Lyrics of I

I hate it when I feel like this,
Like everything is flying by,
I want to move,
I want to run,
But nothing is happening,
I can just only stand and stare.

Filled with lies of the world,
Thought this would be my dream by now,
But why do I feel like it's a nightmare,
Wake up please,
I had enough of this of this scream and shout,
I don't think I can do this anymore.

Losing the comfort of denial,
Filled myself up with illusions,
It won't ever get better,
So no more lies to myself,
No more wishing upon a star,
That's just a beautiful lie,

My life is no a movie,
This is not just a bump,
On the road with a happy song,
What went wrong in the path,
Where did I get lost,
And how do I find my way back.

Soulmate

When did I become so eager,
To find the other part of me,
Walking in down life's road,
Do you think about me too?

Maybe we'll meet soon,
On one autumn's day,
Bumping each other,
With a cup of green tea latte.

I want someone who's mine,
Mine to hold and love,
To go above and beyond,
Just for a smile that lights up my world.


To have meaningless fight,
But only to reconcile the other day,
To smell waffles wafting through the air,
Smiling knowing that Ill will be taken care of.

Someone to surprise with a box of chocolates,
Or just a card that shows my love,
Knowing being with you is one of the greatest gift,
That God bestowed upon us besides His one and only son.

Am I ready for this,
Doubts are on my mind,
But I can't wait to meet,
My soulmate if there ever is one.

Apology

Did I disappoint you with my silence,
Or did you even notice,
Was my absence a puzzle,
Or was it just a menial part of life.

Friends do come and go,
I suppose that's who we are,
Once I thought we could be more,
Then change occurred.

I hope you are happier now,
Striving for your dreams,
I don't think you ever needed me,
As your friend or more than that.

I wonder if you kept the gift I gave,
Remember the moments we shared,
Before it all went down crashing,
After an airplane ride.

I guess my love is fickle,
Or was it even love,
Maybe I just needed a friend,
You were the best one then.

I haven't heard your voice in a while,
But I guess I don't deserve to anyway,
Now there's another one like me,
But I hope he treats you better.

I'm sorry for all the lost chances,
The fight that I gave up,
Would you accept my apology,
Or do you even need it?

Reveal

Pull down your mask,
Strip away your facade,
The show has finished,
Don't need to pretend anymore.

Clear the mist of lies,
It's not of use anymore,
They already know,
Who you really are.

It was all your fault,
You were the problem,
You knew this would happen,
If you revealed your true self.

Now its time for the last bow,
Save the tears for yourselves,
The audience has gone,
With all the love they gave you.

Romance? Love?

I wanted to write this during Valentine's day but then my mind was else where as you could see by my previous post.

I'm going to be 20 this year. 20!! Gosh I'm old...

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, mostly story involving romance. That's not new though since I've always been interested in those.

People like readings stories about what is missing in their lives. I remember vividly as I first saw this in an Archie comic book.
I wonder if it is true?

I'm at the age where most of my peers are dating or at least have dated. Me, well I'm happily single. Well, I think I'm happily single.

I like reading romance novel because truthfully, it is so sweet. Sure there are conflicts but in the end (normally except when you are reading Nicholas Spark's books though)there is a happy ending, a sweet victory for love. You get to be a spectator in witnessing other's journey for their other half and for me, that's very intriguing makes my heart melt in a gooey happy kind of way.

I see my friends around me, in their conquest of love, whether they are dating or pursuing someone. I admire their tenacity and most importantly their courage to take this leap of faith to trust the other with their heart. Their tone when they are talking about that person, the emoticons that they put in their sentences regarding that person, the way they blush, they seem to be immerse in their own world, albeit a small world of two but I have a feeling no one would complain.

To tell the truth I have never felt so strongly about anyone before like my friends had. Sure I had crushes but they were so much less intense than the ones my friends experience. I don't dream about them, I don't have the urge to talk to them after school, I don't grin like a love struck idiot when I think about that person. Told you, just small ones.

The only one time that I felt that my crush was different than the other was when I was 15. The girl whom I liked was going away to another country and I felt really sad. Well, the intensity of the sadness actually surprised me but then it wasn't like I was crying or depressed, just moderately sad, like someone banned me from eating ice cream for a month kind of sad. Before she left, I gave her a key chain shaped like a heart with a four leaf clover inside it. I think wrapped it in my confession letter but I forgot if I really wrote down I liked her a lot in that letter. That was the only one I felt the closest of falling in love.

Then again, I got used to her absence and I didn't cry or anything. I missed her a great deal though but it was like I was losing a great friend rather than my other half.

Here I hear my friend talking about their crushes and it sank it. "Oh, it is how crushes worked?" Because the way they described was so much more intense that I felt, more urgent, more eagerness oozing out of their words. I don't think it was lust, I think it was love, albeit I'm still not that sure what kind of love it was but it heck wasn't the love I've felt before.

I know reading too much romantic novels is a bad thing because it fills you up with ridiculous ideas of love and romance. No one can be perfect and no one knows about all the right things to do. Even so I still find myself deeply immersed in this illusion, not wanting to break free.

Love...

First day of Vet orientation

"I'm so happy to see all of you. All of you deserved to be here."

Pang. As soon as I heard those words, my heart felt something. I needed that. That boost of confidence. That word of acknowledgement . Most importantly, I just wanted acceptance...from myself.

I often wonder if I was given a cheat code in life. A shooting star that actually made your dream come true. I'd close my eyes and wished with my heart screaming out 'I want to become a vet!" God heard me and he gave me my wish.

I feel like I was given an expensive car but I didn't know how to drive that well. Going into vet was the car and I'm not sure if I can handle it.

When they gave us the talk, I felt so stressed and just out of place. Did they really expect so much out of me, a simple kid from a small town of Miri to be competent enough to satisfy their demands?

But as soon as I walked in the vet clinic, something in my head clicked. No, it wasn't the sense of belonging, it was something stronger than that. I felt like I could do it, somehow seeing the future ahead of me, I believed that I could achieve it. I was sure going to work my butt off the get there, treacherous journey I know but knowing the view, how could I not give it a chance?


However as soon as the dedication came, it went away like the tide being sucked in just before a Tsunami. It was gone.

I look at all the brilliant people surrounding me and something whispered in my mind, "Do you really think you belong here?"

I walked away with everyone after it ended but I still don't know if we are going in the same direction.

Missed Paths

What if I didn't go to Canning College and went to A levels instead? Where would this path lead me? To the UK where I always wanted to visit and be happier than I am now? Or would I still be in Australia because my brother is there? Would I have made more friends if I took this path? Would those friends be better than the friends that I made in Perth?

What if I went to New Zealand instead? Would I end up in the same course that I'm doing right now? I know at least in New Zealand there is no scorching hot summer. Maybe I would become a teacher instead?

What is will all this thought about the paths that I missed. Is it ungrateful and selfish for me to think about this even though my life is Perth is good? Maybe that good isn't what I expected. Did I expected better?