Stings

I have been semi-isolating myself from the world, trying to numb myself from all the overwhelming feelings bombarding me.

Is it selfish? Yes. I'm cutting off contact some of my friends because they remind me of a life that I gave up, the source of my internal struggles. They didn't do anything wrong, as a matter of fact, they did exactly the opposite. Encouragements and optimistic conversations were all that they gave but I couldn't handle it.

I want to believe what they say is true but I can't. It still stings and all I can do now is try to escape momentarily and hope that time heals the wounds.

Issues

Ricky! How the heck did you gather up this courage to make this big decision huh? What the crap happened to you?

I've never dive into a situation as unstable as this and any moment, my dream could be crushed to pulp leaving me a sobbing mess on my bed.

I'm nervous. How can I not be? I'm about the hear back the verdict of whether IMU would accept me or not after I bombed (okay, slight exaggeration but you get the point) the interview. If it's a no then is it a sign for me or something? Like a sign for me not to continue on this crazy path or a sign for me to hold on?

How can I convince someone that they should pick me when I'm not even 100% confident that I could be a good doctor. A freaking doctor! I don't know why am I so freaked out about it. Think about it, I studied vet (the past tense kind of stings a bit) and that's basically a doctor for animals. It wasn't like I did art or business when I decided to pursue this.

Me, Ricky, the person who can trip on flat surfaces (but somehow never falls down, I know its a gift, contain your jealousy) is going to be a person who is in charge of sticking a needle to draw blood, telling someone what pills they should take to combat their illness and maybe even informing someone about the deaths of patients (I know, just call me Mr. Optimistic or Mr. Rainbow Sunshine- sunshine being the sir name).

I want to be this confident person that walks into the room and the interviewer just dropp their writing boards and say 'He's through. Duh people, stop sending me candidates that is obviously doctor material'. After that I'll just saunter out of the room like I expected nothing else. I know, vivid imagination much. *Sigh*

Insecurities

I want to be so angry at you but I can't. I didn't exactly tell you not to divulge any information so what you did wasn't exactly wrong.However, I hoped that you registered that what I told you was and still is a sensitive issue for me and I choose to only tell the one I'm closest too or the ones that will be affected by my decisions. But then you're not a psychic so I can't expect you to read my mind. I guess I'm just a bit disappointed at how you missed the gravity of the situation because if you did then you wouldn't have done what you did.

Today I heard from my grandma utter that question I dreaded to hear. I could sense that she thought I couldn't cope with the studies but maybe that's just me being oversensitive but then again my dad's side has never been subtle. I didn't even try to argue, just nodded and let her think what she wants. I honestly think she wasn't really that bothered about me dropping out of vet school, she was just trying to make sense of this situation. She would have been happier for me to gulp down her endless supply of tea and food (like seriously, where how many tea bags does she have?!). No joke.

She always told me that one of my uncle asked her about my situation and I completely froze. I knew that one of my friends blurted that information to another friend which must have told my cousin who then relayed the information backed to her parents. If I'm being painfully honest, I don't think he asked out of genuine concern, rather he just wanted something to talk (putting it nicely here) about.

Let's just say cynicism and judgmental runs a bit rampant in some of my relatives. I told myself I wouldn't care what they think. Sure, they would blurt out some mindless hurtful comments or questions when or if we ever meet but I would just let it ricochet and smile. All the people I care about doesn't mind right so why do I have any reason to be sad about? Apparently, what I thought in my brain wasn't relaying to my heart as evident in my frozen stature after my grandma told me that my uncle asked about my situation.

I haven't told some of my friends back in Miri yet because even though I care about them I know that some of them would still throw some questions or comments that would sting my heart even though I know they don't mean it. I don't want to resent them for that because they deserve more than that for caring about me. Besides, based on how my 'wonderfully' my interview went, I'm not that confident that I'll get in to med school.

Thankfully there are some friends who sort of understands my situation and say nothing but the right words to comfort me. I think that's the only reason why I haven't went into a crazy fit yet...

In short

KL was hot and humid, food was a bit pricey. Shopping wasn't fun with my dad but I don't blame him, the main shopper in our family was always mom and my brother, we were content following them anywhere they pleased. Well, not entire true, dad would follow them willingly while I harbored a deep intense hatred for boutiques that my mom frequented.

Interview was okay. I think one of the interviewer disliked me because it seemed to me like my answers didn't satisfied her questions but I'm okay. Well as okay as a person can be in my situation. The same interviewer asked me how my parents dealt with me leaving my veterinary studies and obviously dumping out so much money just so I can flush it down the toilet. I didn't think about it that time because I was high in adrenalin but I really wanted to shout out 'What about me?' Yeah, what about me? Do you think I have all of this crap figured out right now? How would you feel if I told you are now no longer who you are and have to reevaluate your life to search the new you. Would you be able to convince someone that you should be a doctor when you yourself are not 100% sure. I want this but I haven't always wanted this. It's a hard transition not only for my parents but for me as well.

Everyone seems to be occupied about how I would affect others around but I would sure as heck appreciate someone asking me how I feel in this situation. I think people seem to assume that me making up this decision pretty much means that I have this all figured out but I don't. I'm still confused and scared. It's like walking in a dark tunnel and having a flashlight with limited battery. With every ticking time, the battery is being used up, I only have a limited amount of time finding a way out.

I'm back home but a part of me feel like I don't belong here which I guess is normal because I'm suppose to be in Perth now, fretting about the assignment due or procrastinating like a pro.

Watching some programs on national geographic and animal planet stings a bit because it reminded me of what I threw away. Like a part of me was missing. My identity was taken away and now I'm raw and vulnerable, trying to find out who I am all over again.

In short, I'm not fine. Not at all...

Thank you God so much for the journey I had in Perth. This just show that you are more awesome than I know.

You gave me friends that I never knew I needed and wanted. They gave me so much good memories and I'll be forever thankful for that.

I just wanted to say I regret not hugging each of you because I know if I start tearing up, I won't stop.

Thank you so much for attending my departure and giving me that wonderful tear-inducing books filled with so many fond memories. Crap, you guys really know how to make me cry don't you.

I'll never know where did I get the courage to leave all of you but I know all of you have a piece of heart, cheesy but true.

I still can't imagine that I won't see some of you guys for a long time or even forever and I just really want to rush out from this departure hall and hug all of you and never let you go.

I don't think you guys have any idea how much joy you brought into my life. My life was better just because you were in there, never doubt that.

I just really want to find a room and cry my heart out now but I'm keeping it in, I don't want to be the crying fat crazy Asian that gets escorted into a room by the security.

I'll stop now because its time to go in the plane. I'll miss you guys so much. Love you all.

I was here

This is it isn't it? Tomorrow I'll be in KL and my journey in Perth would be nothing but an old chapter of my life filled with wonderful memories.

Perth felt like a home away from home, like my own little safe haven where I journeyed to find who I am without the influence of my parents.

I want to write so much more, scream out my feelings, sob loudly and just let it go. But I can't. Maybe I'm still in denial or maybe I've learn to suppress my emotions too well.

All I could muster out is "I won't cry." Why? If tears flow out, then I can't pretend I'm just a passer-by looking at someone else's life, it's my life.

I had so many wonderful memories here albeit there are some sad and depressing ones too. I've made close friends that I never thought I would. I learned, laughed and cried with all of them and they helped created some of my fondest memories. I wanted to list everyone out and write a farewell to each of them but I decided against it. It would feel to real. Now the water falling outside would be suffice.

I remember the first night in Perth, I was in this same exact room. I was in awe of this mysterious place called Perth and giddy from the thought of having new adventures and experience.

God gave me so much more than I expected, He gave me a journey beyond my wildest dreams. I had crazy adventures, long journeys, road trips and even a chatting session that lasted until 2 in the morning. I've met some wonderful people and I was lucky enough to befriend some of them. They were like the puzzle pieces in my life that I never thought was missing until they came crashing into my life. I will always cherish the moments we shared, always.

What else can I say without shedding a tear? Not seeing them every youth, Sunday service and not able to go have adventures with them during breaks. I feel like we still have so much to do but I guess I lost the privilege to complain when I decided to go back home.

The song, I was here resonated with me lately.
___
I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time
Know there was something that, meant something that I left behind
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets
Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here

I want to say I lived each day, until I died
And know that I meant something in, somebody's life
The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave
That I made a difference, and this world will see.
___

I wished I made some impact in their lives however small it may be because I know in my heart that they left a footprint in my heart that will never disappear.

Footprint

I've been burring my head into stories just to get my mind off everything. Sometimes there is just too much to process and I choose the easy way out- ignorance.

I can't cry because crying makes it feel real, it hurts. So I'm either pretending or focusing my attention on reading stories.

This chapter of my life is closing soon and I don't know what to do. I've never been good at goodbyes and this time it is for real. No more 'Oh, maybe there is a chance that I'll come back', I'm going back for good.

My footprints in Perth will slowly fade away until one day I'll be just another footprint on the beach, washed away by the waves.

No tears

There is only a few days left before I depart from Perth permanently. I don't know why but tears are yet to surface except for the slight meltdown on Thursday when I started my packing.

Everything is moving too fast and I guess its easier to pretend everything is going to stay the same rather than face real life.

This afternoon as I gaze onto the sky, I didn't think about how I would miss the clouds here (crazy I know) but instead I felt like I was still going to see them for a long time. I'm still living in my own protective bubble but with every day gone buy and all the gestures I received, the bubble is getting weaker and about to pop.

I don't want to think about what I'm leaving behind. It just hurts too much to curl up into a fetal position and let the tears flow. I'm still playing this game until the very end.

For now, there are no tears.

Rockingham beach

Today was a joyous day. A whole afternoon spent strolling down and drowning myself in the picturesque scenery of Rockingham beach whilst enjoying the company of my two friends.

I felt like an adventure today again, exploring new territories and seeing new shops in every corner. I never thought that I would get to experience this again before my departure from Perth and I'm very grateful that I could, even though it was just for that brief afternoon.

We went into the UK candy shop, munched fish and chips while have conversing. Although the howling wind made me shiver, my heart was warmed by the company of my friends. Conversation flowed easily like how it was before university life took a toll. We took pictures, had fun in the playground and ate frozen yogurt, I felt like a child again, I was happy.