Farewell

I'm not good with farewells or goodbyes. Today my brother had to go back to Perth and I dreaded the scene in the airport. I knew my mom would be teary eyed and my dad stoically silent. Me, I act aloof.

Why?

Because they hurt. You feel a gap has been created and the sorrow that comes with it.Then you feel the longing for it to be full again. I am not good with emotional pain so I act, put on a mask to escape from it all.

I guess I forgot how much I miss my whole family together. We were complete, slightly dysfunctional but hey, we make it work. I guess the impact is more this time because normally it would be me and him going back together but now I'm stuck here so he's going back to Perth alone.

Farewell sucks.

Rainy season

Today is the last day of 2013 which also means rainy season has begun and by the sound of the rain droplets pelting the window, the rainy season kicked off with a bang.

I've been back home for more than 2 weeks and I dread going back to Johor, I really do. I still doubt my decision of going into med school willingly, I mean what the heck were you thinking Ricky...

I'll be having my second major exam next Thursday and Friday and I haven't even started revision yet. I'm so screwed. I just don't have the motivation to start studying and I just want to relax before going back to the torturous and mundane schedule of going to lectures and coming back to do revision (ha! Like I ever do revision -.-). Life have to be more than this right?

Sometimes I blame God for letting me get into med school because if I didn't, I'll probably be doing bachelor of science and I could have explored my interest using that degree instead of pigeon-holing myself into the medical profession.

But I'm here to stay. My parents have been gracious enough to let me change once, if I do it the second time, I might as well hand them the knife they are going to butcher me with. To be honest, if I were of a well off family, I would have pull out of med school long ago and go into a science degree with an undeclared major so I can pursue my interest.

My naive hope of becoming a doctor to help alleviate pain seems to be further away from me as the days go by. I feel like I'm at the crossroad again but this time, I only have one choice, to go on.

I guess it's rainy season in my heart as well.

Idiot

I finished my assignment 2 today so I was in high spirits!

However, later at night, I thought about my assignment and got worried. What the heck did I write? I felt like my attempt was quite weak but it was the best I could do. Suddenly, I felt like a major idiot. The feeling of dread washed over me and my good mood was instantly killed.

I think a lot of times when we look back, we'll think to ourselves 'Oh my gosh, I was such an idiot.' At least I do.

I don't want to have regrets about my life decisions but sometimes I still do. That's really frustrating and I just wish there is some fool proof plan of not becoming an idiot.

My plan? Screw everything, since you are going to be an idiot, might as well be the biggest one. See, there goes me, being an idiot again... *Sigh*

Regrets?

My brother recently went to Melbourne for the 2013 Lifegame camp.

To tell the truth I was really envious of him. I always wanted to explore but he was the one who always went to places. Worst it, I knew that if I had stayed in Perth, I would have been able to go to...

More often than not, I'll feel a surge of regret for leaving Perth. I thought about all the hardships I've been through the first year of university and I threw that all away for what, the idealistic notion of helping people by being a doctor? Sometimes I wonder what is going inside my brain, what gave me the courage to leave behind everything I had in Perth to come back here.

I should have chosen to study UWA instead or just took on the offer from ANU for law. Maybe my life would be different, maybe it could be better than all the crap I'm dealing with. I never knew how much this could affect me until now. I just could not see myself studying vet anymore and felt like I had to go off on that boat. I just hope that my decision was mostly what God wanted to happen.

Regrets, I'm filled with them but I guess that just makes me a human huh.

Wonder

There comes a time where everything around you just stops and you wonder life's big questions.

What am I doing with my life?

What path am I on right now?

How is my future going to look like?

Am I happy with my life right now?

Who am I?

Normally I won't think about these questions but sometimes, they just hit me and I am forced to lay down, staring at the ceiling and pondering about the answers to those questions.

I have a lot of flaws that needs fixing, a lot of clutter in my life and not a lot of selfless love. I want to be a better person, a better Christian, a better me.

Sometimes I think the sacrifice is too much but how would it compare to what God did for us?

That's the frustrating/fantastic part, it can't.

Oh my brain, stop ye wondering because I need some sleep!