Lyrics of I

I hate it when I feel like this,
Like everything is flying by,
I want to move,
I want to run,
But nothing is happening,
I can just only stand and stare.

Filled with lies of the world,
Thought this would be my dream by now,
But why do I feel like it's a nightmare,
Wake up please,
I had enough of this of this scream and shout,
I don't think I can do this anymore.

Losing the comfort of denial,
Filled myself up with illusions,
It won't ever get better,
So no more lies to myself,
No more wishing upon a star,
That's just a beautiful lie,

My life is no a movie,
This is not just a bump,
On the road with a happy song,
What went wrong in the path,
Where did I get lost,
And how do I find my way back.

Soulmate

When did I become so eager,
To find the other part of me,
Walking in down life's road,
Do you think about me too?

Maybe we'll meet soon,
On one autumn's day,
Bumping each other,
With a cup of green tea latte.

I want someone who's mine,
Mine to hold and love,
To go above and beyond,
Just for a smile that lights up my world.


To have meaningless fight,
But only to reconcile the other day,
To smell waffles wafting through the air,
Smiling knowing that Ill will be taken care of.

Someone to surprise with a box of chocolates,
Or just a card that shows my love,
Knowing being with you is one of the greatest gift,
That God bestowed upon us besides His one and only son.

Am I ready for this,
Doubts are on my mind,
But I can't wait to meet,
My soulmate if there ever is one.

Apology

Did I disappoint you with my silence,
Or did you even notice,
Was my absence a puzzle,
Or was it just a menial part of life.

Friends do come and go,
I suppose that's who we are,
Once I thought we could be more,
Then change occurred.

I hope you are happier now,
Striving for your dreams,
I don't think you ever needed me,
As your friend or more than that.

I wonder if you kept the gift I gave,
Remember the moments we shared,
Before it all went down crashing,
After an airplane ride.

I guess my love is fickle,
Or was it even love,
Maybe I just needed a friend,
You were the best one then.

I haven't heard your voice in a while,
But I guess I don't deserve to anyway,
Now there's another one like me,
But I hope he treats you better.

I'm sorry for all the lost chances,
The fight that I gave up,
Would you accept my apology,
Or do you even need it?

Reveal

Pull down your mask,
Strip away your facade,
The show has finished,
Don't need to pretend anymore.

Clear the mist of lies,
It's not of use anymore,
They already know,
Who you really are.

It was all your fault,
You were the problem,
You knew this would happen,
If you revealed your true self.

Now its time for the last bow,
Save the tears for yourselves,
The audience has gone,
With all the love they gave you.

Romance? Love?

I wanted to write this during Valentine's day but then my mind was else where as you could see by my previous post.

I'm going to be 20 this year. 20!! Gosh I'm old...

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, mostly story involving romance. That's not new though since I've always been interested in those.

People like readings stories about what is missing in their lives. I remember vividly as I first saw this in an Archie comic book.
I wonder if it is true?

I'm at the age where most of my peers are dating or at least have dated. Me, well I'm happily single. Well, I think I'm happily single.

I like reading romance novel because truthfully, it is so sweet. Sure there are conflicts but in the end (normally except when you are reading Nicholas Spark's books though)there is a happy ending, a sweet victory for love. You get to be a spectator in witnessing other's journey for their other half and for me, that's very intriguing makes my heart melt in a gooey happy kind of way.

I see my friends around me, in their conquest of love, whether they are dating or pursuing someone. I admire their tenacity and most importantly their courage to take this leap of faith to trust the other with their heart. Their tone when they are talking about that person, the emoticons that they put in their sentences regarding that person, the way they blush, they seem to be immerse in their own world, albeit a small world of two but I have a feeling no one would complain.

To tell the truth I have never felt so strongly about anyone before like my friends had. Sure I had crushes but they were so much less intense than the ones my friends experience. I don't dream about them, I don't have the urge to talk to them after school, I don't grin like a love struck idiot when I think about that person. Told you, just small ones.

The only one time that I felt that my crush was different than the other was when I was 15. The girl whom I liked was going away to another country and I felt really sad. Well, the intensity of the sadness actually surprised me but then it wasn't like I was crying or depressed, just moderately sad, like someone banned me from eating ice cream for a month kind of sad. Before she left, I gave her a key chain shaped like a heart with a four leaf clover inside it. I think wrapped it in my confession letter but I forgot if I really wrote down I liked her a lot in that letter. That was the only one I felt the closest of falling in love.

Then again, I got used to her absence and I didn't cry or anything. I missed her a great deal though but it was like I was losing a great friend rather than my other half.

Here I hear my friend talking about their crushes and it sank it. "Oh, it is how crushes worked?" Because the way they described was so much more intense that I felt, more urgent, more eagerness oozing out of their words. I don't think it was lust, I think it was love, albeit I'm still not that sure what kind of love it was but it heck wasn't the love I've felt before.

I know reading too much romantic novels is a bad thing because it fills you up with ridiculous ideas of love and romance. No one can be perfect and no one knows about all the right things to do. Even so I still find myself deeply immersed in this illusion, not wanting to break free.

Love...

First day of Vet orientation

"I'm so happy to see all of you. All of you deserved to be here."

Pang. As soon as I heard those words, my heart felt something. I needed that. That boost of confidence. That word of acknowledgement . Most importantly, I just wanted acceptance...from myself.

I often wonder if I was given a cheat code in life. A shooting star that actually made your dream come true. I'd close my eyes and wished with my heart screaming out 'I want to become a vet!" God heard me and he gave me my wish.

I feel like I was given an expensive car but I didn't know how to drive that well. Going into vet was the car and I'm not sure if I can handle it.

When they gave us the talk, I felt so stressed and just out of place. Did they really expect so much out of me, a simple kid from a small town of Miri to be competent enough to satisfy their demands?

But as soon as I walked in the vet clinic, something in my head clicked. No, it wasn't the sense of belonging, it was something stronger than that. I felt like I could do it, somehow seeing the future ahead of me, I believed that I could achieve it. I was sure going to work my butt off the get there, treacherous journey I know but knowing the view, how could I not give it a chance?


However as soon as the dedication came, it went away like the tide being sucked in just before a Tsunami. It was gone.

I look at all the brilliant people surrounding me and something whispered in my mind, "Do you really think you belong here?"

I walked away with everyone after it ended but I still don't know if we are going in the same direction.

Missed Paths

What if I didn't go to Canning College and went to A levels instead? Where would this path lead me? To the UK where I always wanted to visit and be happier than I am now? Or would I still be in Australia because my brother is there? Would I have made more friends if I took this path? Would those friends be better than the friends that I made in Perth?

What if I went to New Zealand instead? Would I end up in the same course that I'm doing right now? I know at least in New Zealand there is no scorching hot summer. Maybe I would become a teacher instead?

What is will all this thought about the paths that I missed. Is it ungrateful and selfish for me to think about this even though my life is Perth is good? Maybe that good isn't what I expected. Did I expected better?

Trick Question?

Going back home to my grandma's house invoked a concoction of feelings. I'm glad that I could go back and celebrate CNY with my fellow relatives but on the other hand that means I have to be surrounded by bugs almost 24/7.

However that is not the biggest issue. The biggest issue is that I know that I should feel like I belong here but I don't. Its kinda like a trick question, you think you know the answer BUT then again maybe there is something to it. Make any sense to you?

I was the second youngest among my cousins there until my youngest cousin come rushing out 5 years ago. Before she came we formed groups. I was in the kid group with my then youngest cousin and normally we were a two-kid group, not because we wanted it to be but because we were just too immature for the others. Kids could be so mean sometimes right?

Then again I think I deserve it cause I was a pretty annoying kid. I hated losing and boy can I threw a fit. Somehow we all managed to stay with the same clique and boy is it awkward when 2 teenagers who doesn't keep in contact for most part of the year come together and interact. When we were kids it was fun! We ran around, play with stray kittens, thinking of absurd games to play. Now we're grown up, looking at our smart phone and making not-so-deep conversation. He's now doing a diploma in architecture! I didn't know he liked drawing so that was a good surprise. :)

The day we went back, I saw my grandma tremble and wiping her teary eyes, at that moment I knew that this wasn't a trick question anymore. I belong here, if not my parents belonged here. I figured that my grandma should deserve to see my relatives whether or not we feel like we belong. In her eyes, we are family, and family members belong together.

Raining in the country side

I like it when it rains in the country side. You'll see mildly lush vegetation ( some abandon crops) shrouded by streams of rain droplets. Picturesque scenery indeed. And it's not like I'm going anywhere so why not let the rain pour down while I admire its beauty along with the gentle breeze of fresh country air.

The rain is getting heavier and I noticed the melody has changed. From a light pitter patter to a rush of water bombarding the soil. I like it either way so come in rain, change with your desires, let me hear your symphony. Am I being a bit selfish not considering about how others feel about the rain? Perhaps but I'm feeling poetic and frankly I just want to be alone and watch God's work of art without being bothered. One of those days

Special ones

I'm back in Sibu just in time for the celebration of Chinese New Year!

I have to admit it feels so awkward now, I haven't seen them in a year and we are suppose to act like we've never lost contact. I find it quite annoying when parents ask 'Hey, why aren't you guys talking? You guys are cousins so you should have lots of things to talk about'. That makes no sense unless I've been in contact with them throughout a year. Mind the year gap as well and also my social awkwardness in general.

Miraculously my parents didn't say that this time around and I appreciate it. Well for now anyways, today is just the first day and most of my cousins haven't even arrived yet...

One of my cousins is what people would describe as one of the special ones. I'm a bit fuzzy about the story but from what I've heard, he had a high fever when he was young and since he can't learn things as fast as others.

During that time there really wasn't any support system or facilities for people like him so he didn't receive any help other than the love of his families.

He can learn names and do simple chores but he kinda acts like a mix of his age (mid 20s) and a 10 year old kid.
Sometimes he can be relational but most times (when I'm around anyways) he'll barrage you with questions relentlessly that might irk you a bit. I'll give an example.
'Ricky, Ricky! Who bought you this watch?' 'How much does it cost?' 'Where did auntie go?' 'Is uncle coming back.' 'Ricky, what is time game?'

Those are just part of the questions he constantly ask me even though I had given him the answers. He actually listens to what I say but he choose the ask the same questions constantly again. How do I know? Just earlier he asked me where did my brother and I told him that my brother went out with his brother. He asked me again and again until I sighed and shut up. My mom came in not long after and he was still throwing questions at me like gamblers putting coins into slot machines. My mom asked where my brother was and before I could answer he answered. I was like ' So you did listen!' I wanted to say more but I decided to shut my trap since my words of exasperation won't do any good.

Sometimes I won't lie, I gets very annoying. I'm a person who highly values his personal time and personal space. Being with a houseful of people already threatens to upset the balance, imagine being bombarded with questions almost all day long. I can't vent out on him cause its not his fault and I'm always the primary target so I figured I treat him nice and right he would feel happy. I'm not saying that I succeed every time I'm back but at least I try... Well sometimes...

He's definitely one of the special ones and think about it aren't we all special in our own unique way? It's just that some need more care and attention. Are we ready to dish it out after we put ourselves in their shoes?

Fighting to be patient!

Right choice?

It has been a while since I sat on the swing on my front porch, just gazing at the scenery and enjoying the melodic tune of the rain.

I'm not ready to leave. To leave my home. As I watched the benches, now drenched with rain, I thought about how I didn't grab more opportunity to sir on it before I leave. Why didn't I walk around the house and absorb the view of my parent's work of art- their bonsai.

I can see the red lantern that my dad hanged just in time for Chinese New Year. It gave me mixed emotions, I felt happy that I get to reunite with my friends and family for this happy festival but on the other hand, it reminded me that I'm going back to Perth soon.

After two years, Perth still didn't feel anything like home. Sure, it was no longer a foreign place but in a way, this made it worst. The excitement of exploring and discovering new adventures has dimmed down considerably after the first year and now it was only a place that I didn't feel I belonged too.

My brother on the other had an opposite view. I know he wants to have a job and stay in Perth, actually, that applied to any other western country though I think Perth would be his first choice if he found a job he liked.

I remember there was one time where a random uncle asked me if I would be coming back after studying. Before I could speak, my dad answered for me 'No, he won't.'

I knew that studying vet would get weird glances from most people. Questions like 'Why don't you just become a real doctor' or 'Really? Why (with a slight condescending look) are bound to thrown at me when I tell people but it never once occurred to me that my choice was going to affect my chances of living at home after I graduate.

Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision. Scratch that, most of the time I ponder about that. The fiery passion that has blinded my eyes seemed to cleared up as the I felt the tackle of reality. My choice didn't just effected me but my whole family.
Should I have just studied engineering like my dad wanted. Blah.. I wouldn't be happy doing that. Maybe I should have just took a vet course in UPM. It wouldn't have cost THAT MUCH and I could have found a job in Miri and settle down. Have a nice and simple life.

Once I told my friend that I dreaded going back to Perth because there was nothing there for me to look forward too. I said that half just to spite her cause we grew apart but after I typed it out, I kinda felt like it was true.

Waiting for me back in Perth was assignments, eating bread for lunch, pressure of not failing and the absence of the comfort my family provided me. Sure I have friends but they are all in other universities and truthfully, I think they have problems to sort out than to listen to my whining. My brother is there but he too has his own stuff to work out and we don't have a typical brotherly relationship. Church was good and I felt like I've grown a lot spiritually while in Perth but I'm in the committee next year and I'm not sure if I'm up for it yet.

If I went back in time knowing what I know now, would I have chosen this path to travel?

Different

Something is wrong with the symphony,
Can you hear it in your heart,
The notes that don't belong together,
The melodies that don't compliment each other.

How could we be this different,
We started our journey at the same place,
Was the different paths to be blamed,
Or was it destined from the beginning.

Headstrong we both were,
Arguments were frequent like MnMs,
We both had a fiery disposition,
Me more so than you.

Fire can never put down fire,
Behaving like cats and dogs,
Misunderstanding surfaced with ease,
Bickering and quarreling were a part of our routine.

Why are you not replying!!

I really dislike people not replying my messages even though I know they've seen them. Hello, Facebook displays the time that my messages were seen by you.

I mean if it were words that end conservation like "Yah it's cool, I can make it" or " Goodnight, talk to you soon", I would be totally fine if you didn't reply me because our conversation at that time has ended.

BUT if I asked you a question or the conversation hasn't ended and you stopped replying me I would be ticked off.

Okay, maybe it took me only ten seconds to type that question out but I would appreciate if you take the same amount of time to read it and give a simple reply. I'm not asking you to read my biography or asking you to write yours. Just a simple 'okay' would be fine with me as long as you replied and keep the conversation rolling.

If I wanted to have a one way conversation, I would rather talk to my rabbit than wasting my time to message you.

However I understand that sometimes people just doesn't want to talk. They want to have their quiet time and chill. That's fine with me, take you time. Reply when you are ready, I ain't rushing (well unless its urgent than I'll probably call you if I have your number).

Hardworking

Today I felt like a lump. To quote my secondary school chemistry teacher a lazy lump.

I was inside the house, watching a drama from my dad's Ipad while he slaved away outside, cleaning the compound and washing anything that was deemed unclean in his eyes.

My dad hired someone to cut the grass just in time for the Chinese New Year Celebration. That guy brought his child to work which made me feel more like a lazy lump. That kid couldn't have be more than 10 years of age and he's out there helping his father to do work while I sit inside, hogging the snacks and eating like their is no tomorrow.

But after a while, I ate away the guilt and focused on watching my drama instead of feeling like a lazy lump.

Sometimes I wish I was hardworking like my parents. They can spend the whole afternoon, tending to their garden, snipping away branches and washing the sidewalks. I rather stay inside and just rest. I'm such a lazy person.

I think I lack the drive to succeed in life. I just want to flow with the motion and put in the exact amount of effort needed, not an ounce more.

-.- I should really make a new years resolution about being more hardworking and actually stick with it.

Fast

Time flies so FAST! I'm going to Sibu in a weeks time and straight after that I'm going back to Perth!

To tell the truth I'm more anxious and sad than glad. Leaving the comfort of my house, no assignments and lectures, I can really get use to this. Crap, when did I start to resent uni life so bad?

I haven't seen my friends as frequently as past holidays but I guess this is normal right? It's normal for us to drift apart slowly. I mean we are still friends but not as close as we use to be. I think it's kinda scary how okay I am with this. I'm okay to just stay at home and watch tv without going out with my friends. I used to want to go out with them every possible chance but now I actually rather stay at home and just relax. Maybe I'm getting old? No!!!