I imagined lots of crying, bashing on pillows and the inability to feel anything but overwhelming sadness. But for me, it was mainly just numbness and the dreaded period before I fall into slumber, the period where darks thoughts consumed my mind, leaving me tossing and turning for hours. I guess that's why I was shocked when my counsellor asked me if I wanted to see a doctor, that medication might be beneficial to me since my problem hasn't alleviated with all the sessions I had with her. It dawned on me at that point that I was in a serious condition. Retrospectively, I find that quite funny because I knew there was something wrong- the inability to motivate myself to study, random burst of crying and feeling deafening numbness, but I didn't manage to connect the dots even though it was laying obviously in front of me.
Terrified, I asked her if she could give me time to think about it. Of course she said yes and she told me I could meet up with the doctor to discuss the options that I have to deal with my situation. I think that session took a lot from me, I felt drained and exhausted after that session. Apparently connecting all the dots and swallowing reality took a lot from me. The doctor printed off information regarding anti-depressants and cognitive behavioural therapy. She looked me with a professionalism that I was surprisingly thankful for, and told me to consider the options that I have. I walked out, palms sweaty and my gaze shifty as I wondered if the people sitting in the waiting room knew what was going on with me, if somehow I missed the part where the doctor branded 'depression' on my forehead.
This is my third chance of pursuing a tertiary education, I could not afford to screw it up again. I wasn't studying at all, only frantically cursing myself and scanning through the lecture notes the day before exams. I know of this isn't an unusual habit for university students but it caused me a lot of stress, often times ending in near tears and making it harder to escape those dark thoughts. I needed immediate help so I chose medication instead of CBT because I didn't feel like I had the time for months of the CBT sessions to start exerting its effects. I felt a little bit off the kilter first two weeks taking that medication. Falling asleep had gotten harder but I felt a bit better, could be the placebo effect though. It wasn't like suddenly one day, everything just got better. For me it was gradual, I didn't even notice it until I met again with my counsellor. I filled in the form like usual and when the scores were added up, that's where I realised I was getting a bit better. I was still numb most of the time but it felt like I was more receptive to happy moments and the dark thoughts didn't invade my mind as often as it would.
I told my brother and my closest friend about it. I didn't want to but at the moment where I told them, it felt like it was the right thing to do. But later on, when I told my other friend about my depression, I felt guilty. I was getting better at that point and exams had just finished so a major stressor had just been lifted. If I was getting better, was I still allowed to tell other people that I have depression? I told her cause I wanted to explain to her why I stopped my contact with her and as she empathised with me, I felt a weird sense of guilt. I was still taking medication but I felt like things were better. I had no major breakdowns before the finals which was really surprising as last minute studying still continued. My thoughts don't really veer off to dark ones before sleeping like it usually does. However, I still feel numb most of the time but that was survivable. I wasn't living but surviving didn't seem as hard as it used to. Maybe it's because the relief that finals are over that I am able to view of situation in an optimistic way for once. I guess time will tell if I am really cured if depression can ever be cured that is.
