Be the change you want to be
Learn to dance in the rain
I need to change because I'm sick of being my sad pathetic self. I need to sort my crap out. I want to live again.
Faith, hope and love. The greatest of them is love.
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Your show
Just because I can laugh and give you encouragement when we talk about your woes doesn't mean that I'm fine.
If you could have just listen or read between the lines you would have known. Heck, I even told you outright once but in the end it's still your show and I'm just a loyal audience.
Did you ever consider how your words/actions might affect me? Despite being the sensitive one, are you even receptive to other people's emotion?
I can't always be the one to hear your rant and nothing else. I'm not selfless or strong enough to just give and never receive. I'm not strong enough to deal with your crap on top of mine.
Sometimes I wonder would you only notice if I hold a neon sign in front of you...
If you could have just listen or read between the lines you would have known. Heck, I even told you outright once but in the end it's still your show and I'm just a loyal audience.
Did you ever consider how your words/actions might affect me? Despite being the sensitive one, are you even receptive to other people's emotion?
I can't always be the one to hear your rant and nothing else. I'm not selfless or strong enough to just give and never receive. I'm not strong enough to deal with your crap on top of mine.
Sometimes I wonder would you only notice if I hold a neon sign in front of you...
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Self-absorbed
I feel like such a jerk today.
I am happy that he got a job, something that he wanted, something that we all wanted BUT why is there still a part of me that feels sad about it.
Is it because now I'm the only one left who feels hopeless? Is it because I'm so absorbed in hating my own crappy life that I no longer have the capacity to feel truly happy for someone else?
He was vulnerable and so was I. We connected. Now he's back to a place where he should be and I still sitting here suffocating in doom and gloom.
I checked the requirements today and I feel so despondent. Who on earth in their right mind who choose me over so many people? Time is wasting away and I'm still too hold up in my pity party to do something substantial.
It has been the only thing that I am remotely good at. If you take it away, what do I have left?
"Look for the long haul and not just concentrate on the pain you're feeling now". Problem is, I don't have faith that it'll get better.
I am happy that he got a job, something that he wanted, something that we all wanted BUT why is there still a part of me that feels sad about it.
Is it because now I'm the only one left who feels hopeless? Is it because I'm so absorbed in hating my own crappy life that I no longer have the capacity to feel truly happy for someone else?
He was vulnerable and so was I. We connected. Now he's back to a place where he should be and I still sitting here suffocating in doom and gloom.
I checked the requirements today and I feel so despondent. Who on earth in their right mind who choose me over so many people? Time is wasting away and I'm still too hold up in my pity party to do something substantial.
It has been the only thing that I am remotely good at. If you take it away, what do I have left?
"Look for the long haul and not just concentrate on the pain you're feeling now". Problem is, I don't have faith that it'll get better.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Victim
It's raining outside and the sound comforting.
Safely cocooned in my bed with thoughts I can no longer ignore.
It still hurts and the fear paralyzing. All I can do is escape so I won't have to deal with the thoughts. But it's not working anymore. I feel so much yet I am numb, a frustrating paradox.
Screw-up
Unlovable
Burden
I wonder when will it all end. when will I finish playing the role of the victim with the weapon on my hands and start my life again.
Safely cocooned in my bed with thoughts I can no longer ignore.
It still hurts and the fear paralyzing. All I can do is escape so I won't have to deal with the thoughts. But it's not working anymore. I feel so much yet I am numb, a frustrating paradox.
Screw-up
Unlovable
Burden
I wonder when will it all end. when will I finish playing the role of the victim with the weapon on my hands and start my life again.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Failure
I can't believe once again I'm back to this dark place. The crossroad of choices littered with shards of regret and dread. I never thought I would be back here again, heart bleeding and head throbbing but isn't life hilarious.
Let's add another failure into my list, I seem to be collecting them quite often nowadays, wonder if I can get a bingo soon.
"Hey, I got bingo. 5 failure here. What prizes can I get? No, I already have low self-esteem and self-doubt. Can I get despondency now? I'll save apathy for the next bingo."
I didn't think my heart could shatter more but apparently I was wrong.
This made me wonder though, maybe I am the problem. Maybe I really am that screwed up.
There's only so many times that I can tell myself that 'it's going to be fine' before I stop believing in it as my heart is still cracking.
People dust themselves and stand up when they fall. Me? I weep and escape into my own world to distract from the pain. Anything, anything to block out the flooding thoughts of 'you're so useless', 'created to fail', 'you are just a burden' and most importantly 'life has no hope' which has become the revolving theme of my life.
Rationally I understand what I should do but I can't act it out. Do you think I like mulling over how sucky my situation is instead of using this time to better myself? Do you think I don't want to get better and stop thinking that my life is worthless? The most frustrating part is I want to help myself but all I can do is be numb or suffer the pain.
My friends are moving on with their lives and me, I'm not even stationary, I'm walking backwards. It hurts not walking with them.
Phrases like 'everything is going to be fine', 'just pray' and 'don't be sad' are thrown at me in effort to cheer me up but they are as ineffective as oil for a fire extinguisher.
HOW DO YOU KNOW EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE? CAN YOU GIVE ME A GUARANTEE? CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT I WON'T FEEL THE NEED TO CHANT IN MY HEAD REGARDING REASONS NOT TO OFF MYSELF EVER AGAIN? CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT HOPE WILL COME AND I WILL RETURN TO ANY RESEMBLANCE OF FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING?
I just don't want to hurt anymore. It hurts over and over again and I don't know how long I can take it.
My faith is shaken, my hope has left and love forgotten.
Let's add another failure into my list, I seem to be collecting them quite often nowadays, wonder if I can get a bingo soon.
"Hey, I got bingo. 5 failure here. What prizes can I get? No, I already have low self-esteem and self-doubt. Can I get despondency now? I'll save apathy for the next bingo."
I didn't think my heart could shatter more but apparently I was wrong.
This made me wonder though, maybe I am the problem. Maybe I really am that screwed up.
There's only so many times that I can tell myself that 'it's going to be fine' before I stop believing in it as my heart is still cracking.
People dust themselves and stand up when they fall. Me? I weep and escape into my own world to distract from the pain. Anything, anything to block out the flooding thoughts of 'you're so useless', 'created to fail', 'you are just a burden' and most importantly 'life has no hope' which has become the revolving theme of my life.
Rationally I understand what I should do but I can't act it out. Do you think I like mulling over how sucky my situation is instead of using this time to better myself? Do you think I don't want to get better and stop thinking that my life is worthless? The most frustrating part is I want to help myself but all I can do is be numb or suffer the pain.
My friends are moving on with their lives and me, I'm not even stationary, I'm walking backwards. It hurts not walking with them.
Phrases like 'everything is going to be fine', 'just pray' and 'don't be sad' are thrown at me in effort to cheer me up but they are as ineffective as oil for a fire extinguisher.
HOW DO YOU KNOW EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE? CAN YOU GIVE ME A GUARANTEE? CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT I WON'T FEEL THE NEED TO CHANT IN MY HEAD REGARDING REASONS NOT TO OFF MYSELF EVER AGAIN? CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT HOPE WILL COME AND I WILL RETURN TO ANY RESEMBLANCE OF FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING?
I just don't want to hurt anymore. It hurts over and over again and I don't know how long I can take it.
My faith is shaken, my hope has left and love forgotten.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
It's been a while
This page almost looks foreign, like a land that I was responsible for but instead I let it run wild or in this case, left it barren.
That didn't mean I stopped writing my feelings down because that is still the only way I know how to best express my emotions...lately it has been a freaking heck of a roller coaster ride.
I bought a new journal but after a few logs, I left it yet again because why write it when I can escape it... Escape from everything that surrounds me...I've grown dangerously capable of escaping from reality and that just serves the propel myself down further into this spiral. I just can't stop. Worst it, I don't even bother to try.
I often wonder, why did God choose someone else better to take my place. Someone more capable and better. Better for the world and the people surrounding him/her. But that is just useless right since I'm already here? I am so screwed that I don't know where to begin repairing. So in the end, I just sit there, walking through life like a lost survivor on sea holding onto a plank. Going in the motion of the waves, with no fight inside me and no hope in my sight. I don't think I'm even a survivor. I'm just hanging on because I have to right?
You could have created someone better but instead you got me. Why?
I don't know what to do besides holding on because that's what I should do....but what I want to do? I don't even know. That's the scariest part.
I'm not close to blowing off the fire of the burning wick that is my life but I am questioning for what purpose am I burning for and why me.
Regrets after regrets, living in the past. When am I going to be strong enough to let it stop?
That didn't mean I stopped writing my feelings down because that is still the only way I know how to best express my emotions...lately it has been a freaking heck of a roller coaster ride.
I bought a new journal but after a few logs, I left it yet again because why write it when I can escape it... Escape from everything that surrounds me...I've grown dangerously capable of escaping from reality and that just serves the propel myself down further into this spiral. I just can't stop. Worst it, I don't even bother to try.
I often wonder, why did God choose someone else better to take my place. Someone more capable and better. Better for the world and the people surrounding him/her. But that is just useless right since I'm already here? I am so screwed that I don't know where to begin repairing. So in the end, I just sit there, walking through life like a lost survivor on sea holding onto a plank. Going in the motion of the waves, with no fight inside me and no hope in my sight. I don't think I'm even a survivor. I'm just hanging on because I have to right?
You could have created someone better but instead you got me. Why?
I don't know what to do besides holding on because that's what I should do....but what I want to do? I don't even know. That's the scariest part.
I'm not close to blowing off the fire of the burning wick that is my life but I am questioning for what purpose am I burning for and why me.
Regrets after regrets, living in the past. When am I going to be strong enough to let it stop?
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