A repeating cycle

Somedays I go to bed determined that tomorrow will be a good day for me, I will make sure of it. Filled with hope, I shut my eyes and dream, dream of a better tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I will be out of my slump, maybe tomorrow it will be a whole new chapter, maybe tomorrow I will paint on a new canvass, retiring the old one filled with tears.

Then I wake up, rubbing my eyes and looking at the surroundings. Same old, same old but it's a new beginning for me. I won't let life screw me over, I will fight today, beat the drum of war because I am tired of being the victim. However, as the day goes on, my conviction wanes because indeed everything is still the same.

Just because I decided to have a new beginning doesn't mean that all the suffocating baggage is gone, the issues are still there, the source of pain is still firmly lodged in my heart. I try to maintain the hope that I had gain but to no avail. By afternoon, I have become despondent and give up once again. The cycle of hate continues to swirl and manifest in my heart as the last sliver of hope disintegrates into nothingness. Once again numbness overcomes as I navigate through life, smiling when needed, spoke when asked and cry when alone.

After a few days, the surge of hope comes and the story repeats itself. In the end, I don't trust that feeling of hope anymore because only devastation and disappointments follow. Every day is not a new day just because you want it to be, standing up is not easy just because you wish it every night and persistence wanes when light fades yet again like thunder on a dark sky, a flash of hope followed by consuming darkness.

The solution seems so simple to everyone around me. Get crap together and do something, fight for yourself, stand up when you fall down, don't think negative thoughts and you'll be right as rain.

Oh how I wish you could be in my shoes, experience for a while how I feel. It's like people handing me the same manual over and over again asking me to follow it to finish the task. I followed it but the problem is still there and people keep giving me the same manual and telling me that it should work. Do you know how frustrating it is to hear the same thing repeatedly even though it is laced with good intentions? How much it hurts when I am reminded on my screwed up life since they insist the manual works but it isn't so I must be the problem as if I don't know that already.

Slumber is the only escape and thankfully for me it still comes fairly easy but I don't know how long it'll last.

Poison

Dwelling in the past is like poison to me, it turns my emotion toxic and brews a cocktail of negative crap within me.

With constant reminders of what I could have and what I had given up flashing in front of me, the path of poison is hard to evade or resist.

I had done what I thought was right, did what I could but why do I have so many regrets? I tried so freaking hard and every time my heart ends up cracked and I need to mend it back together again but it never will heal completely.

How can a person feel like crying but numb at the same time like a tap without an opening?

Wonder

Between dealing with an existential crisis and insensitive remarks, I feel like I truly have nothing left to give anymore.

I hope that after our discussion you would understand the depth of my pain, despondency and grief. The pain inflicted by successive waves of failure; the utter hopelessness I feel; the grief of what could have been and what I have become. All I ask is for you to listen.

Sometimes I wonder if you still remember what I have told you. The first few days of kisses and concerns had faded away as expected and all returned to the way it was. What do you think of me while you watch me typing on my laptop with a neutral expression on my face? Do you think that I'm okay or would I need to display the remnant of my cracked heart for you to know just how "okay" I was?

You said not to be pessimistic, not to overthink and not to dwell in the past. Would I even been in this situation if I could do any of these with a snap of my fingers? With my heart poured out, I wonder do you truly listen to my plea because if you did then you would know I tried and I'm fatigued.

How simple do you think the mind is? Is it a switch button? Does it function with an erasable script? Though the same could be applied to you. Watching you playing Candy C on your tablet and chomping away on snacks, maybe you are hiding your frustration and sadness that your failure of a son has caused you.

Drowning out all the negative thoughts in my mind is getting harder everyday. Sometimes I don't even recognise who I have become and I don't know where to go on from there.

All I can do is hope but how can you hope when there is no faith?

Advice

Hearing sobs over the phone and the hiccups in between, I race to find any comforting words that would ease the pain.

I don't know what I can say or do to make it all better. Can I even make it all better for you?

Your confusion, desolation and desperation relays back to me and I struggle to find any comforting words because I know there is only so much that I can do.

Put myself in your shoes and all I would want is wail and hate the world, no words could offer me comfort, at least no at that state.

Are you the same?

I hope I said what you wanted to hear but most of all, I wished I had been the ear you needed.

Change

Be the change you want to be

Learn to dance in the rain

I need to change because I'm sick of being my sad pathetic self. I need to sort my crap out. I want to live again.

Faith, hope and love. The greatest of them is love.

Your show

Just because I can laugh and give you encouragement when we talk about your woes doesn't mean that I'm fine.

If you could have just listen or read between the lines you would have known. Heck, I even told you outright once but in the end it's still your show and I'm just a loyal audience.

Did you ever consider how your words/actions might affect me? Despite being the sensitive one, are you even receptive to other people's emotion?

I can't always be the one to hear your rant and nothing else. I'm not selfless or strong enough to just give and never receive. I'm not strong enough to deal with your crap on top of mine.

Sometimes I wonder would you only notice if I hold a neon sign in front of you...

Self-absorbed

I feel like such a jerk today.

I am happy that he got a job, something that he wanted, something that we all wanted BUT why is there still a part of me that feels sad about it.

Is it because now I'm the only one left who feels hopeless? Is it because I'm so absorbed in hating my own crappy life that I no longer have the capacity to feel truly happy for someone else?

He was vulnerable and so was I. We connected. Now he's back to a place where he should be and I still sitting here suffocating in doom and gloom.

I checked the requirements today and I feel so despondent. Who on earth in their right mind who choose me over so many people? Time is wasting away and I'm still too hold up in my pity party to do something substantial.

It has been the only thing that I am remotely good at. If you take it away, what do I have left?

"Look for the long haul and not just concentrate on the pain you're feeling now". Problem is, I don't have faith that it'll get better.