing quite a lot these days. Life is a lot less cheerful and dull has become the revolving theme in my life.
The thirst for knowledge is absent in me so I don't find great joy in learning new information. Is it interesting? Some are. Most are just chores for me do so I can complete the path I have chosen, tis is the my life of a medical student.

I see some of my uni mates, slaving the whole day away revising and flipping textbooks the size of a small hybrid car for more information. Me? After lecture, I go back to my cramped safe haven and indulge myself in some 'me time' as a reward for attending lectures. I can waste my precious time away looking at videos and threads that would bring no benefit whatsoever into my life, except maybe eliciting a chuckle here and there which is rare these days. If I am feeling particularly motivated, perhaps some notes would be taken out and stared at though the mind has flown to places where the eyes have never seen.

After an hour or two of 'studying', I will switch off the lights, tuck myself into my bed and think 'where has my life gone by?'

The next morning, I will rise up, close the alarm and the routine starts all over again.

Sometimes I wonder where would my life be if I was a different person. If I was born in a different country, raised with different values and receiving a different kind of education, would I be happier? An irrational question I am sure but it gives me some comfort that maybe, in some parallel universe (if there ever is one), "I" could lead a fulfilling life. A happy one.

The revolving theme seems to my happiness and for that I am ashamed because where is God in the picture? Should not He be the center of it all?

A reason to live. A passion worth fighting for. A dream to realize.

Envy

I'm envious of those people who are able to study what they are passionate about. I can only imagine the joy of studying something that interests you so much that it doesn't even seem like a chore.

I'm still finding something I am fervently passionate about while coasting through the stormy sea that is med school.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to the crossroads in life where I had to make a big decision, maybe I would have been better off taking the other route. Would that Ricky be happier or worse?

Ah people, heed my warning, choose how you use your second chances wisely if you have one, don't become like me.

Farewell

I'm not good with farewells or goodbyes. Today my brother had to go back to Perth and I dreaded the scene in the airport. I knew my mom would be teary eyed and my dad stoically silent. Me, I act aloof.

Why?

Because they hurt. You feel a gap has been created and the sorrow that comes with it.Then you feel the longing for it to be full again. I am not good with emotional pain so I act, put on a mask to escape from it all.

I guess I forgot how much I miss my whole family together. We were complete, slightly dysfunctional but hey, we make it work. I guess the impact is more this time because normally it would be me and him going back together but now I'm stuck here so he's going back to Perth alone.

Farewell sucks.

Rainy season

Today is the last day of 2013 which also means rainy season has begun and by the sound of the rain droplets pelting the window, the rainy season kicked off with a bang.

I've been back home for more than 2 weeks and I dread going back to Johor, I really do. I still doubt my decision of going into med school willingly, I mean what the heck were you thinking Ricky...

I'll be having my second major exam next Thursday and Friday and I haven't even started revision yet. I'm so screwed. I just don't have the motivation to start studying and I just want to relax before going back to the torturous and mundane schedule of going to lectures and coming back to do revision (ha! Like I ever do revision -.-). Life have to be more than this right?

Sometimes I blame God for letting me get into med school because if I didn't, I'll probably be doing bachelor of science and I could have explored my interest using that degree instead of pigeon-holing myself into the medical profession.

But I'm here to stay. My parents have been gracious enough to let me change once, if I do it the second time, I might as well hand them the knife they are going to butcher me with. To be honest, if I were of a well off family, I would have pull out of med school long ago and go into a science degree with an undeclared major so I can pursue my interest.

My naive hope of becoming a doctor to help alleviate pain seems to be further away from me as the days go by. I feel like I'm at the crossroad again but this time, I only have one choice, to go on.

I guess it's rainy season in my heart as well.